The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey there, I'm a thanful member of Al Anon. I have been silent for some time, giving me space and peace, and building myself up again. I split up with my ABF 2 months ago, ...I still say I wouldn't have done it by myself, because I loved him very much..but i was kind of forced to, it was so obvious the abuse and the lies and the cheating. So I walked away, with a heavy hurt heart. since then my serenity got back quite quick...also with the help of this board, friends and family. the fear and guilt lifted and i remembered what I wanted in life. Most of the time I'm working a good program, and let the feelings pass, after acknoledging them. For me , it's ok who I am and how I am.... I know my flaws all too well, but recently recognized my positive points a s a person too. i grew immensy in self-care and self-respect.
So ex ABF has contacted me last week. beause he thought i was gone. When he thought I was living 10000 km away, he suddenly made amends. he acknowledged his wrong doings ...but actually didn't apoplogize or so sorry. But he acklowledged them. well i am who I am, and I accepted his words with compassion. i deceided already before that that I will not dwell in anger and hate for long, because those negative emotions affect me more than anybody else. I thought we were at a turning point, growing both, and hope in humanity came back.
it turns out that it is still and always only about him, he decided now to do all the things that, when we were still in the relationship, I wanted to do as a couple. I was always the ccreative one, the dreamer, the one that wanted to go places and do things. At that time he constantly found excuses, no money, no time, no energy, no family support....now that i walked away, he suddenly got it all...and he is realizing my ideas. That's frustarting....and scary....i remembre he told me once 'i want to be like you'....well it seems he puts it into action now,. well I also know that will not happen, because he is certainly missing what it takes. and he went back to his drink also...what hurts is that he really puts himself on a pedestral again. he tells me how much he hurts, that he is scared to talk to me now, that he gets hurt again. EXCUSE ME? He cheated, had anotehr woman by his side all the time we were together, has her as a back up now, talks in arrogance about 'his wonderful ideas' that are all coming from my head....abused me, spitted on me....but he is hurt???? how can that be. and the best: if you knew how a broken heart feels, and if you knew how much this hurts, you wouldn't talk like that!'...that was the answer to my question, if he was still seeing that girl and if she also knew the truth about the ast year.
People, I am disgusted today, i knwo what I'm worth and I know my part in all this too....but seriously, I'm loosing hope in ever trusting somebody again. I don't think it can happen again after all this crap.what is wrong with people, hurting other, almost beating them, and afterwards add even another kick, more mental abuse...never acknowledging fully that tehy destroying others. the attitude of an alcoholic is scary and so full of energy, it seems they never give up. One day I think he got it, there is a little honesty and humility, the other day, he is back on his golden throne. He seriously believes that he is MY victim...whereas he obviously is his own victim due to the drink. He sabotaged himself, he set us up....how does he dare believing what he believes. Just becasue of his huge inferiority complex or what.
after what happened to me, I could have drown in depression, I could have ended my life, I could have beaten , screamed, cryed, endlessly....I didn't because I love this life...but I was hurt...like never before. I grew strong with this program...and now his logic says : 'you are stronger than me, so i need more care and attention'....like it was a natural that, because I learned how to live a more healthy life, I don't need any love and attention... it hurts when people say, that just because I am strong an d a fighter , everything is easy and simple for me in life. IT ISN'T EASY, and me also I KNOW THE PAIN. what is wrong with people....aren't human beings all the same, with emotions and feelings and wounds...?
well guess what, I still need all the care I am given by my loved ones....and contact with that A person just goes back to 0 from today, because he makes me vomit, despite all the good will an d compassion I sincerely feel inside.
I do so hear you and undersand exactly what happened in the interechange Good for you to be able to come here and vent You are correct You need positve support and should not go to the hardware store for bread.
Tortuga - you know he is sick and active in his addiction. You know he's never made an ounce of sense. You know he's full of crazy excuses and BS. Be careful not to let him affect your entire view of people. You asked "what is wrong with people, hurting others, almost beating them, and afterwards add even another kick, more mental abuse...never acknowledging fully that they are destroying others." That is where you are taking the behavior of 1 sick person whom you know to be sick and then extrapolating it to all humans. "People" in general are not like that. Active alcoholics/addicts are. How will you trust again? Well in 2 months you have made enormous progress in detaching from him and not thinking he's gonna be different. The more you build yourself up, the more you cant be given "another kick" because you just won't tolerate it. You just won't have a desire to hear more bullcrap from the mouth of a crazy person. When I hear from my ex-A now - which is rare. I roll my eyes at how the same problems can manifest themselves 5 years later with no solution.
In future relationships, you will probably be more alert and aware of what you "don't want"....There will be more red flags. You will get that "icky" feeling like "This is familiar. This feels like the way my ex used to act" and then you will end relationships quicker. That's basically how it worked for me. After more time, I realized that my ex was/is not a reflection of people in general. Yeah, there are some other folks out there that could hurt me. Yeah - I have had other hurtful break ups since then too, but nothing was like that one. Like you said. I am not a victim and I learned from all these relationships more about what I don't want, how I want to be treated and I became more assertive and clear about boundaries when I started dating people. My relationships got better that way (not just in dating but everywhere).
