One of the things I've realized through this Alanon work is how one of the ways I've been affected by my AH is that I've spent so much time in my head trying to make sense out of crazy things.  I'm learning to stop my mind from circling around and and around, trying to fit puzzle pieces together, and remember that there IS no way it all fits -- it's the result of my AH saying whatever the disease makes him say.

I thought I had a decent handle on this.  Then last week, my AH (from whom I separated 2 months ago) told me that he'd talked to his doctor, he'd acknowledged his dependency and overuse of Xanax, and come up with a plan to taper off and monitor things.  This was somewhat encouraging, as he's never acknowledged that his use of the xanax was anything other than appropriate.  I asked (cautiously) what about drinking, had he talked to the doctor about how his daily drinking might be affecting and magnifying the effects of the xanax?  Oh no, he said, the doctor said that having a glass or two each night wasn't anything to worry about, alcohol wasn't a problem, etc.  These are the conversations I struggle with in terms of alanon principles.  I try to detach.  I can't persuade him that he's an alcoholic.  I can't get him to admit that he has far more than "a glass or two" each night.  So I'm trying to pull back, recognize that this is his denial and disease talking.

But over the weekend a very close friend of both of ours called.  He wanted to tell me that he'd had a really positive conversation with my AH, how my AH had told him about seeing the dr, recognizing the effects Xanax has been having on him, understanding that his dependency on it has been unhealthy.  And, he went on, my AH had said that the dr asked him about drinking, and my AH acknowledged that he drank far too much, he'd been dependent on alcohol for years, and when asked when the last time was that he DIDn't drink every day, he said when he was 12 years old.  (He's now 65.) 

My friend is saying, isn't this great, he's recognizing his dependency, it's a good sign, he's starting to deal with this.  And yes, part of me inside rises up with hope and thinks maybe he will start to see and acknowledge and deal with this.

But the other part of me recognizes that feeling of "wait, what he told YOU is different than what he told me a few days ago.  Totally contradictory." 

I've had to stop spinning myself around, wondering which version was true, if EITHER version was true, is he acknowledging things or not, while would he say something different to me, etc etc. 

What I am understanding today is that I don't like, and don't need to tolerate, a situation where the person I'm suppose to trust the most is the person whose words I can never trust.  All of the contraditions and inconsistencies in what he says DO make me crazy.  I can realize that it's part of his disease and it's just not something I can (or need to) rationalize.  It's his disease, and my disease is expecting it all to make sense and be tidy.  It makes me realize how badly I want to believe what he says, believe that he's managing this or handling it or getting the right treatment.  And the next things that come out of his mouth dash those hopes.

I'm entitled to have people around me that I can trust, and who are trustworthy in what they say and do.  It's sad that his disease prevents that in my AH.  It hurts that I can't believe what he says, and I understand that the brain-spinning is my way of trying to avoid that pain. 

Thanks for letting me share this with you.

Norasq

Thank you for baring your soul ; the story is all too familiar. You don't say how long you have been in Alanon, but you are so right in your thinking about what is needed in your life, not his. I too can kick myself on the years I wasted, worrring and trying to "make a plan" or trying to make sense of what my AD was doing. Hang in there, as you are not alone.

Hope you post again and let us know how you are doing.

It is so painful, isn't it?  We want so badly to have what we want and we live in the "if only's"; hanging onto any glimmer of hope.  I found it easier when I believed that everything my A said was a lie..took the guesswork out of it.  Keep working your recovery program and don't listen with your ears or head...listen with your gut..your body knows when someone is telling the truth.  You know when he is telling the truth, just like I did. Trust yourself and your HP, not your partner.