The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could use some ESH... AH finally told his parents before he went to rehab. Literally, the conversation went like "I'm a drug addict, I'm going to rehab, and I love you." So now that he's there I'm the first line of contact... I'm having a hard time. I've pointed them to Al-Anon every time I've spoken to them, but I'm not sure what else to say/do.
I know they are in shock right now, and I love them dearly, but I just can't deal with their co-dependency (of AH) right now. They've always been co-dependent on their children, but AH is their "trophy child" and so this is really hitting them hard. I find myself without patience... they haven't been in the trenches these last two years (at my husband's choice). I'm trying to stay compassionate, and deal with my MIL's Facebook updates (thankfully she hasn't totally spilled on FB... yet!) and FIL's "this is all my fault", but I'm struggling.
I KNOW I don't know the parents' situation in this, I only have one perspective. I have no idea how I would handle this situation if it were my daughter. But I know that this point is the most positive place AH's been in in 2 years... I'm just looking for ESH and how to deal with my in-laws for the next 30 days. I honestly don't mind our conversations - I love them dearly and we are all very close - but I'm not sure what else to say (other than point them to Al-Anon). ???
It sounds like you are taking the best actions by sending them to al anon and rehab programs do offer other support, too. You have to focus on your recovery now that your husband is in a good place; you can breathe. Mama and papa will transfer their behaviors to you and may be like barnacles. You may have to be clear with them and set some boundaries that work for you. Then simply and lovingly say what you mean and don't waver when they ignore what you have said. They are panicked as they don't have the tools of al anon, but they are available to them. I would be ok to accompany them if they wanted me to. ...and good for you and your husband!
That's a good question and I would be interested to see what other people say. My AS just went into rehab and as soon as she left my parents started cleaning out her house, because it's a disaster. When I told them I think she should be the one to clean it out they said, "Oh it will just be too overwhelming for her." I still disagree with them and think they have no business cleaning out her house. She should spend time cleaning out her house instead of drinking, watching TV, planning dinner parties, etc. It's all about responsibility. That's what I do 3 times a year: instead of "playing" I spend 3 weekends a year cleaning out closets, getting rid of stuff, organizing. It's not fun but I believe you have to be responsible for your house and teach your children to do the same (my 6 year old daughter helps with her room). My mother is probably a borderline alcoholic but she functions VERY VERY well, though she is as mean as a snake. My father is about to earn his sainthood and he has been through many co-dependency books, though he seems to have forgotten a lot. I doubt MY parents would ever be open to the idea of Al-Anon. But I digress....
And as far as my AH's family, I gave up on them long ago - they refuse to believe me when I tell them he is smoking crack. They say if I keep talking about it then he really WILL start smoking it. Whatever. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. (I've been daydreaming of sending them a copy of his probation officer's report that I found in his car stating he tested positive for cocaine 2 weeks ago.....vengeance will be mine!!!! ha ha ha, just kidding.......sort of........) I have thought about sending them all a copy of "Getting them sober," but I think they would just dislike me more. And I'm sure they would never read it.
My view right now of people is that they don't change and they don't look for ways to better their lives. So you can talk to them til your blue in the face - but people just don't change. For example, it has taken me 2 years to accept that I need to go back on anti-depressants and get back into therapy. I am almost to the point that I am willing to drive 1 hour to an Al-Anon meeting (the closest one) but not yet - I may be another 6 months from accepting that. Anyway, hope this helps in some way, maybe someone else will have more insight. But I'm soooooooo glad your AH went to rehab. That gives me chills - I sincerely wish him well.
I think Nicole and PP made excellent points. Generally speaking, if you pray, try and keep your motives clear....and if you have a good relationship with his parents, honesty and just saying what you feel cannot be a bad thing. Just like you are powerless over your AH's recovery, you are powerless over theirs. Say what YOU need to say to them. Don't worry about saying what will make THEM better. By being your authentic self and being caring and just trying to get your points across in a loving and concerned way....That is the best you could ever do. That is the best your HP could ever want of you and that is how you will best be of service to them. Just like your AH is either going to recover or not....so will they. It's about what YOU will do. Be you and be the best YOU that you can be. That just involves loving his parents (since you do evidently love and care for them) and speaking from your heart. You are always free to suggest what you think might help people you care about but you are powerless over whether or not they follow through.
I can only speak from my Own ESH but I know with My Mom I had to be Very Honest & Blunt when it came to my ABrothers Drinking, Drugging, I didn't try to cram it down her throat, but when she would bring it up I had to Kindly say... "Mom I know he is your Baby, but if you don't cut the cord SOON, he may never get out of this!, He has to be Responsible for his OWN Doings, and You Saving him is NOT Giving him ANY Help what so ever! It is allowing him MORE Time to do the Drugs & Drink!" Now Mind ya I have told her this I don't know somewhere prob close to a couple 100 times! BUT... I Will say she is Getting better!
I Lost My AFather to this Very Disease & that is what brought me to Al-Anon to begin with! His Mom was EXACTLY like Mine because he was the "Baby" & the "Golden Boy" and every time he stubbed his Toe, Mom was right there to Save him! Even Before Al-Anon, I Knew with my Dad I had to set Boundrys in order to survive!!! I told him I would NOT by No Means Support his Drinking or his Cigs, or his Drugs! BUT He would just ask someone else! But I Sleep better at night Knowing I Did Not Contribute! I gave him ALL the Love I Could Muster up! but that was about it!
Your AH has a LONG Road ahead of him, and so do you! But thats what Recovery is all about, Trying to "Regain" our Dignaty, our Self Worth, our Past Hurt! So Many things can happen in recovery, that can truly Change the Course of our Lives... IF... We are Willing to do the work! Your MIL will only Worry till she Realizes that there is also help for her Worries, and Al-Anon would Help her with that So Very Much, but as the saying goes, "You can Lead a Horse to Water... but you Can't Make it Drink!" Some People Just Continue to Live in Denial because the FACTS of Life are just too much for them... I know... I was a Pro at living in Denial... And Until they are ready to accept their Son as he is, that is where they will stay! You Can Try Explaining to them HOW Al-Anon Works, Maybe Pass on a book or two if you think they would look at it like "Getting them Sober" or "How Al-Anon Works for Family & Friends of Alcoholics" its a Start, maybe it will get their Wheels spinning and Help them Understand that their Son is Still their Son! He is Just fighting a Disease that is Better Helped when all around them Understand the Nature of it...
You Of Course are at the Right Place! The Place where Taking Care of YOU... Is the #1 thing to do! You will benifit & as will all around you, just because of the Changes in attitude & actions that you will become after working your Program... :) It has Truly Changed my Life, but I had to be Willing to Swallow my Pride & Dig Deep and Truly be Honest about What "MY" Part in their Addiction was ... (Sorry I have A's all around me, Dad just the One that Got Me Here!) I didn't Like to think I had a part, but I did... More then I Like to admit on a regular basis... I was Enabling, and trying to Control things that really were non of my Business..I know that now! and THANK GOD I now can allow them to live their life & Me Mine, and it has been a True blessing I believe for All of us! Took a long time, but I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! :)
I can say as a mother of a A that my involvement with my son's relationship at the time was very destructive on my part. I only wish that my son's GF would have told me to read about my son's addiction and going to Al-anon. I didn't know. My only thoughts at the time was he could be cured if I stepped in and took over. Biggest mistake of my life. I wish I had the Al-anon Lit, have read more about addictions, enabling and co-dependency.
I pray your in-laws will come to realize NOW what is best for their son is to Let Go and Let God take care of him.
Take care of you and pray they will learn quickly.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
