The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My AH has been sober for 6 months and things have been 10 times better. Except for one thing. He just will not lay off with the snide and hurtful comments directed at me. My cooking, my cleaning, my driving, my kids, my pets, my job. Whenever he has a bad week at work or isn't feeling good, he reverts back to the bully he was when he was drinking. This morning I texted him over a household chore that he had told me he was going to do and had forgotten. I texted him in a jokingly manner. Obviously he didn't take it as a joke.
He hasn't laid into me this bad for awhile. So it caught me off guard. Especailly the old stand by, accusing me of fooling around on him (Which I never have.) I'm trying to remain calm and not engage him. Every time I text or call him and leave a message, he fires a nasty text back. I know if I ignore him, he usually stops. But its so hard sometimes when he's attacking me. My morals, my good name, my pride, my heart. The need to defend myself is so strong.
I know that there are characteristics of this putrid disease. So is being an 'xxxx' one of them? And let me guess, this will never go away either, will it?
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 12th of April 2013 10:06:25 PM
Someone yesterday said "hurt people hurt people." That really struck me as useful to remember about alcoholics -- whether they are drinking or not. They're hurt people. And there's a phrase I first heard a few months ago, when a counselor referrred to someone as a "dry drunk." I had to google it but I think it refers to someone with all of the alcoholic behaviors without the active drinking.
I hope you can stay strong and remember it's not you that's causing this, it's him struggling with his own stuff.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 15th of April 2013 04:33:15 PM
He is not an 'xxxx', just acting like one. This behavior does not have a chance of changing unless he gets into a recovery program and works it. Sitting in a meeting doesn't count...they have to work the 12 steps program. Please find an al anon group; your self esteem has suffered as a result of this mean, crazy behavior. You are worth more than what you are receiving, this is abuse. Keep coming back..hugs
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 15th of April 2013 04:33:43 PM
Sometimes their inner foulness and sour judgments are why they start drinking in the first place. So in my view it's very possible that he was this kind of person, and then he started drinking, and now that he's stopped drinking, he's this kind of person still.
People can change this kind of behavior, but they have to want to. And like drinking, they usually don't want to stop, and our trying to explain and convince them often has zero impact.
If he were working a good program of recovery, it's possible that that would address it. You probably know whether that's true.
All I can say is that no one deserves this kind of treatment. I hope you have your own program of recovery? Our thoughts become so distorted by the insanity that often we lose our perspective. Our own recovery can help get that back. Hugs.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 15th of April 2013 04:35:56 PM
I was reading Dr. George Simon's blogs about Covert Aggressive people. They are just mean for the fun of it. As the other posters have said, alcoholics can get over it if it isn't their basic character and they work at it. My dry drunk husband can still be more hateful than you'd believe--and he hasn't had a drink in 40 years. He isn't in a program of recovery, either.
Good luck! Temple
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 15th of April 2013 04:36:22 PM
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
There is no excuse for this abuse. I think most alcoholics are assholes too. It's part of the whole inferiority complex and immature, super sensitive problems they have and inflict on others. I think the best you can do is make boundaries and stick to them, it's like training a toddler in a way. Easier said than done though.x
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 15th of April 2013 04:36:53 PM
Drinking is but a symptom of the disease. Granted, it certainly can exaggerate things, but from my experience, there are a lot of core issues that the alcoholic suffers from, spiritually and emotionally.
One thing I can say is that you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Put-downs, name-calling, continual hurtful criticism are all abuse.
Please get yourself to some local Al-Anon meetings. Many of us have lived with verbally abusive partners and can share our experience, strength and hope in how we overcame those behaviors.
For myself, I did my best to not make myself available to receive such abuse. I'd either hang up the phone or leave the room, but clearly say "I'm not comfortable with how you're talking to me, so I'm going to hang up / leave now."
I have even at one point said very clearly to my exAH that his verbal abuse really hurt me. I actually NEVER told him that in the past, and I could see a brief lightbulb go off in his expression when I told him that. I know deep down my exAH did NOT like to think of himself as an abusive person, and to hear someone tell him that touched something. It didn't make it all stop entirely, but I think at least a seed was planted.
