The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a recovering alcoholic myself one of the first guidelines I was given was that I had only to change one thing and that was...everything. It wasn't a trite suggestion because from the start I understood that I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know how to live my life differently or even that I had to. Why? was my default question and No! was my default statement to others coming forward to help me underestand with their ESH from their similar experiences. I didn't even get into AA first so I got into the "easier softer way" Al-Anon (NOT!!). I was qualified for both so HP was tugging the leash toward the first door I approached. The steps, traditions, slogans and philosophies are the same and so I got alcohol free in Al-Anon while also learning about the disease and how to co-exist with someone who also had it...my alcoholic/addict wife. 9 years of being dry HP finally sets me up to take an inventory of my drinking past and from that honest experience I slinked into my first for real AA meeting and sat in the corner in the dark by myself (like I used to often drink) and tried to keep still and un-noticed; however those in the meeting all knew me from the great recovery population we were members in both as fellows and as professional care givers and when I tried not to identify...they held up the meeting until I said from the darkness, "I'm Jerry and I am alcoholic". It's amazing how fear plays a part in this disease and keeps us sick often until we're dead. Hearing my own voice say those words and not HP's or anyone elses brought be out of dark corners and I have known freedom...widely.
I pray that your son will take the same opportunities I was led to and loose the energy to saying "NO!" except to himself and the disease.
Keep coming back Sister...your journey is supportive. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 10th of April 2013 03:17:40 PM
I just couldn't stand it anymore. My son is such a pig and his living quarters were a health concern so I went over there after work and put HIM to work. lol
It took us 4 hours to get that little apartment cleaned but it made me feel better...and I think him too. Just to have a clean set of sheets and a nicely made bed put a smile on his face. He scrubed the cat box and cleaned the toilet. I did the dishes and he washed clothes. Oh....when they came of the the dryer they HAD to be put on hangers. Computers, tables, glass and walls were all washed by him. I showed him how :) Vacuming the carpet and THEN cleaning the spots...:) He was tired as was I but we felt good about it.
Maybe this was not right on my part but he did a lot of the work and we had a good time doing it.
I'm happy and that's all that counts I guess.
PS: He needed bleach and carpet cleaner so I stopped by on my way and purchased it....... HE PAID ME BACK. now that's change for me. I would have never taken any money from him.
Just a day in the life of Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Progress not perfection Cathy...you done good and so did he and he showed you that he knows and knows that he knows how to clean up. He isn't motivated enough as you are. Al-Anon doesn't ever say "don't help"; for me it told me "check your motives before you help". After I learned that (helping and not enabling) I returned to detachment. You're doing good sis...just my 2cents. ((((hugs))))
I think this is sometimes the kind of thing that is really helpful for adult kids just starting out, whether or not they're addicts. I know when I first started living on my own, I felt overwhelmed by how to keep it all going and organized and clean. I wish my mother had come by and modelled how to do it! And yay you for accepting the money for the cleaning products! Any chance you'll come over and help me do my house next?
Thank you for the kind words. Yea I'm in the cleaning mode. Hey where do you live Mattie....lol just make a appointment and I'll be right over.
Jerry....it's funny. my motives were I can't stand to see a mess....OCD on my part and I couldn't let it go. Now if my son wants to drink over it that's his problem......and it might be. I just got a call from him. He is having a meltdown and his anxiety is through the roof all of a sudden. Now I can see detachment, he calls me instead of AA people. Makes me sad, he's going to go out the buy a bottle and the cycle starts again. Don't know for sure but from past history it sounds like it's off to the races.
He will drink or he won't..... I can still live my life well.
DETACHMENT.......good word to keep in mind when I'm checking motives.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
lol Jerry, I can so relate to changing only one thing and that being everything .. i had a hard time separating things from the beginning .. everything so lumped together to the point when i would say family that was eight others combined into one ..
Sounds like your son received some special gifts in the cleaning department .. and some lessens on taking the next right action no matter how we feel .. i agree with jerry on motives .. I've been seeing them finally on a deeper level after four years of being told by my sponsor how important they are to look at .. Still there are gifts behind everything .. Glad you enjoyed your together time with son ..
Gosh, I wish you'd come visit me!! I get so overwhelmed with cleaning everything by myself that not much real cleaning gets done, just basic surface cleaning. And I know my place needs a very deep, very good spring cleaning! Might have to recrute a sponsee that is full of energy to help me I guess. LOL
Cathy, sounds to me like you had a very good time with your son... and when that happens... enjoy them. Sometimes they can be far and few between.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Hey Cathy. Sounds like a perfectly normal mother son interaction (messy son meets clean mom) I think i would just take it for that...sometines we get SOOO caught up in everything crazy we overlook what is just plain ole normal!! Enjoy the moments spent with him!!!!
Cathy, in my early recovery - I think 2 months in, my parents flew down and helped me decorate, clean, and organize my new place. At that point I was hitting daily meetings and working, but I was still so clueless about keeping house after a period of living in chaos and total mess with my ex-A. I basically had to be taught how to vacuum, mop...use the thermostat. Depression was also a factor in me just letting myself live in filth. Either way, I'm grateful my parents were there and that they have always been there but it was up to me to not rely on them always being able to do that. It was a "lets help Mark get on his feet" thing and I cried and was so grateful and kind of humiliated cuz it had happened too many times. I was determined in my soul that this would be the last time I required my parents to help me to that degree.
So...4 years and some later...That was the last time they have cleaned up after me (figuratively and literally). Next week mom and dad will be coming down and this place is gonna be cleaner than clean dammit!! I live on the canal in Ft. Lauderdale. The house has a pool and I have 1 cat, 2 parrots, and 3 dogs. I want them to be relaxing and having fun like they are in a hotel cuz they deserve that after all they have done for me.
My point is that helping someone in need periodically is not a wrong thing. You may continue here and there to do these things with pure motives. My parents could not have known if I was gonna land on my ass again a month or two later. It was me who decided it was the last time and I utilized their help to start doing it for myself. Also, I shifted the crying and whining onto my poor sponsor and he sort of reparented me back to adulthood (not that my parents did a bad job but I just needed extra lessons I guess or I forgot what I learned from all that drinking).
At the point I'm at with my A son, I'm trying to look at each situation where he needs help and ask myself "would I be doing this if he wasn't an A?" Example: if he spent his money on booze and asked for gas money - then my answer is simply NO.
Couple days ago, he asked if I could spare enough $ for him to go to Home Depot and buy a table saw that he needs for a remodel job that he's just started and that the client had a check ready & waiting for him but he didn't want to drive across town to pick it up so late in the evening. He promised he'd repay me the next day so I agreed & paid for the saw. When he came home from work the next day, he put the cash in my hand as promised. Had he not kept his promise, that table saw would have been posted on Craig's List in a heartbeat...lol.
When he asked for help in buying the saw, I had to look at where he is in his disease - he's working everyday, going to meetings, working his program, paying his own way, got his truck titled & insured, contributing to household expenses.......and hasn't had a drink since he went thru of detox.
When can a Mom just be a Mom and not an enabler? That is the question
