The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am constantly struggling with finding my boundaries with my best friend, and ensuring that I am not sacrificing myself for him too much. He is a recovering alcoholic, and has been sober for over 6 months. I am so proud of him, and send him all the love in the world. Whenever he has a problem though, or a set back, he shuts down, beats himself up (emotionally) and treats every setback as a personal failure. I am constantly having to remind myself that he still has this disease, and it is still part of him, and that it is influencing his behaviour, and his reactions to life as he calls me in to lift him up.
The problem is I havent learned how to say no to him. Every time I say no (or say decide to say nothing at all) I feel like Im being a bad person, because I have resources and energy I can share with him, and feel like I should. Be it money, time, emotional support, rides to work, food, whatever. I feel like whenever I decide that I have finally determined my boundaries and am going to stick to them, something happens that makes me think my predetermined boundaries are too strict. And when I do say no to him, he makes me feel like I am betraying our friendship. I dont know if he does this intentionally or not, but it frustrates me because I feel like his other guy friends can say no to him, and he accepts it, but not with me. My friends are worried about me, and think that I need him out of my life, but I think that is much too harsh. I need to find a way to strike balance.
He doesnt come across as a very good friend in this post, but he is. He is there for me however he can be, whenever he sees an opening to help. I attribute a lot of these manipulative and immature behaviours and reactions to the alcoholism. And now that he's sober is quickly learning how to function as whole person, but its going to be a life long journey.
I feel guilty going to Alanon meetings now, because hes not drinking anymore, so I feel like I shouldnt go. And I sometimes find it hard to relate because I do not have a high power in the sense that it is often discussed in Alanon. So I thought an online forum may be good.
Does anyone else have a recovering alcoholic in their life that they struggle to find balance with? I love him, and I want to be there for him, but I feel like I am giving too much, but cant seem to figure out how to find the line between being a friend and being a crutch thats being crushed under his weight. He has hit another bump and is now staying with me again for a few days. How do you keep a few days at only a few days instead of a month? How do you tell someone that you love them and in the same breath tell them that you need them to leave because its hurting you? It would crush him. So I feel like I cant talk to him about it right now.
I feel tired, and defeated in a lot of ways. I feel like I've failed myself because I have let him back into my house and hes living in my room with me, and it broke me last time. And yet I want to believe this time is going to be different. That when I say 2 days this time (like last), he will go in 2 days. And I feel guilty for doubting him. And I dont feel like I can talk to my friends about him anymore because they've had to listen to me agonize over him for so long.
I need some love from those who understand. How do you find a balance and not feel guilty for it?
I've been there in the past. I'm in limbo right now. My A/A Husband is in treatment. We haven't lived together in 18 months. He will move in with me when he finishes in 45 days.
Right now he is working on himself. I said I'd work on myself. I really haven't. I went into a deep depression. Fighting my way out of it.
Our Alanon Tools work, we just gotta use them all the time, not some of the time.
I found the book First Aid for Enablers is very helpful: A starter guide to developing healthy boundaries with the addict in your life, First Aid for Enablers will help you understand how easy it is to become part of the support system of addiction that enables addicts to survive while their world is crumbling around them. In addition, you'll learn the life-saving treatments which you will need to build a healthy emotional life, cope with the addict's chaotic behavior and build a network of support that will encourage the addict to get free from the substances that are destroying him...and creating chaos for you.
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Nothing is more fatiguing than the eternal hanging-on of an unfinished task.
I appreciate the support. I suppose if I am having this much trouble than maybe there is a reason for me to go to meetings :)
I will also look into that book right now. It sounds like it hits the nail on the head.
Its easy to fall out of good practices like meditation and journaling when things are going well, but you remember why you started when you hit a rough patch :) Liz
How do you find a balance and not feel guilty for it? --------------------------------------- Oh, I felt guilty all the time. But I knew what I had to do, guilt or not. A better question is, what AlAnon tools help me get past the guilt feelings? You will feel guilt.
Detach and let the pieces fall into place. Let go and Let God do it.
In the wise words of my sponsor, when he was referring to my AW, who was very early in her sobriety... "she needs a sponsor, and that sponsor is NOT you".
Amen to that, and I learned that I really was NOT the right person (not qualified, too emotionally invested, etc) to be her sponsor... From what little you have shared, it would seem like he is trying to utilize you as his sponsor, which is both unhealthy and unfair...
As for Al-Anon, he is still very much a newbie in his recovery, so would suspect that you might be as well? I think Al-Anon continues to do us a world of good, well after our A's have found sobriety for themselves
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You're right, I do not have the tools to be his primary support person. And I shouldn't be.
Part of being a friend is being able to say when you can't do any more.
Its been a bad day....and that sucks because it should be a good day for me (I got into teachers college!), but I've lost my day to worrying about him. And I get angry at myself for not having the mental discipline to separate from it, which just creates a vicious cycle.
He asked to stay the whole month today, and pay rent...and my roommates said no because last time he stayed here he stole pocket change from me and now they dont trust him. And I dont blame them...and then I feel this twinges of resentment both at him and them, and then I reprimand myself for such negative feeling. And I worry about what he's going to do. I dont want him to have to crash on the couch of one of these drug houses in the neighbourhood where he has old friends. But his sobriety is not my responsibility. His sobriety is not my responsibility.
...I am going to go to a meeting tonight.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can Wisdom to know the difference Patience for things that take time Appreciation for all I have Tolerance for those with different struggles.
