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Sorry its been so Long, Still Clawing my Way tho...
Last Night I went to My F2F Meeting and the Topic was FEAR... Ya know till I started to listen around the table I Honestly didn't realize how much FEAR has held me Back in so Many Opticles in my Life, and tho some are Simpler then others, Some for Me are Quite Tough!
I have a Dear Friend that has been trying for YEARS to get me to look in to some "Art/Craft" Shows for the things that I do, (Cross Stitch, Quilting, Crocheting, Scrapbooking, Photography, Weaving, Looms, Latch hook, Wood Crafts, Any Crafts Really) and I realized then, that FEAR is the reason I never thought to step outside the box with it and chase it down! And here's is what I Come up with...
I Live in Fear that If I Commit to saying... YES... I am going to Do what I LOVE to do, then what if I Fail? What if what I do is Good Enough for People that Know me, but NOT Good enough for others... Fear of Failure, is Just One of the Many Character defects I carry in this department... I Fear If I make a Promise to Some that has a Dead line attached then I will let that Person down, and with my Life going in so many differant directions, I Fear to make ANY Promises... Because I know the Pain Very Well... Of Broken Promises..
Growing up in My Alcoholic Home I was Always Told "I Couldn't" or "Would be able to" and the FEAR in that Alone has left me Frozen in time at moments when I know I LOVE something, and Want it So Bad, but as soon as I get just close enough to touch it, I make Every excuse in the world as too WHY I just can't make it happen! the Panic starts, the Anixety kicks in full gear, and the Self Doubt pretty much seals the Deal! ALWAYS!
I can listen to others tell me how Beautiful something is, and I Thank them, but I Truly believe that their words are just them being Kind... So I don't take Anything they say to heart because I have HORRIBLE Trust issues.. With myself, and those that have hurt me, or those I Feel WILL Hurt me Sooner or later...
So... When I have NO Trust, and a TON of Fear, I find myself Stuck... I almost Wish that Someone would be Bold enough to tell me NOW... That I CAN'T... Because for what ever reason, that to me is More motivating then Kindness... 'Sick I know' .... So... My Life, is about to go from Calm Mild winter into Crazy out of control Spring, due to my Boy Playing on (2) Spring Soccer Leagues, I'm Planning a Surprise Retirement Party for my Mom in 3wks, I'm taking some "Minor" classes at the local College this month, and I'm Working my 40+ hrs a wk and Keeping My Gr. Nephew 2 days a week for the Next 3.... the Calendar is Really having a Hard time keeping up... My Only Regret is Not Getting More time with my AGram, who Calls me now every 3 days to Remind me that i have not been up and she is forgetting what I look like!!! Its only been 2.5wks since I saw her, but she expects More...
But Fear Plays a Part in that as well... I am So Fearful of Letting others down that I Overwhelm myself trying to keep all balls floating in the air at once, I have Accepted that I am NOT "Superwoman" but my inward 'stinking thinking' still Creeps up and reminds me of EVERY Wrong I ever thought of Committing...
Fear has held me back on so many levels, that at times... I Feel like I Exist in a world that I'm Not Present in... Like I am Still after 4+yrs in al-anon just Going thru the Motions.... I Do My Daily readings, and type them everyday and share with a friend, I Keep up with my Meetings, and have learned to "4th Step" dang near Everything i do daily!!! I work the Steps along with the Principles, And tho I know I am to Keep it Simple, and Easy Does it, I still at times feel like I have been hit with a steam roller!
And tho I Speak Daily (Many times daily) with my HP, I too Fear I'm Doing that Wrong too... How can one person have so much "self doubt" even after all my Recovery?
