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I've been so worried and anxious about this court date that AH and I have on March 27. He keeps referring to it as "me vs him" and today I reminded him that it is not me vs him, it is the State vs him. I received my subpoena the other day, which clearly states this. He still thinks he will waltz in front of the judge with no attorney, after turning down a plea at the pre-trial hearing, and just tell his story and beat the whole thing. He informed me the other day that he knew how he would cross-examine me. Craziness. As if the judge or prosecuter will just tolerate this kind of disrespect in the courtroom...
Anyway, he looks at the calendar on the fridge today and says, is the 27th next week? I calmly say yes, and he says, "hmmm, I thought the 27th was Thursday, not Wednesday". OMG!!! I've been freaking out about this date for 2 weeks now, and today he is just figuring out when it is coming??
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He is clearly in no state of mind to be in front of a judge. He hasn't had a drink in 12 days, but he is highly medicated, and his brain just doesn't work right. Praying that his HP is leading him along the path he needs to be on. I'm thinking about calling the court advocate and letting him know my concerns. And then I think, just let this play out, and he will have to face the consequences.
The best thing you can do is stay calm and just state the facts when you go to court. My husband skipped court so I haven't had to testify yet but that is my plan to get through it. If he cross examines you he will just make himself look crazy. My husband also has refused to take responsibilty for his actions and continues to say that this is just me trying to get revenge. As if the police officers aren't experienced enough to know when it is appropriate to arrest a person and the prosecuter isn't intelligent enough to see if there is a basis for the charges. In a way we should be flattered that our husbands think we are intelligent and persuasive enough to take what they see as a crazy plot we made up in our heads to hurt them all the way to have the state press charges on them. If only I had that kind of power.
That sounds rough Paris - Most of it sounds out of your hands so stressing and worrying wont accomplish much. You are not his "treatment counselor" "treatment coordinator" "Life coach" or any of that. If he is overly medicated and appears crazy - that will be apparent and they may court mandate ongoing psychiatric treatment and AA. If he's in need of jail time due to his out of control behaviors, then that will be what occurs. Your HP and his HP have this one. Even a result you might consider "bad" might be the one he needs so just keep trying to toss it up to your HP.
Managing anxiety has been one of the largest areas of focus in my program. I was actually diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at one time and I freaked out about everything. I rely firmly on 12 step principles about letting go and letting god, the 3rd step, and also many slogans/saying that deal with anxiety. Some of these include "Worry is a wast of imagination" "95 percent of the stuff you worry about doesn't ever happen." "If you have 1 foot rooted in the past and another one in the future, you have nothing left with which to stand on in the present" "live in the moment" "easy does it" "Keep it simple."
These beliefs have necessarily become my mottos for living because I hit bottom and couldn't function in all that fear and anxiety any more. Truly surrendering to what the 12 steps offers and then changing my thinking has been a better "fix" than any anxiety treatment or med there ever was.
Court circuses...been there and done that. In regard to the exalcoholic/addict wife I let the lawyer know that alcoholism was going to be involved in the court. Also the alcoholic isn't a trained lawyer ro the only lawyer (he considers himself) in the court. You get to respond to the prosecuting attorney and the judge too and for me what helped me sooo much was the program encouraging me to be still, be calm and loving and tell only the truth as it was without using reaction and self defense. It is often said that a person (alcoholic included) presenting their own case in court is a defendant with a fool for a lawyer. Sadly that might be it. For me what worked was not winning...it was swapping love for fear and when I did that the calmness was unbelievable. Let go and Let God. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for your advice. Staying calm is the path I will take. My bigger fear is that someday soon I will be referring to this man I love as my STBXAH, rather than AH. So many MIP and Al-anon friends are "ex's" it scares me....But that is not for today, so I will pray and turn it over to HP.
Something I wanted to point out is yes, .. you are right there are many divorces/separations that do happen because the rift in addiction has become so great and there is a need for some space to work things out. I wish some of the people who used to post would come back and share their experiences who have chosen to stay and it was positive for them. I can think of a few people that used to post who have had successful relationships with their A's. The ending of any dysfunctional relationship is going to happen when trust is violated, and communication is eroded over time.
A short break doesn't mean a lifetime break. I'm not going to advocate staying or leaving because everyone needs to come to their own personal answer to that question. No one knows the outcome of any given situation it's something that will take time.
For me being in a relationship where the other party clearly did not want to participate and what I really want from a partnership/relationship our wants and needs are way to great at this point. I had to stop allowing my fear to override what was healthy for myself and my kids. He needs to sort things out in his own way. It's the collateral damage for me that became to great of a price to pay to just continue in something that was limping along.
When I have stopped being afraid and gotten out of the way of my own recovery that's where my STBAX has to make his own decisions and live his own consequences. I'm not his HP and I can't save anyone from themselves no matter how much I want to, it's just not going to work that way.
I hope you will put yourself into your own program of recovery and allow your AH to deal with his own natural consequences of his own situation. Until I stopped meddling (not saying you are .. I know I was .. lol) .. it's really when he started having to face that things aren't going the way he thinks they should.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
