The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really struggling today. This morning when I was sleeping, my AH replied to a text from my sister. We were going out to breakfast together. He acted as me and said I was mad at my sister. It was this whole conversation, she quickly figured out it was him. He woke me up and told me. I told him how wrong it was and how upset my sister was. She had an argument with her husband (who I think is mentally abusive also) the night before (my sister and I both come from an Alcholic Dad). When I told him how upset she was, he literally danced around the kitchen with delight. Really?! Ugh!!! It really makes me feel sad and hurt that he takes pleasure in making me and my sister upset. It is so sick. We are really close and always have been so I feel like he got a two for one here. It is not lost on me that he is jealous of our relationship too.
I think I will keep my phone in my purse from now on. I am also sick because I didn't really bring it up again, instead I just acted like I didn't want to be around him tonite. He called me on it and said "I have a nasty edge." At least now I recognize that I did act like that but I don't really know what to do about. I don't know if I should bring up what he did again or let it go. When he acts abusive towards me, I have learned to walk away and not spend time with him. Maybe thats what I should have done? Any ESH would be helpful. Thanks for letting me vent guys.
Dear KSwiss, I can very much relate to your post and even recognized some similar reactions and feelings. My ex ABF has been mentally abusing in a very high degree. It too me some time to figure it all out. It was foggy first , but with too much abuse came too much pain, unfortunately and luckily. I'm good in feeling my feelings, so those told me that something was very very wrong. The more he put me down, and the more I felt insecure and depressed, the better he felt. When I was sick, with fever in bed, he was happy. When I cried for some reason, he was happy, when I was in doubt about something or uneasy about a situation in my life, he was happy. He was NEVER of support and never really caring. All he cared for was getting out of his low self worth, and an easy way up would be using me as a stepping stone. Please, mental abuse is sneaky and dangerous, and you don't notice much at first because they are masters in manipulation. But please please please, if your feeling is telling you something is wrong , SOMETHING IS WRONG. trust yourself more ...always. because abusers also use the empathy of others to get to what they want. Take care of yourself, and if it's enough, it's enough.If we feel pain connected to what someone else does, well it's our responsibility towards ourselves to get away from it. Because they will surely not walk away or restrain from it, because after all we make their lives so much more comfortable. My ex ABF 's reaction in the last encounter did it for me. When I found out he had lied and cheated and manipulated me for the past months and when I had the facts, and told him very calmly that he was the person who acted the worst and the most cruel in my life, well he had a big smile on his face and said with genuine satisfaction: T'HANK you very much. ' ...probably because for once in his life he got 'complimented' on something. go figure. please be careful and take care of yourself. Mental abuse works sneaky and on a long time basis. I felt brainwashed when it was over, and with time and silence I could see who I really was again.....and that person had nothing to do with what he had set out with and wanted to live with. be careful not to please him just to fit it, because often it also happens, the more you want to please his 'standards' , and actually live up to them, the more he keeps changing his mind and exchanging them for the opposite...and you will only feel wrong again. They have twisted minds....it's a game that we can't win. we can only step out of that circle. ...and we vent here because we feel something wrong has been done. So I guess it's good to feel those feelings. take good care of yourself and keep coming back. in support.
there's one theory out there that the disease arrests As social development...what occurred to me as I read your post...that what he did with the text is something someone would do in middle school....password protect your phone....
For me, I had to break the silence...risk feeling shame...and share with others the crazy stuff that used to happen between me and my A. He used to call me the c-word. when I told him that was awful and hurt me he said "If you are being a C then I am going to call you a C" -- so yes, I must have deserved the abuse.
this IS nuts, living with an A...stay strong...remember your beauty...and think "I am rubber you are glue, your bad words bounce off me and stick to you" -- hahaha...but honestly, his behavior is a reflection ON HIM....
Many folks come into recovery with some serious personality pathology. Taking pleasure in others' pain is sadism/psychopathy. Tortuga gave a pretty clear picture of that also with her ex-A. Also, as reprof said, it's largely due to arrested social/emotional development. Hence, this is why we see things like tantrums, rage, narcisism, silent treatment....and all sorts of other petty and immature emotional games from alcoholics and addicts.
Aloha KSwiss yeah that is sick and you got some good feelings feedback from the group. I remember that kind of behavior turning me into a lunatic because I let it really get to me. The put down later tried to cap me until I stopped automatically defensing them and learned how to "agree" with them adding my justifications without pointing my finger right at my alcoholic/addict. "Yes I get a nasty edge when something like that happens no matter who does it" and then I'd quit the contact rather than going for bigger armor. Sick people do sick things. Sad that you got one of those living with you. Go have lunch with your sister after a meeting. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews helped me with the emotional abuse part and how to react. I didn't realize all the emotional manipulation and abuse I was sucked into believing was normal, and it was word for word in there how we talked to each other. I also started seeing a therapist, who had experience in this and she helped me say and manage his behavior so that he backed off.
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
