The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ilovedogs, I can understand just how you feel and in fact I feel like I often feel what you describe. I'm new at this myself, but it occurs to me that you have good reason to feel uncertain and to lack trust. The reality is that you do see two different people, in some ways -- the loving husband who wants to make things better, and the binge drinker you know will resurface. It's not that you resent his seeming better, it seems to me -- it's that you have learned that despite how it looks at the moment, it's NOT better. Maybe your resentment and anger are due to the expectation (from yourself? your AH?) that you "should" be happy and respond with eager openness to his kind words, but of course the reality of what you have experienced and what you have learned will surely happen again are there, preventing you from being whole-heartedly open to his overtures?
As I said, I'm new to all of this, but I'm starting to think that part of step one's acceptance is not just accepting the realities of alcoholism and not being able to change other people, but also accepting one's own reactions without shame or guilt. We feel how we feel. Our emotions are telling us (and warning us., even) that things don't feel right or comfortable. So maybe just letting ourselves acknowledge how we feel without judging it or beating ourselves up about it is a piece of accepting ourselves, and our reactions to this crazy-making disease.
-- Edited by norasq on Tuesday 2nd of April 2013 11:19:47 AM
My AH had another black out binge about 2 weeks ago. He was traveling for work and when he came home he committed himself to NOT drinking....AGAIN. He says he knows I've heard it all before. He's still not going to go to AA and is basically doing this on willpower alone, as he's done so many other times in the past. He stays dry for a few weeks to a few months and them WHAM! he's drinking again. He is going to individual therapy once a week now, not sure how that's going. The last time we were in marriage counseling he said he wanted a clean slate and wanted to start over. He said he's ready to make changes.
Here's where my resentment comes in: I have been HEARING things from him that sound good. Yet, his actions are lacking and I'm not sure at this point what actions I should even be looking at. He still sits around mopey in the house when we're all here. He still locks himself in the office and seems anti-social most of the time, yet when we're on the phone with each other you'd never guess that we had serious marriage issues. He acts like everything is perfect. This makes me resentful. Which one do I believe? The sad sack on the couch who just sits there watching TV while I bust my arse around the house cleaning, cooking, pulling weeds, etc? Or, the normal husband who calls me when I'm traveling to tell me how wonderful I am? I certainly never hear those words face to face anymore. What I do hear is how he wants to get laid and how angry he is that I called a lawyer to find out my rights about our financial situations, etc. Or, how weak our son will grow up to be because I am training him up to be a softy. UGH! One of the things I told him is that our relationship will be difficult to repair until he shows me he can be consistent. Right now, I feel like I live with 2 different people.
And, I'm not sure I trust his not drinking mantra at this point because I do believe he is in the grips of his disease and that it will come back to haunt him again unless he does something for a real recovery. Then, I still feel guilty that I'm not ready for an intimate relationship with him and I start fighting with myself going over the pros and cons and questioning why I am being so difficult. What is it about him or about us that I am not ready to give in and hit the bedroom?
I don't know: I want to believe he can truly change, then I get resentful when I get my hopes up and it doesn't happen, and then I feel like a fool all over again. I had, at one point, told him that I wanted to see 6 months of consistent behavior. At this point, I wonder if even that is enough. Trust is gone, connection is gone, and even though I feel some connection when he's being 'normal' I know that it won't last. And, that makes me sad. I guess I'm just still spinning my wheels here, but I felt I needed to get it out somewhere. Thanks for reading, guys.
My sober abf has good and bad days. he is dry but wow can I see a difference in his mood after an AA meeting. He has put the drink down but that is just the first step.
When I am resentful, angrey sad and go to an al anon meeting my thinking changes from negative to positive, I realsie I can not recover alone. My A also has a change of thought after a meeting or session with his sponsor. Alcoholics havea disease drinking is only one part. When my partner is dry but still spiritually sick I take extra al anon medicine so I do not let the negatrivity rub off on me.
It is so hard we are just as powerless over their ercovery as their drinking all we can do is work on ourselves and hand them over. I found myself a couple of weeks ago getting obsessed with the fact that my parter had stopped his meetings the more I pushed the more he rebelled. Thank God I went to an al anon convention and let go handed him over guess what he is going to meetings again sometimes I think I get in HPs way.
So true, Tracy. I go to 3 meetings a week on good weeks(when I have time) and some weeks I only do 1 and I can totally tell the difference. I have stepped out of God's way and AH claims he's hit his bottom AGAIN, but that's really the problem for me. It's the AGAIN part. It's the proclamation that this time will be different, you'll see. I wait and then I see. And, what I see is someone who isn't embracing real recovery, he's going through his own made up motions and then slips up and hits his next bottom.
I may have stepped off his roller coaster but I hate watching his and wondering when it's going to end. Because, the truth of the matter is: I am still married to him and if his ship goes down, I may go down with him and that is where I need to turn it over to HP big time. It's not even fear, it's resentment over having been put in the position over and over again. The truth will set us free, right? Sigh, I'm just feeling resentful today but I won't be able to get to a meeting until Friday night this week and I'm resentful about that too, LOL.
ilovedogs, my comment may be totally off base so please disregard if so. I just want to mention something that was helpful to me. Because so often I think, "Why does this keep happening to me?? Why I am in this position??" But the thing that brings me back to reality is the saying "My choices, my results." It reminds me that the power is not all on the other side. My ex may be infuriating -- and he was extra infuriating just the other day! -- but when the smoke had stopped coming out my ears I thought, "This situation is the result of choices I made." To some that may feel depressing so disregard if it is depressing. To me it means, "It's not a judgment on me -- I'm not stuck -- this is not imposed from on high -- it is just that I chose A and B came along right after it, as always happens. All I have to do is choose H (or Z, or Y) and not A!" On that day, the other day, I asked my ex to do something and then he screwed it up and it caused me some problems and wait a minute! Of course he screwed it up! It would have been more inconvenient to ask someone else to do it -- but I made the choice to go for convenience, or the illusion of convenience, offered by a guy who screws things up. My choices! And they got the results I should have predicted.