So... I'm Asking all of you to share with me Your Steps to Overcome FEAR? Anything little or Big that Helps you when Fear Gets you by the juggler & wont let up! ESH Aways :)
Thank You all for Being here! I Truly am Grateful for ALL your Love & Support over these last 4yrs... I Have Come a LONG Way, but there will Always be Room for Improvement and I know HP Wont Bring me To it If he Can't Bring Me Thru it.. <3
It is not easy living with fear..actually reading your posts, I hear courage, as you have so manys skills! For me, I identify my fear, embrace my fear, love my fear and do things anyway. I meditate alot to keep me generally in a calm place..sometimes I am calm and sometimes I am not. Since you have identified your fears, now you can look at them in the light....your HP must see that you can now handle the things that are lurking in the shadow...good for you!
I have struggled a lot with fear over the last year as I decided whether to separate from my AH of 20 years. Fear of big things, but also small things, anything that felt like it was even a glance in the direction of leaving or thinking about living independently.
One thing that has helped me came from an art class I took. We were told to do some journaling (or at least deep thinking) about things we were afraid of when we were kids. Things we were afraid of now. Little fears (finding a spider in the shower), big things (being homeless or broke), you name it. And then we wrote out sentences, about ourselves as if we were telling a a story: She was afraid of going into the shower because she might find a spider, but she did it anyway." She was afraid to interview for a new job, but she did it anyway. Those words: SHE DID IT ANYWAY were very empowering to me. We then went on to make art about some of those. But somehow, that phrase unlocked the block for me: there's fear, and the inaction that comes from fear. Fear doesn't have to stop the action -- in fact, we do things every day we were once afraid to do. I was terrified to take driver's ed, but I did it anyway and I've driven for many years without an accident.
I don't know if this will help, but I've found it sort of useful. Know that the fear need not stop you. You can do it anyway. Be compassionate with yourself -- it sounds like you are actually doing a lot!
Fear is an interesting subject When I first arrived in alanon I could have sworn that I did not feel fear After a year or so I discovered (after working the Steps) that I was so afraid to feel fear or sadness that I changed them into anger or indifference, shut down, built a wall around me and walked about thinking I was fine.
In reading your post I too, like PP, heard courage. You are seeing and owning what you have been doing that hurts you and the reason(fear). You have heard that in program we begin to peel the onion.
I believe that HP thinks that you are now ready to see and own your various artistic abilities and to attempt to put them out for others to see and appreciate.
Courage, Wisdom and serenity are all gifts that HP will give you to accomplish this .
Fear is a tough one .. Just last night I was reading the infamous Yoda from Starwars quote on a magnet I have on my fridge (I make them) .. the quote ? Fear is the path that leads to the darkside, the darkside leads to hate, hate leads to suffering .. It jumped out at me like a ton of bricks .. Fear is a "path like alanon is a "path .. fear has also held me captive for years feeling the feelings of being anchored in a dark place .. I still have an anchor hp is removing little by little but now that I know it's a path, it makes me think a little more .. do I truly want / need to travel down it .. I have traveled down that path for years and it is dark .. the reason I feel fear ? where am I .. need to check my path .. much easier said than done, but the awareness alone is something I can share in the alanon meetings .. I can't change where I'm at but Hp can change my perception of where I'm at .. my hp can also bring meaning into situations where there was none .. all i need to do is take the action to attend a meeting no matter how I feel, share, be honest with myself, and listen and learn .. hp will do the rest .. (the changes come in the meetings themselves) it's a painful place to be when we don't know we do have choices to stay in it or to step out .. I love the line in my how alanon book goes .. I read it just the other night . the alanon program gives me hope because it is all about change .. changing the fear .. changing the perceptions .. lately i just keep asking for the wisdom to know the difference.. fearing the future tonight myself but remembering many of my fears will never happen .. the reason ? they are based on the "feelings" of fear and won't happen necessarily because feelings aren't facts; they are just what they are .. feelings .. fear included .. much serenity to you ..
i also love your quote .. fear looks back .. it's where many of my fears were formed .. in the past (with no recovery) .. there's another magnet i love, however, that says .. "Never fear shadows, it simply means there's a light shining somewhere" .. keep going to those meetings .. it will come .. the good news ? powerless over alcohol .. powerless over recovery .. it comes when it comes when it comes ..
