The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just saw this in a job posting on Craigslist (of course, I'm looking for my AH) and thought it was funny, and quite suiting when I think about my day:
AH calls me at work from probation office this morning to say he failed the drug test (shocker - he was supposed to go yesterday but re-scheduled out of fear of failing the drug test). He can't believe he failed it because he had taken this herbal stuff that was supposed to cleanse his system. But they didn't lock him up because, he says, he argued with them, saying his seizure medication was preventing the cocaine, THC and benzos detected in the previous test from exiting his body. And they bought that. <face-palm> He was supposed to go to 4 NA meetings too and he didn't - apparently where I live being on probation means you get to call the shots - soooooooo I get another 2 weeks of wondering what's gonna happen next. Oh and BTW, the probation office is calling social services because he tested positive for drugs and we have a daughter. (So yay, now I get to deal with that, which, I've already dealt with once and they didn't do anything anyway.) Ya know, it kinda seems like these gov't agencies are such a waste, cuz, what are they DOING anyway????? (which I know, it's gonna kill me when/if they send him to prison....but that's a post for another day, cuz I'm not really feeling it today).
And THEN he calls me again at work this afternoon to see if I will pawn his rifle (which he's not supposed to have) so he can pay his drug dealer the $40 he owes him, because apparently the drug dealer has been by the house today, and he doesn't wanna have to "hear his mouth anymore." (Now, for me, THIS one is a first.)
Ok, I get it - it's not about him, it's about me and what I can do for myself. I get that. So last week I started jogging again. I started going to a therapist yesterday. Saturday I got dressed up and went to lunch with an old friend. I even painted my toenails. I started walking away from fights (most of the time). I stopped giving him money (most of the time). (Yes, I need f2f meetings but they are so far away - I am not that motivated yet.)
But making it about me does not change the fact that my AH lives in Crazy Town and takes me there every single day. How am I supposed to "do the al-anon thing" and be happy and worry only about me and feel serenity and yadda yadda yadda when I have a drug dealer coming to my house looking to get paid??? It ain't gonna happen. I think there is no way to happily co-exist in addict-land. There is only living miserably or getting the heck outta Dodge.
Drug dealers coming to my house would be more chaos than I could handle too. I don't know that there is a way to be present and handle that "the right way." But Al-Anon is all about finding the way forward in our particular situation. Everyone's is different. It sounds as if you are gaining greater clarity about what works in your situation.
I understand your frustration with the justice system. My stbxah skipped court for his 4th dui and had a warrant issued. I just found out the judge canceled the warrant and rescheduled the case. As if he is really going to go to that one. I told the judge he drives drunk everyday with his license suspended, no insurance, and in our car he's hiding from the repo man. He's had several accidents and it's a miracle he hasn't killed anyone. It is just maddening to see they keep getting away with stuff.
Love your honesty and humor . I agree that having drug dealers coming to your home is certainly not conducive to serenity. Without the support of alanon members and alanon meetings crazy town takes on a greater and greater role and we begin to live in that crazy world more and more and easily become lost. I understand the difficulty in attending face to face meetings however we do have On line meetings here that could help
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night. Hope to see you there
Once the stuff starts taking a toll on the kids and myself that becomes the deal breaker again that is just me and everyone is different. There is no right answer only your answer for you and what is and is not ok at whatever point you get to.
Have you read any of the Getting Them Sober series? That really helps when it comes to setting boundaries and knowing when you have had enough and it helps me stop making excuses or even looking to blame the A in my life .. kwim? I accept what my part is and if I'm going to buy a ticket and stand on the platform for the train going to CrazyTown. I stil am going back to drug dealers at the house is soooo NOT normal or close to it.
Going to open AA meetings also have helped as well, speaker meetings are a God send for me because it is my compassion fuel where Alanon is my detachment fuel and I need both of those fuels equally. What helps me deal in an Alanon way is just knowing I am powerless over his disease and I hate to say it this way .. I mean this in a really loving way .. however .. I'm equally powerless over what I call his stupid decisions and choices. I do not have to participate in the fallout or be willing collateral damage. It is easier for me to say this and I won't lie about that because I don't live with my qualifier and I read some stories and think yup .. been there done that and I'm sooo glad I don't have to do that .. it sucks.
I enjoy your writing style as well .. lol .. hey if I'm going to tell a story it better have some laughs and you gotta be kidding me's in there as well :)
Hugs and keep coming back, go to the online meetings if you can't get to the f2f. The great thing about f2f is you have realtime people and that does make a huge difference.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"Yes, I need f2f meetings but they are so far away - I am not that motivated yet"
There is a wonderful old (tongue-in-cheek) saying in Al-Anon...
Try us for six meetings, if you aren't 100% satisfied, we will gladly refund your misery
Nicole - you sound sick and tired, and who can blame you.... what you are putting up with today is chaos, and unnerving...
You seem to be deciding that Al-Anon can't help you, so you'll deal with this yourself.... I tried that same pattern for awhile, and am living proof that I didn't fix ME, until I started to get some recovery for myself...
My wise old sponsor used to tell me that we will choose recovery when we are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired", and I would just encourage you that - IF you are at that point now, you DO have options. The chaos & insanity of living around active alcoholism/addiction is too much for most of us to handle on our own.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Nicole...My experience with Al-Anon very closely approximates Tom's post. I tried both programs and left both programs and as promised I got my misery back in spades. I found the Al-Anon hotline number and called it after I had called Help in Emotional Trouble and the Suicide Hotline first. If you're thinking that all of those other peoples with public service and your addict are screwed up guess who you are leaving out. In Al-Anon I learned about the "Al-Anon" hand shake. Thats where I've got that one finger pointing outward at "them guys" wagging up and down while the other three are wagging back at me. Since the disease is progressive, meaning that it only gets worse over time and that it affects everyone it comes into contact with it chance are you haven't seen anything "yet". I've worked the courts and the judges and probation officers as a case manager and they all would benefit from the program "but"...I'm working the legislators currently and it is the same ole, same ole "but". Well like my sponsors taught me "you get to own the consequences of your choices"...there's no change where there's no changing. Stay out of the way between him and his dealer and everyone else and get over the fear of the face to face Al-Anon rooms. In support (((((hugs)))))
I think this might have a significant topic about boundaries and unacceptable behavior. Only you (and I know you are frustrated with that right now) can set them for yourself. What do you find acceptable and what will you do if your boundaries have been crossed? I must quote my loved Oprah right now..."When you see crazy coming...don't stop and talk to it, CROSS THE STREET!" Sending you mega prayers in your journey, and Mega hugs too!
Hi Nicole, it sounds like he is being enabled by these services that he is lying to. However, you look like you have stepped off that roundabout and are taking care of you and your wee girl, good work. Remember you always have choices even when it seems like we don't. If your h goes to prison it might be just what your whole family needs. I think we all get what we need sooner or later.take care.x
Wow, I remember crazy town well! One day I decided to stop going to the train station and I moved to a wonderful place in serenityville. It takes meetings, MIP, my sponsor and reading al-anon literature to keep me growing healthier. I am so glad to hear you are starting to take better care of you! I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