Not that we can erase the effects of our choices from the past, but that we can change things at any time on the road. Take care of yourself!
((((Sis)))) the saying I use is "what you SEE is what you get". I listen more with my eyes than my ears. The greater part of communication is "non" verbal...body language. Trust what you see and then go from there. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Oh this is so familiar...this is what happened in our house for 20 some years. I was a mess and always confused. I kept myself a mess with my perceptions of my husbands inconsistency when actually he was quite consistent with his behaviors. He was consistently manipulating me! When I accepted that I was living with a con I got so pissed off..pissed off that I had wasted so much of my life with a lunatic..a loonie named Paula. Yes, the alcoholic/addict is nuts and so are we. Being nuts felt normal until I wasn't nuts anymore (sometimes that is debatable, though) If your hubbie is white knuckling abstinence, he is not in (and working) his recovery, he is just a relapse in waiting; it isn't a matter of "if" it is a matter of "when". I feel for you..keep the focus on you..I am rooting for you!
...and he manipluated me for sex..he knew how to "behave" to con me into having sex with him. I hated myself for doing something I really did not want to do, but did not know that it was totally normal (and healthy) for me to not want the intimate act of sex with a man who really wanted his substances (and sex was a "fix") and fulfillment more than me. He had a way of turning my reluctance to be intimate into my issue....had nothing to do with him (ha). Oh what a crazy life we had....honor your feelings. I did not have anyone validating my feelings around sex until I got a sponsor. I am validating you....
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful input and responses. Yes, PP, I can relate to the crazy stuff(especially regarding the sex stuff. Sounds so familiar to me. I just didn't recognize it for what it was for years and now my eyes are opened and he's not so happy about that. He really is making changes, I just need to see if they are for real and if they are lasting. I am responding in kind, being nice, being amiable, but at the same time cautious. Since he won't work a real program he is relying on himself and I know that something like this is most likely short term. I mean, we are all capable of faking something for a short period of time, but making it last takes serious commitment and effort.
You know, Jerry, I put off my own non-verbal communication and I'm sure it says: "I don't trust you. I am uncertain of our future. And, I need to take things VERY slowly."
You know, Jerry, I put off my own non-verbal communication and I'm sure it says: "I don't trust you. I am uncertain of our future. And, I need to take things VERY slowly."
This is a truthful, wise and healthy statement....it is your intuition speaking to you. We get all messed up when our head gets in the way. I want to just hug you!
I'm really trying to focus on what someone shows me is who they are, I want soooo badly to believe what I'm told. The reality is if the actions don't match the words then the words don't mean anything, blah blah blah. Been there done that and I am really tired of continuing to get the same results, until I do something different (when I'm ready of course) then nothing is going to change.
Have you considered going to some open AA meetings? I heard something at a meeting the other day that knocked my socks off and it just validated how the intension is not to drink/drug/ fill in the blank the reality is the intension gets over-ridden by the disease. When the disease part takes over there is no clear line between intent and disease. It broke my heart listening to the share of what this person wanted to do and what would actually happen and they struggled all night between the decision of going into rehab or taking a job. Now a rational person would look at those choices and say .. DUH .. rehab of course .. someone who is not rational is going to truly struggle. Even after all that prayer and coming to the decision on their own to go to rehab the pacing and twitchiness of what they were going through it was all I could do not to reach out and just hug them. I don't think any of us are dealing with rational people when it comes to active addiction.
These shares help me if nothing else to remember that the disease is separate from the person, maybe my STBAX would be a jerk working the 12 step program of AA, who knows. At least it helps remind me that he's not ok and that I'm getting ok. It's hard to remember that he will probably get worse as I get better even though we aren't even together anymore. It is the disease and not him and it's about the disease not a personal attack.
My compassion comes from my AA meetings my detachment comes from Alanon.
Hugs my friend, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks Pushka and everyone for sharing. I don't have time in my schedule for AA meetings but I will once my tennis season is over in May. I'm really hoping I get some time in the other rooms because I've heard that before. You guys are awesome!
Much love to you! I have to ask, is your AH dealing with the issues that cause him to drink in the first place? My alcoholic mother might quit drinking tomorrow cold turkey, which would be great, but ultimately she needs to deal with the depression and the anger that caused her to turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism in the first place; and this is usually not something that any single one person can just do on their own. You usually need a licensed therapist or other qualified professional that's outside of your own head to walk through through the processes of dealing with that kind of pain.
If he's sober, but things still aren't "perfect", it's probably because the addiction isn't the cause of a person's problems, it's usually a symptom. I don't believe happy, well-functioning people turn to any sort of drug to help "Cope" with being happy, well functioning individuals. So your hubby probably has some stuff he needs to deal with, and quitting the drinking is a great step; but it's probably removing his coping mechanism and making him face all the stuff he didn't want to face in the first place that makes him anti-social and weird and hurt you in subtle but detectable ways.
You probably don't trust him because instinctively, you know he's not really dealing with the issues, and that he's going to keep going back to drinking because that's how he copes with (insert stuff here.) Getting to that "stuff" and healing it, and wanting to do that, will probably be the best way to show you that he's serious about becoming not just a non-drinker, but a better person in general
) If your hubbie is white knuckling abstinence, he is not in (and working) his recovery, he is just a relapse in waiting; it isn't a matter of "if" it is a matter of "when". I feel for you..keep the focus on you..I am rooting for you!