Legal options for separation - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Legal options for separation

Iman · Newbie

I have been struggling for months with the decision on weather or not I need to leave my husband due to his addiction. I know marriage is supposed to be forever, however, i feel that when we married, part of the truth was left out. now we have small children that i need to put first, and it doesnt seem right that he can be stealing, lieing, and spending hundreds per week on an addiction, while we struggle to get ahead each month. I need to put the needs of my children first and I'm scared that if i keep giving second chances, their future will be a dark one. I keep thinking he is back at his "rock bottom" and i try threats and ultimatums, but nothing seems to be working. I DONT KNOW IF THAT IS MY FAULT, OR HIS.

I am so desperate for change, we both own our house, and he refuses to leave(believe me, ive tried) We have a beautiful and growing family and great careers and still, I feel so defeated. we have worked very hard TOGETHER. but when he gave up on success and our dreams for his apparently strong addiction, we lost eachother.

I have never reached out to anyone, and other than god, i dont know who else to turn to for really stable unbiased help.

he is not at his rock bottom but i feel like i am, i owe it to my kids to provide strength....

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome!! I don't know if you have attended alanon meetings yet. I sure would encourage you to do so, before making any big decisions. There is also a book I would highly recommend getting them sober vol 4 it's not about really getting the addict sober it is all about taking care of you. That particular volume is about divorce and ending a relationship. Believe it or not the addiction is a family disease, I did buck and yell that I didn't have any issues. HE was the one with the problem not me. My reality, ... it turned out I do have things to work through. I'm doing so. When I filed I was able to do so with a much clearer head. It still hurt and push did come to shove, it was my decision and I have no regrets outside of the fact I wish it hadn't come to having to end the marriage. It has been the right decision for me. I hope you will attend some meeting and find out if alanon is right for you. It has saved my life. Hugs p :)

Busymomtomany · Newbie

I'm sorry you are going through this ,, this is exactly what I atop am goin through ... I love my children with all my heart but deadly 10 yers and 3 kids later I am here . boy did he hide his orb good , I am considering goin to al- Anon meetings , I hoe it held . good luck and just stay sting despite hurt pain and confusiojusto not crack , someone has the make responsible decisions .

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I went to a F to F meeting tonight and always feel so welcome and safe there. It is nice to be who I am and not worry about what I am going to say. Everyone in the room has lived it so it helps. I have also gone to a counselor and that is helpful too. But, even in saying all of this I have had serious doubts about how I react. My husband relapsed about 4 1/2 months ago - after being sober for 1 1/2 years - and I felt like I failed him some how. I did not tell anyone except for a couple of close friends because I felt embarrassed. How dumb am I to have thought that way?? At that time I needed a support system and not hide it. So now we are back to square one.

In my meeting tonight we talked about listening with love. I thought it was very powerful. I need to do more of that instead of reacting. Reacting just does not work for me, nor for anyone else probably. It is so hard to know what to do while you are in the moment.

I love this site, the message boards and the meetings. So thankful it is here to help.

I read this letter yesterday and it really helped me.

Letter from an Alcoholic
An Open Letter to My Family

I am an alcoholic. I need help.

Don't allow me to lie to you. If you accept my evasions of the truth, you
encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but try to get at it.

Don't let me outsmart you. This would only allow me to avoid responsibility
and would make me lose respect for you at the same time.

Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them,
even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing
pain. And, Don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made stick to
it.

Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. If you do, you become an
accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.

Don't lecture, moralize, scold, praise, blame, or argue when I'm drunk or
sober. Don't pour out my liquor; it may make you feel better, but it will
make the situation worse.

Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of
helping me.

Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.

Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my drinking. It may
reduce the crisis, but it will make my sickness worse.

Above all don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness gets
worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan
for recovery. Find al anon, whose groups exist to help families of
alcoholics.

I need help. From a pastor, doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from a
recovered alcoholic who found sobriety in AA and from God. I cannot help
myself.

I hate myself, but I love you. Please help me. Signed,
Your Alcoholic

Rinn · Senior Member

I have a lot experience with family court and child custody plans. From personal expereince of a blended family and I have helped a lot of friends understand thier options, and file forms.

If you get to the point that your know you want to be apart there are two options: 1. seperation and 2. divorce. in both you will need a parenting plan which is a plan stating who has children when and who makes desicions. my best non solicited advice is if you can talk and work out a plan between you go to a mediator and fill it out together. If you can't talk or are worried about giving in to confrontation do it yourself and file it for what you think is best for kids. You can always change it later if circumstances change. If you separate, it means you are no longer responsible for his debt and might work it out, but need a plan for kids, bills and who lives where in meantime. You can turn it into a divorce later, let it ride a few years or drop it altogether if needed. you can always separate and if he is able to pull it together then work something out but it protects you in the meantime and gives you some space to find some peace. If you ahve questions about legal terms or how the process works I can point you inthe right way so you know what to ask legal aid or an attorney, if it comes to that. I can't give legal advice because I am totaly not trained in any way but school of hard knocks.

