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My partner (3+ years sober) goes through periods that last about a week where he says he doesn't know what he wants in our relationship... as in, he doesn't know if he wants to be in it. This has happened just twice so far (since last year) and he tends to get over these "phases" just as suddenly as he gets in them. I know he's scared because this happens when something major has happened in our relationship. For example, the first time I was offered a job about a 5-hour trip away and he was really upset that I might take it (I didn't) and a week later he was pulling away from me. This most recent time he had been talking quite seriously about us moving in together (he brought it up) and a week later, bam! He was freaking out. So I know it's him and not anything to do with me/us, but I'm so afraid that he'll leave even knowing that.
Now I feel like I've put some walls up and am guarding myself in case this happens again. Whenever he's having a bad day, is tired, etc, I feel like he's just saying that and really it's something about us and he's freaking out again. Today he was pretty quiet and I *know* he had a bad/short sleep last night, but still... I'm afraid he's saying he's tired as an excuse. Normally we have a great relationship! We laugh all the time, lots in common, etc etc... but it's this couple of times that are making me feel a bit paranoid.
So to end this very long story... How do you handle this? How do I keep my head up, remain confident and keep going on the same as always when deep down I feel like maybe he's going to freak out again? I feel like if/when it happens again, I'm just going to tell him I'm done and if he figures things out, he can come back and see if I'm still here. People keep telling me not to do that, to just go about my business, give him space and let him deal with his emotions and either he'll come around or he won't. I guess that for over 15 years he used alcohol and drugs to cover up ANY feelings and emotions and now he's learning how to handle them... so I'm trying to be understanding and not let it affect me, but I don't know HOW to not let it affect me!!
Anyone else gone through this? How do you handle it? Thank you!
-- Edited by rainlax on Sunday 14th of April 2013 01:56:04 PM
He's been sober a while. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask "Are you really in this?" and explain you can't take any more episodes of "I dunno if we should break up or not." I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that either. Granted, there are no guarantees and it would help if you could just be confident in yourself to handle whatever comes down the pike. It sounds like you actually are okay with yourself. I actually believe it speaks more to your self-esteem that you would tell him to take a hike if he pulls the "I dunno about us" routine again. It is much less codependent to be that way than if you were saying "How do I make him feel secure in us and how can I make him see we are meant to be forever!!!!" 3 years is not all that long sober, but it's long enough to act like a grown up in a relationship and it's long enough that he should have some emotional maturity and emotional sobriety.
If I suddenly turned on my current partner and said "I dunno about us" then changed my mind back...and not only did it once but twice....I would expect he would be very hurt and mistrustful. Hopefully you can have an honest and open conversation about this without throwing punches. At 3 years sober (if he has a decent program of sobriety), he "should" be able to handle that. If not, then it wasn't meant to be I guess.
I haven't gone through this, however, I don't believe I would tolerate the BS. If you aren't already in al anon, find face to face meetings and if you are, upping the meetings and talking with a sponsor will help you. When you can settle into these wonderful support systems and improve your self esteem, you may be the one to say "this is not working for me, so bye bye". That would be much more empowering than waiting around wondering will he or won't he leave me. Grab onto your life and have a blast!
More Alanon meetings, service and fellowship could bring the insights you're seeking about where this relationship is heading. Maybe his deepening feelings for you are a little frightening to him not because he's alcoholic but just because he's a person getting more invested. The familiar relationship is routine whereas the new territory "commitment" is loaded with expectations and projections about the future.
Communication and trust are part of emotional intimacy. For me, being best friends and speaking honestly from the heart about joys and fears is important. Otherwise I think people's feelings just come out sideways in weird behaviors that mask our true feelings. TT
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