The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hear you and can so identify Being powerless over his disease does not mean we are helpless. Having lived with this disease we too need a program of recovery. Alanon is that program. I urge you to check out the local face to face meetings in your community AND ATTEND. The hot line number is listed in your telephone directory. Here I learned to break the isolation caused by this disease, develop new tools to live by and finally learned how to focus on myself and to act in my own best interest and not react
Take deep breaths, reread the postings on the board, say the serenity prayer, stay in this day only
Do NOT Project to the future or Look into the Past. Take care of you and your family right now as best you can.
Praying for your peace. There is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 18th of March 2013 01:37:50 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 18th of March 2013 01:38:28 PM
I was reading the upto date posts just now. How familiar. I haven't been on here in a while as I THOUGHT I was coping with partner's drinking. I am not today. In fact I've cried and cried all day and I'm hurting so much inside. I feel dismal and worthless. Since I last posted, he has made a conscious effort to reduce his intake. Yesterday he drank a bit more and it made him ill. In his words he felt 'funky' and ill. I'm am so on my own with all this. He broke down and cried and said how sick he was of being dependent on the alcohol. Cried like a baby. I thought, great, maybe he is ready for change. he said he was going to come home today and not have any drink. He is down to 5/6 pints a night. Sometimes four. More on Fridays and the weekend of course because 'its chill out time' apparently. He is losing weight. He is terribly stressed. Today I've been shouted at whilst he was at work, via his mobile phone. Pure anger. I'm dreading him coming home because he has just texted and said he is going to buy some beers on the way back. When he is angry I get verbal abuse. I'm exhausted. I just want it to stop and I guess I'm realising it just isn't going to. He has no money and is relying on payday loans to fund his habits..drink, smoking and a dog. Meanwhile I have no phone credit, no money for food and no petrol in my car.
I love this man so much. I know I personally can't heal him or help him and he has to do it for himself.
I guess I know what I'm thinking. Just needed to vent. Just tired and exhausted and no one to talk to. I do walk away from the anger and abuse as advised before..but then I get yelled at more or criticised more or threatened that he will take his life.
sorry to go on. I know there are so many out there going thru the same thing.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully it gives you comfort to know that we all understand your pain. As I read all the posts here, I am continually amazed at how we are all in the same situations or have been. It sounds like you know your program tools (can't heal or help, he has to do it for himself...) In those moments of dread, I've found saying the serenity prayer helps to calm me down, and coming here to share with MIP members is also a blessing. I've learned too, that my AH threatens to take his own life only when he is drunk (alcohol removes inhibitions and gives him the courage to say what normally would only be a thought if he were sober). This isn't to minimize those threats, but just to say that you are not responsible. If you feel he is in danger, call the police or paramedics. I have done that recently and AH spent the weekend in the hospital.
Take care of yourself and keep coming back. And no apologies for sharing, that is why we are ALL here!! :) Hugs
I'm sorry you are going through this. Im not sure if I can offer wise words of encouragement. I can't seem to feel concern for threats of suicide, to me they are just part of the manipulators arsenal of weapons used to control another human being. I understand that part of this illness is self loathing and immaturity but threats like this are low. I hope you are able to detach from his cruel words and bad behaviour because you are worth much more than he seems able to give.x
Something that has really just smacked me between the eyes is the book series Getting Them Sober (Toby Rice Drews) and don't let the title fool you because it's about taking care of YOU!! I've got Vol 1, 2 and 4 looking to pick up 3 as well. There are just so many tools that start making sense in terms of when I feel better I do better. My STBAX is nto in the house and I'm ok. We have children together, I have to find a way to communicate with him and show my children just because there is dsyfunction we can all live, thrive and just do better than the day before, in my case if it's good for me, it's good for the kids and it's even good for my STBAX when he sees that I mean what I say, .. say what I mean and I don't have to be mean.
Keep coming back here because you are not alone, while our stories may differ the reality is the core feelings are pretty much the same. Anger, frustration, self esteem issues, isolation and so on, it's a terrible way to live, just surviving and you truly deserve to do more than survive each day.
You are not alone, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I THOUGHT I was coping with partner's drinking This is the sentence that caught my eye...when I decided I wanted more than coping and surviving, my life began to transform. I used to say that my life wasn't beige anymore, although really it was more like murky brown and green. Whatever he does or doesn't do, take care of you FIRST. Run to face to face al anon meetings and say to heck with just coping...live your life dancing and laughing!
From the other side of the planet Chreub...welcome back to the board and I'll back up what some of the responders suggested because it worked for me...Face to Face Al-Anon meetings and leave him and his pain up to his HP. His negative breakdowns have power and hopefully they will make him hit a bottom where he is done. Let go...Let God and find out where we meet in your area. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you everyone. It's just what I needed to hear. My whole life has been spent caring for others. My mother in recent years until she died and my youngest son who has spina bifada and my ex husband who has paranoid schizophrenia..never mind the other four sons! . After reading your comments I figured I have chosen this path and therefore I must deal with it.
He came home last night with the obligatory beer. He had borrowed money from a friend at work. I could see him sat in the car, before he came in, with his head in his hands..he is totally ashamed of his illness. He has a vunerability that sends me into the 'care overdrive'..but I do know that this can be manipulative and I do know he doesn't like me interfering with his 'routine'. I decided NOT to confront the problem but I did comment. I commented on the fact that I was disappointed that he had chosen not to stick to his plan of going without alcohol last night. I commented that it was sad that he felt he could borrow money for his alcohol but see his dog go without a tin of dog food. I said I wasn't going to supply that dog food as the dog, which he loves, is his responsibility. He didn't get angry. He tries to push buttons once he's had a few beers and he is agitated, but it didn't work on me last night. I stayed strong. Am I right to comment..I don't know. I don't shout, or point fingers but just state facts quietly.
I've spent the whole morning on an OCD kick with the cleaning! It kind of helped. I feel I've achieved something. I always figure that things happen for a reason and you can become a stronger person thru experiences. I hope that's the case here.
It is difficult for me to attend meetings.. I have my own car but if he is concerned that I might walk out he 'borrows' it or ensures I have no petrol. Thank goodness for the Internet and the telephone
. After reading your comments I figured I have chosen this path and therefore I must deal with it.