The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I noticed that my trust got hurt the most in my history with the A.
trust in myself and my 'judgments' of situations and people, and trust in others not to hurt me. it has a lot to do with my expectations. I somewhat expected heathy nehavior from unhealthy people, including myself. Well, than life opened my eyes, and then I noticed, it is not all too bad to have expectations...but there is a difference in the word when a co-dependent says it. Expecting to be able to love and be loved in return, to trust and be trusted in return: fine. I guess that's the basis of a good relationship. expecting to be taken care of, or expecting that others should do what I think is right for them, and expecting to be thanked for and expecting an unhealthy person to come up with healthy response: NOT fine. So i put myself in trouble, I didn't love myself , and probably didn't know how to love the A. all ended up in a big chaotic mesh.
So what I tried to do after I walked away from the A over 1 1/2 months ago, was trying to unmesh the chaos. Well, I thought I could, because I thought that would clear my vision. it didn't work....of course. There are lies that have been told and lived, that I will never resolve, nor never know the truth probably. so this let me feel quite resentful and frustrated for some time I admit. Because I though I DESERVE the truth. well and I do. But there is no way I can force it if it depends on other people to come out. So I was in a way FORCED to let go... because I don't want to end up as a frustrated bitter person. I had to use some sarcasm at first...a lot, until it got too much and I got tired to listen to myself.
Now it feels a lot more calm, it feels like the peace AFTER the storm. i got just too exhausted to wine, complain, suffer. i told myself, 'what am I missing in life' 'how do I feel right now?' and an honest answer is, i am not missing much. I am thankful for my body, spitit and mind... I am happy to be able to take care of me, I breathe, I laugh, I eat and I surround myself with inspiring people. I cannot change what has been done, and I learn to let go.
and I learn not to force that much into things, people and situations. I trust HP, for the first time fully, which makes my life so much more simple. And HP has been calm and kind and loving this month. I learn to trust in simplicity. it felt awkward at first, so unusual...and I noticed my old ways of manipulating. Well now, everytime I notice this, I stop and breathe...and hand it over to HP. Things unfold as they should, and not otherwise.
I practice simplicity....it's a new feeling, unusual, but very calming and bringing a whole lot of new found peace to my life. and suddenly it feels more sure to trust myself again.
wOW!! JUST WOW!! TORTUGA...marvelous changes...great spiritual growth. Thanks for bringing it back for us to see again that the program works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Good work! Keep trusting your HP loves you. Your HP wants you to love yourself and grow in healthy ways. If and when you decide to have another relationship, your boundaries will be firmer because you won't be looking for them to meet unhealthy needs since your recovery has healed up those parts of you. You will walk away faster if necessary...recognize red flags and respond quicker. You will never be the same person you were in that relationship. It's all about growth and you are already much closer to what your HP wants you to be. It will all come about if you just keep working for it.
In gratitude to you Tortuga, your words are a beautiful reminder of what is possible and what it is to feel right. An hour ago my AH brought himself some wine, after several weeks sober. I came to MIPs with tears in my eyes and I found your beautiful post. You've touched my life Tortuga in a very beautiful way. Thank you for your inspirational share.
Glad to see that you are being healed by HP. It really is amazing that when you give your will over to HP how simple life can be. I always resisted and was afraid to do this because it would mean that I was out of control. Now I see that I never had control to begin with. It was just an illusion. Real peace can only come from trusting HP. Thanks for sharing!!
