The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm living with my boyfriend, a recovering alcoholic 3 months sober. Things have improved there is no doubt. The fact that he's not drinking is amazing. I know I'm to support his recovery & that is his focus...that it needs to be. But he is an unemotional robot. He doesn't want to talk about anything that involves feelings or emotions. We need to talk about how our relationship has changed both emotionally & physically. We need to talk about finances. We need to talk about our kids. We need to talk about him getting a job. We need to talk about our life before treatment & our life now. He won't talk about anything. As long as we are "getting along", that's all he needs. I need so much more & don't know how to get him to understand that & open up to me.
I am overjoyed to read that your boyfriend has found recovery and is attending meetings. As you know alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless. Trying to resolve major issues will be difficult in the beginning. Having lived with this disease we too become affected and need a program of recovery That program is Alanon. Alanon has face to face meetings in your community and the locations and be obtained by calling the main telephone number listed in the telephone directory.
It is in alanon I learned to break the isolation caused by this disease and to reach out to others who understand as few others can. Here I also developed new tools to live by and how to act in my own best interest and not react
You are not alone Please keep coming back There is hope
My experience with my own recovery and watching others is that things progress slower than we want and in different ways than we want - but there is progress. 3 months sober feels like forever to a person who drank daily and it seems like a long time for a spouse of an alcoholic too, but 3 months is actually a very short span of sobriety. For over a year or more, it is the best some folks can do just to stay sober for that day. Yes, he does need to get a job and be an active father - I'm sure he probably knows these things too but, again, it's all too overwhelming and he's just trying to string another 24 hours together. My guess would be he's scared of his emotions and is believing that emotionally charged conversations and things that require a lot of initiative (ie working) have the power to make him relapse. Over time he will hopefully tackle those misconceptions little by little.
I guess my point is that - At 3 months sober, I was still having a really really hard time functioning. My body was still recuperating and my mind was even slower. More time is needed and a slow recovery is generally viewed as good because if someone got on their feet again right away, they would be more likely to relapse thinking it's "easy" to get sober again and also that it was just a fluke they lost their job and relationships deteriorated...etc.
I do feel like I should tell you that alcoholics are often riddled with fear up and until they thoroughly work the steps. A big part of my fear was just a fear of growing up and being a responsible adult. From what I have seen of years of meetings, some folks recover beyond wherever they were at and some milk the system, go for unemployment/disability when they don't really need it....I guess that's not too different than the rest of society right? So there is a chance that he might not ever step up to the plate in the ways you want and need. This is where alanon can really help because it's going to help you focus on yourself - meeting your own needs, staying grounded and spiritually fit regardless of the status of his recovery.
Such wise counsel from Betty and pinkchip. In al anon there is a saying that has helped me: Easy Does It. For me, al anon put my in touch with my compulsion to "have things happen right now to ease MY discomfort". I so get where you are right now. It has helped me tremendously (and to feel compassion for the addict) listening and learning about what substance abuse does to the brain and the development of the addict. Keep coming back to this forum and Yay, that your boyfriend has chosen recovery....al anon is recovery for us. hugs
Thanks for your supportive replies. I think I've decided I need to go to an actual alanon mtg...it's time for me...& hopefully it will help us'. I've looked into what is available close to me & the mtg is titled " 12 & 12 Study AFG". First what does AFG STAND FOR? And is this type of mtg an appropriate starting point?
"AFG" stands for Alanon Family Group. "The 12 and 12 Study meeting" should be a very informative meeting. This means that the meeting will focus on the" 12 and 12 ", which is an "alanon book ". This book outlines an in- depth study of the the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. These steps and traditions are the building blocks of our recovery program
