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hears the back story... Hubby has big pain med problem for three years. Lots of ups and downs, withdrawls hand holding... drained me. i finnally thought it was over he said he had 30 days. That was the longest ever before. But about a week ago I had to call 911 and get him to hospital fo rmeth phychosis. I had no idea. I have never been around drugs before our marriage. Looking back I can see signs - blankets up on windows no sleep, lots of porn. zero conection and lots of confusion and hurt on my part. Finding out about this new drug choice floored me. He has been slowly drinking more and more for the last year. He was a maintanence drinker before we met and had a serious alcohol problem. He was clean and sober and doing well.
Anyway, I am so paranoid about him doing meth again. that was a hard line I drew I would never let my kids be around it. I just feel like I have to be true to it and me. I brought him home from the hospital and we have been working things out or the past week and a half. But I keep thinking he's using. His ex wife asked me if he was the other day. She is the only other person who knows. I had been trying not to snoop. But I did last night. I found a bunch of broken light bulbs, an empty pill bottle, lots of butane for lighters, guts from pens, and a few bags of paraphinilia garbage we threw out together around the garage where we have a home business. Instead of his "nest" in our closet I made him get rid off he is setting up a little room off the garage with a TV/DVD player porn, sex related stuff, and that is where I found the bulbs and stuff. I can't say for sure they aren't old. He is also still talking to his user friend and trying to get me ok with it, that is who supplied him.
I just think I need some bounderies and I feel like I need space away from it for me. I can't watch him do this and I don't think I can live with the guilt of letting him be this way around our kids. I am super bad at boundries, i always get talked into thinking about everybody else and there needs. ie- he has no where to go, his year old son lives with us full time and needs stability ect. I just don't want to be around a meth addiction. I have burned out.
I was thinking having him stay somewhere else. If he goes to AA or NA everyday and starts some kind of drug counsiling, and gets some clean time then we will talk about him comming back. BUT we have a business from home and customers that drop off stuff and all his tools are here. Plus his son needs a safe stabil home and this is the only one he has. Is it wrong or impractical to ask him to go. How do I draw this boundery???
Help me figure out what is reasonable and how to stick to it....
Dear Rinn-Your post looks very familiar...did you post one recently that was very similar? I can be very direct, so I in no way mean this to be offensive; just trying to figure out if you were the one that received some awesome guidance with the post I am referring to and wondering if any of the previous suggestions were helpful? Were you able to get to any meetings for support? If so, what was your experience?
I have been going to online meeting at night for the past week and a half. I have attended some face to face in the past but I just can't right now for schedule/sitter reasons. I have posted a few times and done a lot of soul searching recently.
I hear you and believe that I understand your delima. You know deep within what your bottom line is.
You feel that you cannot go through this Meth. addiction again and that you will not tolerate it around your children. That sounds healthy and positive.
Your problem is how to ask him to leave and live else where when you think that he has no where else to go.
Just think about it for a moment. There are Shelters, the Salvation Army, Sober houses and many resources available to someone who wants to recover. He can check with AA or any one of the groups I mentioned. or his friends that he is connecting with. He can find a place. You need to understand this deep within. It is not your job to sacrifice your home and the safety of your children for him. You need to provide a stable environment for your children as well as his small child. If DCS comes on the scene then you might lose these precious gifts.
Please pray about this and continue attending online meetings The answer will come..
No I am not afraid for my safety or safety of my kids. He isn't violent or mean in anyway. Even if he is high he is suprisingly reasonable he mostly just gets paranoid about people sneaking around ourside or about his health. He does do a good job staying away from everybody if he is on anything.
I talked to him today and told him what I foudn and I feel alot more relief. He said he isn't still using the stuff I found was old. We cleaned out his garage and stuff and I tossed it this time. We agreed to give it two weeks and see if I feel any better or different. In the mean time he is going to AA every morning and agreed to stop drinking too. He is going to call around this evening about counsiling. Plus sleep on the couch for a while.
So I feel a bit better less like I am going to break down and cry. I am glad I talked and told him how I feel. I did tell him if there are any more broken light bulbs laying around then I can't have him here. He understood. He clearly got that I was ready to have him leave, and wasn't angry about it.
PLEASE DO CONTINUE TO ATTEND THE ON LINE MEETINGS AND IF POSSIBLE TRY TO FIND A FEW FACE TO FACE MEETINGS AS WELL. BREAKING TH E ISOLATION IS SO VERY IMPORTANT TO YOUR RECOVERY.
KEEP COMING BACK HERE AS WELL--- YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Dear Rinn, Good for you that you have some boundaries in place and he knows what they are. Continue to reach for support so you don't waver; your strength will be tested.
Rinn, you just did a better job with your boundaries than lots of folks do after years in alanon. You did excellently in drawing boundaries....the next step is the hardest though and that is sticking to them. That will be aided by ongoing alanon participation and guidance from your HP. Supporting you...
the sticking too them part is hard... lol Thanks for you comments. Sometimes just a little feedback like that really makes it feel not so over whelming.
My AH has an alcohol and drug addiction. He checked himself out of inpatient rehab and has been regularly attending outpatient but refuses to go to AA meetings. I told him before he moved back home with us that if he drank, used, or started confrontations he had to leave. He agreed, not that I needed him to, but he did. The other day I caught him using again in one room away from the kids. I immediately told him to get out. He tried to bargain with me. I said that he could either leave on his own or I would call the mobile crisis unit to come get him. He got up and left. I didn't worry about where he went, I was just glad he was gone. He is coming home again today and I will keep the same boundaries. In no way do we or our children have to be exposed to their disease. If he had a terrible contagious disease I certainly wouldn't expose myself or my kids to it...this is just the same to me. Good luck. Be strong.
