The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's hard to allow what's in someone's "Best interest as opposed to their happiest run its course. The story of the alc who comes in drunk passes out on the floor, gets carried to bed tucked in .. is that truly what's in his or her "Best interest ? the best isn't always the happiest or most comfortable .. but out of the feely and into the wise, which will be more effective in the long run .. when choosing a course of action, choosing one that will have an effect in the long run is sometimes the better although it sure isn't the easiest ..
detachment with love ? love, not feely love but active love and sometimes for Me as opposed to them ? As a mother, I love my children. I know the hurts, etc .. the A is just as powerless to change him/herself as we are, but sometimes knowing i was loving yet distant helps me .. If i want to spend time, I can .. If I want to take my son/daughter to lunch .. a drive .. one on one time .. i can .. yet when it comes to allowing son/daughter to enter my home and effect not only me yet others ? I don't need to. Does that feel good ? sometimes not sometimes maybe .. When I take the next right action regardless of how i feel, it will probably feel better than if I don't ..
Nothing needs to be black and white .. that is the thinking of the disease .. I can still be kind and get my needs met for me even if my needs in the moment are to express my love for the A .. I'm glad you came to the boards .. I would never give advice because what's right for me may not be right for others .. I know how hard it is to look at the A and have to say I am not comfortable with your using in my home .. I know the flipside of when they don't like my words because I've experienced.. I couldn't know had I of not gone through it .. it's ok to show love, while not feeding the disease .. Good luck in this .. remember to think of you too .. we can't fix anyone but us .. and everytime we share, we let go a little more .. it's a process, not an "event .. take care . much serenity your way ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:02:59 PM
My son, 19, who is showing signs of progressing in his quest to not feel what he feels or think what he thinks about himself. He is currently homeless, he has a court case coming up in the next couple of weeks, there is a real chance he will go to prison for failing twice to comply with probation, so he is in major dont care, poor me, self sabottage mode. He is covered in scratches and bruises, losing weight and is in full drama mode. This is not the first time, so these are the facts.
Ive been in recovery for around 1 year and right now I am struggling to connect with my program. My stomach has been in knots for the last week and I am tip toeing around my life right now. I cant sleep and I am on high alert waiting for trouble to come knocking and my life to finally slip down the drain. I am worried my son is going to die, he seems hell bent on punishing himself and his family with his drug and drink taking and dramatic days and nights. I am worried that he will come here while high or drunk and I wont have the strength to refuse his access then someone gets hurt. I am worried he will cause trouble and I will be evicted from my flat, im terrified of this happening. My neighbours are elderly and have already complained. I am heart broken that he will go to prison as he is still my baby and I never wanted this for him. Then, I have horrible guilt because I should have left my ex before all this damage was done. Im right back to the same old feelings. We have a new person at our meetings and she seems to like me and wants to meet up and right now i am no wiser or forward than she is. Im feeling a little overwhelmed and obsessed with this situation. Thanks for listening.
elcee....sorry it's progressing to this. He sounds pretty volatile. I'm wondering if a bipolar diagnosis might be part of it also. The bragging about it and the drama seem to point to more than just an angry self sabotaging alcoholic/addict. To be acting that out of control at 19....it reminds me of my little cousin who is an alcoholic/addict, but the bigger problem is he's bipolar and doesn't/wont take meds for it. So manic phases look like what you are describing.
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm also going through problems but I know this is not the time for me to back down and take care of my son's problems. If I did I'm sure it will only continue. He also is cut up from his accident on the bike and it makes my heart ache to see him hurting himself again and again. I think back when he was in jail that he didn't get more time...maybe it would have help him more.
I used to have quilt too but I have come to grips with it and don't feel the quilt anymore. I talked to my son about it and he thinks I should have no quilt....it wasn't me that made him drink. Have you ever talk to your son about your guilt?
You and your son will be in my prayers. Please continue to talk to you HP for guidance....one day at a time.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am so sorry this is happening to you and I know exactly what you are going through. There was a very long period of time that I felt gulity about my daughters drug and alcohol abuse, but with the help of AlAnon, I was taught the three C's and finally came to believe it. Your heart is breaking as this is such a waste of a life, but it's not your life to live. Hope you can reach out to others at meetings, sponsor, etc. That new person at your meeting may be just the touchstone you need. You and your son are in my prayers.
I will keep you both in my prayers, so sorry. The heartache and fear sometimes seems unbearable watching a child of ours suffer. Your feelings are so normal..when I have feelings such as yours, I am relapsing, so I need to up my recovery work. Take good care of you.
feelings don't always mean relapse (in my experience only) .. sometimes feelings are just seeing what's there .. situations around us are bound to bring certain feelings with them .. example: suicide .. grief .. alcoholism: anxiety of what will happen next, etc .. some of the feelings are just coming from what's around me; they aren't always mine .. it's when i take them on and make them mine .. and feeling these feelings either way is ok .. it's stepping out of our own denial and just seeing what's there ..
one thing i've learned is never to judge feelings as good, bad, right, wrong, they are not facts; they are just what they are .. one of the good things is that i've realised many of my own fears have never and some never will come to pass because .. they are feelings .. they aren't facts .. good luck in this .. much serenity your way and everyone's way ~
Thanks so much for all your ESH. It really helps to come here and share. Pinkchip, i havent really thought of bipolar before. Ive been fixed in the belief that he has been brought up with his alcoholic father and me, who has been badly affected and so I feel that he is copying his major role model in a way. Genetics may also play a part but I believe my constant enabling has been a major factor. I will read up on bipolar, not sure if he will listen to anything I say though. Cathy, you are doing so well, I know you get where I am right now and you are right that stepping in and rescuing is not the answer because it keeps the cycle going and stops them from feeling the full effect of their behaviour. My son came to the house today, sober, so I let him in and hes fallen asleep. Your words have been ringing in my ear that if I had not let him in he may have reached a level of realisation but no, I have given him peace to recover from this bender. Its so true that if nothing changes then nothing changes. I feel a sense of relief that he is here, safe, fed but he cant stay here. I cant go back on that. I dont feel that I have done the right thing. My or his hp stepped in yesterday because he was in a state not sure what he was on, definately alcohol but he was picked up by the police who kept him until he sobered up. I wish I knew this because I would have slept better knowing he was ok. He was not happy. Leenie, thank you for reminding me that he has choices and this is his life to do with as he wishes, I forget that and can easily slip into I know best, arrogant mode. Metwo2, 'but out of the feely and into the wise' yes that is what truly needs to happen but this is the part i am rubbish at because my fear builds and builds. Such great words here. I know all this but i forgot somewhere along this path. I let fear be my guide. I need to listen to and trust my hp. Really listen. PP thank you, I have been feeling like I have relapsed in a way but also in another way I know i have this program and even though my fears have been my driving force lately I can get back what I have learned. I have also been trying to feel what my son is going through, so painful. I will work on this. I went to a museum yesterday and there was a section on alcohol and its effects. I thought I was going to view global habitats, you know palm trees, cactus and so on but at the back there was old posters and advertisement campaigns about the effects of alcohol, like a history of alcohol. I thought my hp is right here talking to me, telling me this is an age old problem that many many people before me have endured there are no easy answers.
'but out of the feely and into the wise' yes that is what truly needs to happen but this is the part i am rubbish at
you r already wise for coming here .. i find when i turn to those with wisdom in alanon, i grow in wisdom myself .. hope your Easter goes well .. Much serenity to you ~ !!
