The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am posting tonight because my boyfriend has decided that he wants to look into a thirty day facility like passages. Or something cheaper obviously. He is going to call his mom tonight and tell her, and ask about insurance or what he should do. I am literally riddled with anxiety and fear??? Why would I feel this way when I have been hoping and praying for this to happen since I realized he had a problem? Is this co-dependancy? I have not read about it, and I know that unhealthy behaviors are normal in alcoholic relationships. I have dealt with that through al-anon. Now though, there is a new wave of feeling that I did not expect. The fear of him telling family and friends, and them hating me. Thinking its all my fault and being disappointed that he has this "idea" he is sick because of me. I'm freaking out and I don't want his mom to hate me, or be extremely sad. :( I'm so scared.
He is going with our couples therapist to look at facilities next week, and I am scared about how I will feel not seeing him for 30 days, and he is scared too. I feel like I am the one on drugs, and someone is making me go. I have that kind of fright. Like I am losing a limb.
wow. chest tightness tonight. any help or advice , PLEASE.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
And I also think that 99% of us had anxiety, in one form or another, as our A's took steps towards their recovery... It is change, and even though it looks like it could well be positive change, it is still - well - different.
Be gentle on yourself, and wherever possible, keep your focus on YOU and your recovery.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I ditto what Dave said, and I think you don't need to worry about labelling yourself with anything right now. Just remember that just as alcohol or drugs can be addictive, so can unhealthy relationships. Some get addicted to the rescuing, the fixing, the saving, the excitement, the drama, the anxiety, the alcoholic/addict. In short, your life is about to change, you will be stepping into a new arena and yes, it can be scary. Change, good or bad, is still change, and it is never the change that creates the pain in our lives, but rather the resistance to it that creates it. Just go with the flow, get yourself into as many Al-Anon meetings as you can while he is in treatment and if nothing else, you will both have the commonality of the 12 steps, and spiritual principles to hold in common, and that could take you to the greatest place of love you have ever experienced.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Hi Giraffe, I have felt very similar feelings and it has helped me to realise that, after coping as best I could with difficult circumstances, my life is changing. And while the changes of the past ten years have been gradual and incremental the changes as my AH and I learn to live life in a new way are happening much faster. Change can be stressful, even when it is good. I think that I'm trying not to invest to much in some good things that are happening in my life because I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. And that kind of thinking stops me from enjoying the good things as well. I have started to accept that I need to take it slower and to celebrate my anxious feelings as signs of my own addictions showing themselves. I hope it means that I am being more honest about ALL of my feelings. The feelings that the rest of the people in my life might judge me are probably projections of my own self judgement. Why would I do that to myself? I've come to realise that I did my best. I wasn't always right but this life did not come with a manual so its not surprising that I made some mistakes. The best that I can do now is keep learning how to have patience, forgive and love. Meditation has helped me a lot.
It's normal to feel like a sideliner when an A gets recovery .. some of the needs we think they can get from us are suddenly met by others .. they meet new people, share common bonds, open up to others, etc .. it would be good if you could get to alanon while he gets to treatment .. there you would have much more support .. keep sharing .. hoping for a good recovery for you both .. for what it's worth .. our minds get so used to being busy on them when they go our minds don't have to work as hard .. at least that's been my own experience ..
Thanks guys. John, you are right that the resistance to the change creates more pain than the change itself. The fear is the crippling part. Funny enough, I was so afraid of how his family would take his news of wanting to go to rehab. We somehow ended up between all of us having a very long and nice conversation that brought him to tears feeling very loved, and scared at the same time and expressing his happiness at having had that moment to share with his parents and me. It was touching.
I told them I was scared too and I didn't know why, and his dad told me, .."well its because it is change, and change is good."
Being without him for 30 days or 60 days, and not having any part of him to focus on IS scary for me. Wow. And I would miss him terribly. He is afraid to be away from me as well. Somehow, that conversation broke down a barrier of resentment I carried toward him for all the lying, and jerking me around while he has been in the grips of this disease. And I am able to see his fear and pain in this and not see him as a monster who is trying to attack me anymore. I just want to be respectful and supportive when he needs it and be strong for myself and enjoy life again. I also Milkwood have been protecting myself, and I needed to read that b/c I am not enjoying the good stuff about us, or totally "relaxing in life." He IS trying and not trusting causes it to be so hateful and tense all the time. I need to let go and let god, and not let that mean that I can't love him, or be kind, or be affectionate in the process. :)
I like that we are both going to work the 12 steps. I don't know in rehab if they use those, but it is nice to have that in common with him.
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Why would I feel this way when I have been hoping and praying for this to happen since I realized he had a problem? Is this co-dependancy? I have not read about it, and I know that unhealthy behaviors are normal in alcoholic relationships. I have dealt with that through al-anon. Now though, there is a new wave of feeling that I did not expect. The fear of him telling family and friends, and them hating me. Thinking its all my fault and being disappointed that he has this "idea" he is sick because of me. I'm freaking out and I don't want his mom to hate me, or be extremely sad. :( I'm so scared.