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My mom's best friend was telling me this morning that she and my AM were talking on the phone, my AM apologized for what she did and how she's been acting lately...my AM says she's too embarrassed to go to an AA meeting....maybe it's me being neive but what's there to be embarrassed about?! everyone in AA has the same problem she does! my AM keeps making excuses saying she will cut back on drinking which is BS! This is really affecting my dad who went through this with my brother years ago..and now his wife..its affecting me and my brother and older sister, she's busy with her own family though. Any advice would be appreciated!
The fears and obsessions I had for my son finally came to a head. I couldn't do it anymore. It was driving me crazy of the the excuses and lies I was hearing on a daily basis. I had to find a different way of dealing with the problem.....my problem.
I found the Al-anon way. I started with the first step and came to realize I had no power over my A and my life was being destroyed.
I let go......and I started working on myself no matter what my AS was doing. It didn't hurt me either, I didn't go off the deep end. I could detach with love, I could stop enabling him, I could set boundaries. In turn my AS is realizing I have changed and will not give in to his crazy life anymore. He knows I love him and he is excepting me for who I am now. His mom that loves him and is giving him the respect to find his own way.
He see's my smile and kind words to him. He knows I understand his problems but respects my boundaries and we get along a whole lot better no matter what he does. He deals with his problems, I deal with mine.
Best advice is take care of you " One day at a time"
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It's all about fear.... fear of the unknown.... fear of letting her "secret" out of the bag..... fear of choosing a path that is hard to turn away from.....
In their disease, I believe that the "fear of life with sobriety" is scarier than "life as an alcoholic/addict"....
I have seen many active A's who spend years "fearing" AA and/or recovery....
I have also seen hundreds of people who have found long term sobriety who welcome the AA as part of their newly chosen lifestyle...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Cathyinaz and Tom-thank you both for your insight and support.
Tom-what you said about fear really makes sense. I could see that fear in my brother before he got sober.
My hubby did not want to identify with "those" people. He called them lots of names with not very nice adjective. He eventually met some that he could identify with. He was court ordered to AA so he had to go. He found the meetings he felt comfortable in with the help of the others in the meetings. She has to get there to be able to work through her fears.
I always thought, as an outsider, that it was funny to hear him say that he didn't want other people to know about his alcoholism. I thought to myself that other people have been watching him BE an alcoholic for many years. It was not new news.
I was incredibly fearful of going to AA. The hardest part was getting to that first meeting. From there, I just did what they told me and now I have over 4 and a half years sober. I do understand how it takes multiple levels of her surrendering in order to finally get to an actual AA meeting. This does not need to stop you from full involvement in Alanon though.
Fear is of course the greatest emotional character defect of this disease. The people I identify with are those who were too fearful of going and made all the excuses and character attacks on "them". I did the same. Still as Cathy says the "First of our twelve steps" is most informative. You are powerless over her and to keep trying to have some power results in even more unmanageablility. This is what happened to me with my alcoholic/addict wife...I was so focused on her disability that I couldn't even see my own. Leave your mom to call the AA hotline number in your area to find open starter meetings (those who attend don't have to identify as alcoholic) and you can do the same with Al-Anon if you are not already doing it. Good luck and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Phoenix and welcome. You sound very young and I was wondering if you attend Alanon? You seem to have a very sensible view of things. Alanon helps you let go and let God. That allows you to look at you and your choices and your life. Your Mother is free to drink if that is her choice, you are powerless but you do have power over your life. This is easier said than done, I am constantly back to step one myself. However, the program helps you let go of your Mother's life one day at a time. I realise this all sounds like cliche's but its about your thought processes and they can be changed, it takes time, lots of reading, working the steps and in my case constant relapses but you inch towards freedom every day. Good Luck.
El-cee and Aloha, I've yet to go to a F2F meeting. I don't know if I'm scared, nervous or what...I'm tired of dealing with this. I've already done it once with my brother who's been clean and sober for 4 years! :) I know I need to go but I keep holding myself back, its up to me to make a change so I can cope with this disease. Thank you all for your support. Please pray for me, that my HP will speak to my AM's heart and help her to take that first step, and for my dad and brother and sister. We need prayers.
Random question: I used to go to CODA meetings, but stopped because of school and my AM, would it be more benefiting to go to a CODA meeting or a Al-Anon meeting? when it comes to deciding which to go to it seems a bit confusing to decide which to choose....please help!
Because you're directly dealing with the affects of alcoholism, Al-Anon would be a good fit for you - although I've found that as I grew in Al-Anon, I started to apply that first step to many aspects of my life other than just alcohol. Meaning my mental read of it would be "I am powerless over other people, places and things."
Al-Anon really does address a lot of co-dependent behaviors in and of itself. But it also understands very clearly what it's like to live with and care about alcoholics and the challenges that that disease in particular presents to us.
Phoenix, I will say a prayer for your family. There is a young girl at my meetings and it's her mother who is the a. Our group is like the reliable, consistent family that she never had. She is living a much happier life thanks to alanon and her mother is still drinking. It's not really about the drinking because there is nothing you can say or do. It's about your way of thinking about it. Go to 6 meetings, open your mind, feel the understanding in the room and get some healing for you. X
