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I'm new here and I'm a mess right now so please bare with me.
Has anyone here have the A go dark on you? Totally ignore you? Cut contact with you out of nowhere? and literally disappear? Let you in complet dispair not knowing what happened or why they did it? The A in my life has done this several times and only now I found out he is an A. How do you cope? I'm a total mess and don't know how to get a hold of myself.
-- Edited by seekinganswers on Friday 29th of March 2013 08:27:35 PM
My stbxah did this once when we were dating. Just out of no where cut of all contact. He came back about 3 months later begging me to take him back. He had no real explanation for why it happened just promises that it would never happen again. I don't know why I took him back and now it's a decision that I deeply regret. I could come up with a lot of theories on why he felt the need to disappear but the bottom line is they are very sick and selfish people. I know how it is to sit around going out of your mind worrying if something happened to them or if I did something wrong. He wasn't worth two seconds of worry. The only thing I wonder about now is why I allowed someone to treat me that way.
Hugs, I think everyone has had that moment where their loved one goes off radar. Are you attending alanon meeting? It makes a difference. It took a tremendous amount of people around me to get me through what I couldn't control. I can't control the A. I had a hard enough time controlling me. Keep coming back, I know right now it seems like nothing will ever get better. It really does. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
this happened to me about a year ago....and guess what: he wasn't even an A. he did what he did, gone...out of the blue....took me long time to try and figure out....until there was not other option but letting go. Today I know that person has no respect for me, and if she has a little, well she has low responsibility. he got back to me once, with an attitude that nothing happened....like 'why are you all upset about, nothing happened'.....well he didn't acknowledge his action, treatment...of course didn't say sorry, nor anything else that would have shown there was a little bit of a human response. anyhow, that is that person, and that he her behavior. I am Me and I know today I want and deserve better treatment...and if that person can't give it to me, or worse, does something to even put me down, well it's my responsibility to take action. I walked away in this case..... If you have the feeling it is wrong, well it is wrong ...for your life. that may not be wrong for others, because they have other attitudes and experiences in life, but if your gut is screaming 'OUCH!' , the best and quickest way out of disappointment and pain, is taking action and find the right distance between you and the situation.
What does friendship or relationship mean for you? Define and you will find your answers. Be good to yourself...and others will follow. in support (((seekinganswers)))
Disappearing... oh gawh, I am going to be so forthcoming because this word and its implications in my own life still sting today after 23 years of personal sobreity and 15 years of Al-Anon. See, my daughter, was only 4 years old when she looked at me and asked.. "Daddy, are you a ghost?" I asked her why she would even think that, and she replied, "because you disappear and come back, and then disappear and come back again... kinda like Casper!" I wasn't a ghost, I was a drunk and a drug addict.
Alcohol rarely had me do any long disappearing acts... as a drunk I was the guy who called everyone he knew, at 2-4am to either tell them how much I loved them or what kind of A** hole they were, some people got both calls within minutes of each other. Then I would be home the next day or two, feeling so shameful, so terrible, that if anyone tried to tell me about what I did, and how it hurt them, I would have to shut down on them, even come up with some insane excuse or explaination that only another insane person would swallow. However, when drugs came into the picture, (ie:crack and opiates) my shame and guilt was so overwhelming that the only thing that seemed to give me a moment of peace from the internal torment was more dope, and I would not communicate with anyone I loved, or who loved me. Sometimes that meant a disappearing act that lasted a week or two. And usually when I came up for air, it wasn't because I was done, it was because I was broke and couldn't afford to keep going, or I was sitting in a jail cell or hospital. So that run was over. And I would swear to myself, to those that loved me and to the God I didn't understand that "never again would I do that". Kinda like the alcoholic that swears they will never drive drunk again. I would swear not to do anything, but to stop drinking or using was not even in the equation. I meant I would not trust that person with my money to score again, or I would not use my money to get someone else drunk or high, when they left me hanging high and dry when i didn't have anything left myself. I wouldn't drink in "that crappy bar again, EVER!!!" Some how, my brain created loop holes around me facing the real problem for many years. My problem was... I suffered from the disease of alcoholism and addiction, that was untreated, and when ever I stopped for any length of time, I rapidly turned into ME and I couldn't stand it, so another run was in the making. I was trying to out run my shame and guilt, fear and anxiety, using a bottle, a pipe or a point as the baton in a race I would never be able to win.
It was during one of these runs that my wife left me. When I say left, I mean left... she took everything, including the toilet paper and light bulbs, the kids, the dog and anything else that reflected any one actually lived on the property. I woke up on the living room floor the next morning, cuz there wasn't anything else to lay on, and reality finally started to set in...
