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Hi, my name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
The alcoholic that qualifies me for al-anon is my father. I just received a very interesting phone call from him that I feel is a breakthrough in both of our recoveries.
I'll backtrack a bit. A few months ago my father was diagnosed with early stage prostate cancer. They removed his protate and everything was fine. My dad used this as a revelation, that life is short and that he's going to finish it doing what makes him happy. This meant continuing to drink. He began frequenting a local bar where be would befriend many of the other patrons.
When my father drinks, he has a tendency to get very depressed. He feels sorry for himself. Even with drunks at a sports bar, that routine can get pretty tired. He's become good friends with a few of them and I've met them. Although, nice people they are still alcoholics so I am weary about getting close to them but my dad seems to share a lot with them.
Many of these friends have been asking him '_______ why do you drink?'. Today he finally told me why.
I always knew when my father was younger he was involved in his local church. He was a member of the quoir. He also always had a skepticism and dislike for priests and brothers. I never really thought much of it.
Today, I received a phone call. He was crying and said 'I need to tell you something'. He took a deep breath and he said 'When I was younger, I was molested.' Then silence combined with weeping. 'People have been asking me a lot lately why I drink?.....That's why...I drink to forget....and that's why I drink.....I'm sorry...I love you...but I'm going to try and solve this....it's f******* up my life and yours.....i used to be in the quoir and...anyway I won't get into details....priests shouldn't be priests and brothers shouldn't be brothers....55 years I've been holding this in.'
I then proceeded to tell him how proud I was and honored that he was able to share that with me. I asked him what propmted him to choose now? He said that everyone at the bar kept asking him why he drinks and I guess he was tired of defering the answer.
He then went into a bit of a rant Im not gay, you know im not gay....I chuckled and said I know, I wouldnt be here if you were, Ive seen you with plenty of women...he laughed.
I think this is a big breakthrough for him.
For me, I feel like this has lit me up. It goes back to one of the al-anon 20 questions do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis.
I dont know what to think though. Part of me is hopeful this will progress to something more. Part of me feels it will be status quo. I guess I still need time to process it. I phoned my sponsor and left him a message. I plan on going to a meeting later.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 7th of April 2013 04:14:31 PM
Already that is not the status quo...Wow!! he needed to talk and he chose you Jim...he must see and sense you as a very trusting and supportive man...just like we do. Maybe he's been watching your program and didn't know or care what it was called and then he called. Awesome. You got lots of awareness and understanding to share with him without having to break your anonymity. Tell him that there are like men out there he can also talk with. Awesome event...thanks for coming here and sharing that with us. I got prayers for him and they are gone now. HP knows. (((hugs)))
It is great that he trusted you and could be so vulnerable. Your listening and presence with him and his sharing is freeing for both of you. What a great connection.
Good for him, what a relief. It probably clarifies his behavior for you. I never believe the alcoholics saying that it is fun and they are happy. There seems to always be a story behind the story.
Jim, I'm really glad he was able to tell you that. I do think that to a degree, he is an older man and is looking back on years of alcoholism and trying to come up with a reason for all the failures. Not to say this didn't happen to him because I am sure he's telling the truth. But...if only a person's alcoholism was that simple. After the disease has been taken on and nourished for years and years, the "reason" we drink is so much more than any one thing.
So...Its awesome that he told you that, but I know that when I was in my active addiction, I did pull out all the stops trying to look for a "reason" why I drank rather than to just stop and dedicate myself to recovery. I spent a lot of time feeding ideas on how and why I was broken because I could not and would not take steps to get better. I hope he goes to a therapist and of course ultimately AA, but you know the drill on that. Be careful not to buy too much into the "victim" stamp that he is putting on himself. Even being a victim of childhood sexual abuse, he is still culpable for his choices. That was never a good reason to throw your life away on booze. Same as me having depressive breakdowns, having to come out of the closet...end an engagement...blah blah was also not a good enough reason to be an alcoholic. Nothing was. The alcoholism had taken on a life of it's own and I adopted a victim mentality which kept it feuled.
You might want to read up on the ACE study (Adverse Childhood Experiences) to see how traumatic events from childhood affect people's health and emotional well being for their entire lives