I can't say whether to get a divorce/separation or not. Everyone is differnt. I can share that in my first marrige I left because I hit a breaking point with mental abuse, he wasn't an alcoholic or addict but he was more conserned with some warped image of himself and being incontrol of me. My marrage now is to an addict. He was sober when we met and married but went down hill a lot we've been through hell.. I hit my breaking point but I don't want a divorce, I really want things to work. So go figure. No one can no but you. But don't stay just cause you are married. If you can't see yourself in 30 years being happy, in some outcome of your marrige then please find your happiness. Follow your gut, you usually know the right way it is your brain that gets in the way of good desision some times. lol

norasq · Veteran Member

Iman, I'm so sorry you are going through that. I can understand where you are -- I agonized for a long time about whether to separate from my AH of 19+ years, and finally did so 2 months ago. Alanon definitely helps.

You might consider talking to some lawyers. I say SOME lawyers because I think it's worthwhile to interview several, both women and men. Every family lawyer has a different approach and you need someone you'll feel comfortable with. You should be able to do a free initial meeting. If you are worried about the cost, you might find out if there are sliding scales for fees or legal assistance in your area. I think getting information about what the options actually are, in terms of getting yourself or your husband out of the house, and what the various consequences will be, might help you make your decision. And getting information need not rush you to make a decision, either. You can get information so when you have clarity about what you want to do, you'll be prepared. I know for me, NOT knowing what the consequences might be was a big part of my fear and anxiety, so taking the steps to find out what my options were really helped.

Please keep coming back here. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Iman, your story is very similar to mine except you seem much less in denial than I was. I stayed with my ex for around 19 years and we had three children and yes their life has been dark in places. My eldest son is badly effected and I believe he may be an alcoholic in the making, he is almost 20yrs old and he has struggled since he reached puberty. My whole family has been dysfunctional and I always blamed my ex alcoholic but I realise I was badly damaged by these years and in turn also inflicted damage on my family through my need to control and obsess. I am sorry to paint a bleak picture and I am sure their are women who have managed to keep a grip on their children especially women who have had alanon in their lives while their children have been young. For me I am relatively new. I have been attending Alanon for 1 year now and I am so grateful. I am healing and getting a clear picture of the truth good and bad. I am waking up to the facts and I am learning to forgive and love myself and in turn I am having a much more positive effect on my family. Your family sound young and you have the power to stop the damage one way or another, not necessarily through leaving him but getting yourself to Alanon meetings, really listening to the like minded people you will meet there. Wishing you the best of luck.x

Iman · Newbie

I am still unsure if the meetings are for me. My in-laws have attended, and I am not yet to that point. My biggest fear has ALWAYS been that my kids would grow up with such an addiction. A few months after we married, i was blindsided by finding one of my fears had come true-- just with my husband. we have only been married for 3 years now and i feel like our last beautiful memory was our honeymoon. i have a image of a perfect life and i want to be worried about things like, my son falling off his bike, or my baby bumping his head on the table. not-- will my kids grow up to be like their father if i do not put an end to this relationship? are they sensing the tension and the terror that i FEEL every day. i do not know what my "right answer" is, but i do know that i dont want to look back in 20 years and say. if only i would have removed them from that situation SOONER maybe they would have a fighting chance. Right now, i desperately try to make it seem like everything is fine and wonderful--- i yearn for that perfect family life. perfect can even be pretending all day long, and crying all night, right?

As far as separation goes-- is this something that needs to be "filed" i feel that it would be the best fit for our family needs right now, without me having to explain to a bunch of people who read about it in the paper, and whatnot( like when you file for a divorce).

I am actually overwhelmed by the warm welcomes from this site. It is very much appreciated. I cannot believe how many things i have read that apply to me and are EXACTLY on point with my husband.

Rinn · Senior Member

I am not sure what state you are in or what there laws are, but from my experience, (washington state) "filing" papers is at county house and while they are a matter of record you can make them private by sealing them. easy to do, and it doesn't need to be in paper or for anyones business but yours and your husbands. Some people put it in the paper to serve the other party here, if they can't locate them to give copies of legal papers. I agree with another poster talk to a few attornies for advice, many give free consultations. You may find a free or low cost legal clinic, or even a court house facilitator. Our area has an attorney who works for public and explains the process to people and sells forms who works at the courthouse and is the court facilitator. I have had a few attorneys to deal with my ex a few were good, one was great one was HORRIBLE. Find one you like, ask lots of questions before you make any desisions. get informed, sleep on it for a few days and see where your at.

I am sorry it has come to this. It is a horrible place to be, and overwhelming at times but it gets better.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Iman

I do not understand why you feel alanon is not for you. Alanon is a fellowship of people who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. We believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. . Having lived with this disease we need a program of recovery of our own.. I would like to suggest that you check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend at least 6 meetings before making a decision if alanon is for you.

Location of meetings can be found by going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information

Please keep coming back and sharing the journey

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-anon is for everyone affected by alcoholism, which it sounds as though you may be one of us. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews are a priceless read. I hope you can find the face to face meetings, life got better for many of us after we started showing up. Sending you much love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.