I picked up a warm beer, that was half empty and left on the kitchen counter, started drinking it, went outside and sat on the curb... with tears running down my face, begging God to help me stop drinking and drugging, knowing I didn't really want to any more... as I took another drink. I couldn't stop even with all the will power I could muster. In total despair I reached out to someone and they reached back. I couldn't do it for the wife any more, she was gone, I couldn't do it for the home and job any more they were gone, I couldn't even do it for the kids any more they were gone,.. I only had one reason left to do it for... I didn't want to die alone and as a drunk/addict. I actually started the process of recovery on that day. I finally surrendered and stopped disappearing. I stopped being a ghost in my own life.
My daughter was 11 years old when she drown in a swimming pool, and I was 8 years sober and clean. And I pray to this very day that she knows I wasn't a ghost, but a man that suffered from a diasease that I was truly powerless over. On my own, as a active alcoholic/addict I am unable to remember the pain, and misery of a few days ago, a week ago, a month ago or even a year ago. But with these 12 step programs, great sponsorship, and a God that absolutely loves me, and my seeing the horrid results of what it is doing to others every day in this world, especally close up and personal with those I love and care greatly for, I am reminded that it would only take one drink or one drunk for me to turn into that ghost my daughter once spoke so truly of. "Out of the mouth of babes comes the truth".
I am so grateful, so honored and so humbled that I'm not a ghost in any ones world any more... tears of gratitude roll down my cheek as I write this.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I am imagine many if not most of us here have had this happen. The disease is so strong that it makes them behave as if they've lost their senses. They don't have any willingness or sanity to look at what their behavior is doing to other people.
My ex-AH did this several times. It was part of his general craziness. My own craziness was that I didn't write him off the first time. His leaving set off a craving in me to get him back. I had an illusion that I could make him see what pain he put me through, and he would understand and make it up to me. The craving to make this happen was enormous. That was my craziness. It would have been so much less painful for me if I had just detached and let him go the first time. But my own addiction and sickness was at work. Awful, awful times.
I haven't seen my AB/CH in two months and it's been three weeks since I last heard from him. He and his caseworker called me from a hospital psych ward. I told him I'd be up to see him the following evening and when I got there he'd been discharged. It's an hour subway trip there and another hour back. I don't know where he is, who he's with or what he's doing. I imagine he's at home, his itinerary has been he only goes out for alcohol, dugs and cigarettes. He missed Valentine's Day, my birhtday, his birthday and tomorrow Easter. I sent him a birthday card with just my name in it, but what I wanted to send was a heartfelt letter. He's in a dark abyss I know and IF he'd read a letter I would have sent he never would have remembered it or cared. It's scary as hell not to know where the people you love are, how they are etc. and it's taken me a loooong time to realize I have to let him be. He often disconnects from me and it has gotten worse over the past year. He obviously has no regard for me or my feelings. I could go to his place and then what? He'd be happy to see me for a minute then complain how life is unfair, he wants to die, he wants to go "home", ask me to get him help then be angry at me for not bringing him food or money. My heart is broken, but I what hurts more is missing/loving the man I used to know so I leave him alone. I don't like it, but I also don't like being miserable along with him. I have done every possible thing to help him, not enable, but he's not interested. I think about him all the time and still worry, but I go about every day and live MY life. I pray daily and doing my best to let go and let God. Connect to your HP and know you are not alone. It's time to heal for yourself and your life.
Bless your heart! I know exactly how you feel! I have been with my AB for over 8 years and it has been a rollercoaster. He has moved stuff out and moved out with friends and back and forth and over and over again. It really takes a toll on your self esteem. I finally came to the realization that it's not me it is him. Don't think that it's your fault bc it's not. Alcoholism is such a strong addiction that I have doubted his love for me but he told me that he has always loved me. I hope this helps!! Thankfully he is recovering now but it took jail and I worry and get insecure that he will relapse. My self esteem bottomed out a few weeks ago bc he doesn't show me affection like I'd like. I keep asking him why and he can't explain it. I found a topic on here exactly what I'm going through and that other's are experiencing the nonaffection. I can't remember what the topic is called but if that happens it is a process of a recovering alcoholic. Evidently, a part of their brain is shut off. My boyfriend has also had erectile dsyfunction for awhile. It's really hard on the person dealing with the alcoholic person. I'm going to seek counseling to help me understand. I'm so thankful I found this group bc it has already helped. God Bless You!! I hope it gets better!!
God Bless Your Heart! So thankful that you found God and have been delivered! I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's drowning! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences!
