The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is wrong with me? I am serious. I kicked the alcoholic boyfriend out a few days ago and today it really hit me. I am just really hurt by all this. I feel like I keep going through this over and over and over again. Kicking him out, obsessing and worrying he is going to die....
I really thought this last time I let him move back in, we were going to work. He wasnt drinking, we were getting along, we were working out and trying to both get healthier.... It was the best it has been in the 15 years I have been tangled up with this guy.
And just like that he relapses and turns into a completely different person that I can't stand to be around. And so not wanting to be an enabler, I kick him out, because that was the only request I had when I allowed him to move back in, I just don't know why I'm not worth it to him not to drink? His life was starting to get better. He was feeling better, looking better, working, got a car.... And now I am alone again. I lost my best friend....AGAIN. And each time this happens, I never know if I will ever see him alive again. He has had some pretty close calls already.
I am totally rambling right now. It just really hurts bad. All of this just sucks.
Sorry you are going thru this. We hear you loud and clear. You are right, it does sucks the life right out of you. You did not say if you go to an alanon meetings but I highly recommend them. Hit a few if the first one does not click. Get all the info you can on the disease. Get a book called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews as this will really help you understand the delemia you are experiencing. You are not alone in this.
I am sure much more advise will be coming your way on here. Please come back.
I am sorry that you are in such pain and so understand this pain and sadness. Please remember that alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which you are powerless. Living with this disease we become adversely affected and so need a program of recovery in order to regain our true selves.
Alanon is that program it was founded by the wife of the Founder of AA who discovered she need help after he stopped drinking. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is listed in the white pages.
I urge you to check them out and attend. It is important to break the isolation caused by this disease and to develop new tools to live by. It was here that I finally learned how to love without fear, one day at a time and to act in my own best interest and to stop reacting to the world
If you don't know what true recovery for an alcoholic looks like, it's easy to think they are better because they convince themselves they are better just long enough so the inner voice creeps back in and says "Everything is cool this time. It's different. You can have a few drinks." Then it's off to the races. The only real safeguard I have found is for an alcoholic to be immersed in a recovery program so that those types of obsessive thoughts are kept at bay or the person is armed with tools to handle them when they arise. If the person has no sponsor, no meeting to go to that day or the next, doesn't tell on their own sickness....they will relapse when the thoughts come. There are some folks that can stop drinking without a program for long periods of time but that's very rare and they are usually pretty miserable people. It's bad news and a bad omen when an alcoholic looks and acts like they never had a problem. It's a good sign when they look and act like a person with a meaningful recovery (meetings, sponsor, stepwork, service work).
So, I don't fault you for thinking "he's better" when all evidence would show on the outside that he was. BUT - when there is no program and not work to stay sober,
Sobriety Loses It's Priority = SLIP
As for you, Alanon does have everything to offer to help you solidify your boundaries. The fear of being alone and that another person's life or death is on you....those are common when folks come into alanon. You don't need to feel that way. Just like he needs to do something radically different (surrender and commit to serious recovery) so that he will get different results - you can benefit from the recovery in alanon also so that you will get different results.
I understand what you are feeling. I've felt the same way many times. I've come to realize that I am sick as well, Codependent. I have highs and lows, mentally and physically.
When I focus on Self Care & HP, eliminate toxic surroundings such as: Facebook, Fast Food, Gossip, Negative People Not In the Program and so on I feel a sense of PEACE in my mind and heart. When I have that PEACE I'm better able to ACCEPT one day at a time.
