The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I just googled "How long does cocaine stay in your system" because my AH has an appt w/ his probation officer this Wednesday. He just failed a drug test 2 weeks ago (+ for cocaine, THC & benzos(?) ) and I'm starting to obsess over what is going to happen. Yes, he's still been smoking crack for the past 2 weeks. I let him use my car Saturday night to attend a 10pm NA meeting and I woke up at 3am and he still wasn't home. Yes, I called him and he said he was on his way home - he had been talking to people after the meeting. <Doh!> I found a crack pipe hidden in the bookshelf the next morning (he's not very sneaky - he stashes them in the same spot every time), along with his NA sheet which is supposed to be signed by someone at the meeting to turn in to the probation office. It wasn't signed for Saturday night's meeting although he still swears he went. Though some people were apparently in my car b/c the backseat covers were off and there was dirt in the floorboard (I had just cleaned it that afternoon). I mean, REALLY, he must think I am the biggest idiot EVER. He didn't go to a meeting, he went out and got high with some other crackheads. In my car. <face-palm>
But I digress. What I am obsessing over is thinking the countdown might be on. The countdown to his probation being revoked. He's not looking at 60-90 days. He's looking at YEARS in prison. And it is making me physically sick to my stomach. I can't believe he doesn't care about his freedom. I can't believe he is willing to throw his life away. He has a beautiful 6 year old daughter. Why doesn't he care about his life???? Why doesn't he care?????? I just don't get it. And I am terrified I will feel guilty when/if he gets sent to prison. How do you keep going when someone you care about is in prison? And why would I care about him at all considering what he has put me through??? And I'm also terrified the probation office won't do anything at all and let him keep on going, failing drug tests every 2 weeks, and I will be living in hell because I can't figure out how to leave him.
And I know, this post is all about him him him. And it's not supposed to be. But it's always been about him him him for 7 years now. And I'm just obsessing over what is going to happen because I don't know what to expect and I hate that. My life could be about to completely turn upside down and I'm scared because I have no one to turn to - not my family, not his family, no friends - not talking financially (I can take care of myself) but emotionally, I have no one, and that's really hard. I feel very alone. Yes I want my life back - but not really like this, not by his going to prison for 5-10 years. Nobody wins in this scenario. It's just so sad. What a waste. Thanks for letting me rant.
(BTW, turns out cocaine can stay in his body anywhere from 3 to 22 days, depending on how heavy a smoker he is. And I have no concept of how much he smokes, but I know he smoked it again last night, so that's within the time frame for Wednesday's drug test.....)
I have no magical answers for you Nicole, other than your post almost "screams" out that it is time you "turn him over".... One of our most powerful slogans is "Let Go and Let God", and it fits perfectly here...
You are obsessing over the "whys" of his disease, but perhaps he needs these severe consequences in front of him, in order to fully reach his bottom and choose a life of sobriety....
The key is, for you and your daughter, is for you to get yourself healthy, so that you will be okay "regardless" of what he chooses to do / not do...
He will either use (or go to jail, etc) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?
Your worry & effort can't change a thing about him and/or his circumstances, and ultimately our A's have to bear the consequences of their choices and behaviors.... You, on the other hand, are very much in control of what YOU can do for yourself and your daughter.... Today is a GREAT day to dive head-first into YOUR recovery, and posting here is an excellent start.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have found since I have let go and let my AS's HP take over things in my life have become so much more peaceful. My son could go to jail next week if he gets caught driving drunk. He could fall and really hurt himself this time. There are a hundred different things he could do to cause a crisis. But there is one thing I understand now. I can't stop it! If it's going to happen it will happen. Nothing in my power is going to stop it.
I continue to pray, study in my program, journal and read to keep myself serene and at peace. I also say prayers for my son that he will find his way.
I won't let my son destroy that peace anymore. If the "what ifs" or "whys" come up I work to calm my feelings and thoughts and move on. I have STOPPED my madness.
One day at a time....
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Just have a few minutes, then I am leaving for the day....Nicole, get on the step board. Today's posting is on the 1st step and there are questions to consider..do the work today and get yourself going in recovery.
i do hear you and know the fear and anxiety. Please know you are not alone and that you can find the support you need in the face to face rooms of alanon and here on this Board.
