The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH was doing so well and he's been off the drugs for almost two weeks now and off the alcohol for two months but a few minutes ago, he just walked out of the front door to go to the smoke shop to get some spice.
He's been going to his outpatient treatment classes but obviously, he's not ready to quit yet.
I got mad at him. I cried and beg him not to go but he did anyway. *sighs*
I'm mainly upset at myself for crying and begging. I thought I'm doing well but it's looking like I need more practice when it comes to letting go. I am having a really hard time with this. I don't even believe in the promises he makes anymore and it's really sad.
We are all human--and it is brutal to see the ones we love go forward for days, weeks and months in a positive direction and then all of a sudden, an about face. We wonder why, we question, we might beg and cry even knowing that none of it helps.
Don't be too hard on yourself--I heard (again) at an alanon mtg recently that it is too difficult for most people to live with an alcoholic, so I try to remember that when I feel that I am losing myself.
It's confusing. The crying and begging is pointless in the end for getting him to stop. But on the other hand, this is your marriage. So...crying is normal but crying and begging him is not gonna change much. I suspect there is some soul searching that you need to do in terms of whether you can accept being in this relationship with someone so ambivalent about recovery. That's about you though and not him. Surrender him.
I know how hard it is. Our emotions sometimes get the better of us. Don't beat yourself up. Just remind yourself that it's something you'd like to work on and move on.
You aren't living with someone who is rational and that is hard for anybody. I hope you can get to a meeting soon or if you have a sponsor, give them a call. Things can get better for YOU but it takes practice and time. Hang in there, sending you virtual hugs today!
My Alanon husband was super crazy today. It's so hard being a recovering alcoholic and living with an alanon who hasn't worked the steps or done much of anything other than a meeting or two a week. He just went round and round with things again today, accusing me of things that were fabricated in his own mind and over reacting as usual. I guess complaining about others doesn't keep the focus on the only thing I can change: Myself. When this thinking disease has someone in it's grips, it is very very difficult to live with them. I need alanon to live with my alanon/adult child husband - and it helps me soooooooooo much. Meetings, step work, time outs from the crazy, that's what works for me. Best wishes to you... you're not alone.