Just remember - telling someone that what they're doing / saying is hurtful doesn't obligate them to stop. There's a big chance they won't - but if you change the current dance you do with them and make it more difficult for them to use you as a target, there's a good chance they'll stop doing it... or at least the frequency may diminish. But the important thing is that you find a way to get yourself out of that situation so you can feel happy and serene - not attacked and beat down.
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease. I know that living with the alcoholic, who is not drinking required that I change many of my behaviors in order to survive and thrive. I too would" kid about issues" instead of stating my disappointment or saying what I mean.. The result of my "Kidding brought back responses of "sarcasm and their mode of "Kidding/joking- which was very negative and insulting.
Alanon reminded me that sarcasm was from the Greek word for " cutting flesh" and a destructive way to interact. I prayed to have that t lifted and now say what I mean in an honest, manner.
Another defect that I had to stop using was pretending all was well and making my needs invisible. I replaced that negative tool with validating myself when I was upset without pointing fingers or blaming.
If he said you are stupid I would simply state without sarcasm or anger ",no I am not- I have a BA degree and hold a professional job "and then leave it at that. No challenge to argue simply the truth.
Best of all I attended meetings in order to obtain the support I needed Please keep taking care of you.
My AH is the same, but he doesn't put me down unless it's about my driving. He's finally left my cooking and cleaning alone, for the most part. You know, one of the things I complained about in counseling with him was that he kept giving the silent treatment but then I realized that I opened up a can of worms because I asked to start talking again. OOPS!
Today I was making small talk about how I see more men getting pedicures at the salon and his retort was, "Welcome to the vaginization of America!" Yep, he makes up great words, doesn't he? He doesn't seem to understand why I would find that offensive. UGH! Anyway, I could go on but I realized that maybe the silent treatment was better, LOL! At least then I'm not looking up imaginary words in the dictionary!
Thank you for all the words of encouragement! It feels so good to know that others go through this too.
Yesterday when he got home from work I asked him briefly what was the matter and did it justify him laying into me? He didn't answer, but I didn't expect him to. I just let it go. Today is better. He's still really moody and sullen but at least he's not tearing me a new one. I have a smile on my face and forcing a song in my heart. I'm not going to think about it (obsess), rather I'm determined to have a good day with my children.
He's not in a program. He's been an alcoholic for 30 years so he "knows how all the programs work". His AA and 24 hours a day meditation books are buried underneath his pile of dirty clothes and magazines beside his side of the bed. I really wish I could make it to a f2f meeting, but none of the area meetings work with my work and children's schedule. I've been reading the literature and remembering the slogans.
Mine too gets very verbally abusive. He brings up stuff that happened over 30 years ago and goes on and on and on. And then it is I want a divorce. One time I said to him, go for it and he shut up. It is so scary to look at them when they are drinking and when they are not how much they change. I am learning to detach more and trying to get out more too. I tend to isolate but I know that is not healthy either. Such a hard disease on the whole family.
Unfortunately, I got sober, and nothing changed right away... so now I was merely a sober asshole. LOL
Until I started to truly treat the dis-ease of this disease, I did not have the ability to change. The work that needed to be done was an inside job and I kept trying to decorate the garage can, get all the external dressings right and all would be well. BS! I am inclined to believe that a drinking alcoholic is in better shape than a dry alcoholic that is not treating their disease on a daily basis. They can be the most miserable people. But I have to remember, if I can't stand to be around them, I better be grateful that I don't have to live in their skin, because they are as miserable as they make those around them.
Enough about the A's. Same thing goes for us Al-Anon's. It's an inside job. A job that is worked on by ourselves, with people we trust in the program and with the guidence and direction of a Higher Power.
I understand that not everyone has the ability to get to f2f meetings, for a good number of reasons. So, merely try to get to the ones you can when the opportunity arises, and between them be sure to join us for meetings in our chat room, which are held every morning and every night. You kids can be close to you, you can smoke, or not smoke, drink coffee or not, laugh, cry, do whatever you want sitting in front of your computer with us.... many of us have spent years getting sick and tired. An hour or so of your day, dedicated to getting well, is worth anything it takes to capture that time for yourself.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
