I decided to talk to my boss about taking a few mental health days this week. She is somewhat familiar with what's going on but doesn't know all the gory details. She said she thought it would be a good idea and gave it her blessing. I have a feeling she's been through it too because she uses Al-Anon "language" a lot when we talk. I'm very thankful - don't have to go back to work until next Monday.

Woke up early but went back to bed mid-morning and had a nice nap. Had a dream about a long-ago ex-boyfriend who I haven't seen in years. In the dream he was getting married, I was divorced from my STBXAH, but I was in a location where my ex-boyfriend was, as well as all our friends and colleagues (we wound up working in the same place after we both graduated from college with a degree in the same profession). It was comforting in a really strange way - I loved that job and felt happy and protected there. Although XBF and I hadn't stayed close, our post-relationship relationship has always been amicable. I was the first person he called when his mom died, and also when he found out he had cancer. He's doing great now, from what I understand, but don't know if he ever got married.

Didn't want to waste this time off from work that I got, so after I woke up, I went to our spare room, starting to split stuff up. I found all kinds of sappy sentimental cards we had sent to each other over the years. In those cards, we had promised lifelong devotion to each other.

I found a bunch of his baby pictures his mom had sent to us a while back. I looked at those photos of my STBXAH when he was a sweet baby, not yet marred by the abuse he suffered as a child; before alcohol became his drug of choice. Oh Lord - he was such a beautiful baby; so innocent and pure. Who would think, looking at those photos, that this is where he'd wind up?

I'm so angry that he was so abused as a child - and that his mom didn't protect him. Now, in her own "wise" alcoholic way, she is enabling him; giving him money while I'm still trying to figure out how to pay the mortgage and his share of the health insurance (I can't remove him from the policy until open enrollment in May). She has so much guilt from not protecting him when he was younger and is now trying to make up for it in the most unhealthiest of ways. I could just kill them both.

I know that getting our stuff divided up is really important - the sooner I can get it out of the house, the better. But today it's just too much to take. I've been waiting for two months for him to follow through on the divorce...I even put together the papers and gave them to him, for Pete's sake! But now I'm waiting for some information from his laywer via my my AH. I'm angry because I'm doing what I can to get away and he's just dragging his butt getting it done. He's the one that wants to move on with his mistress - why doesn't he EVER follow through?

I have never been a patient person and now it's just getting more and more difficult to wait because I have surrendered and am trying to move on. I ask my HP - why the hold up? I know HP knows but I guess I'm not supposed to be privvy to it yet. I think I'm going to swallow my pride, talk to my mom and my best friend and see if they can come help me with this - it's too much to do alone.

Thanks for letting me vent.