The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is actively attending meetings and has been for quite some time. He has been sober on and off and lately, for a few years, "under the influence, not drunk, but buzzed, which he can hide but not from me. I know his speech and his physical movements which gives him away. I do not ask if he has been drinking or ask where or what happened or what his day was like. I used to do that for years and got tired of all the lies. I learned not to ask when you know the answer. However, he was so annoying, critical, judgmental and aggravating. He kept talking, repeating himself, commenting on everything I was "trying" to watch on television. I wanted to scream. I had a long day - left the house at 8:15 AM and didn't get home until 7 PM. He was supposed to get himself something to eat. He was acting like a child and wondering what I was going to eat. I stood my ground and told him that he was supposed to get his dinner together and I was going to have something light. He is two different people - I am sure anyone out there reading this knows this well. We have had counseling - always my suggestion. Lately, I have no physical attraction to him. In the last few months, after many years of marriage, I no longer take the initiative. He must wonder what is going on. I have read other posts. Even our counselor once told me, it makes the woman feel like she is being used. When your spouse lies, you don't feel trust. It is a festering antagonistic feeling I have towards him. I look back and wonder what life would have been like without him and look forward with fear of making a move. To those who have done it, I applaud your courage and for making a decision. I couldn't sleep well and thoughts spin all over. I have no control but his decisions control me. Any help would be appreciated.
All I know is that when I was feeling in a place like I should be doing something - leaving the A or staying, I just kept bringing it to my HP. I'd also pick up the phone and call my sponsor, or get to a meeting or read some CAL. I just knew intuitively that I'd "know" when enough was enough, if it ever came.
The biggest thing I had to work on was coming to trust that my HP was going to take care of me no matter what... that I was going to be okay no matter what. I had to come to a place of really really believing that before I felt I could make any major decisions. That trust had to come over time.
Hi wife of an alcoholic...me too. Thirteen yrs and one child. Read my posts...your not alone. I know the long, sad painful days...and nites. Im trying to stay with my ah while keeping my sanity and dinginity in check..not easy. Ive been on these boards a ton. Read a feel free to pm me. Im not sure if got answers but certainly understand all you just wrote. S
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
ugh this is so angering reading your post. I am going through the exact same thing right now. The lying all of it. It all most creates a feeling of disgust? I have 0 physical attraction there, I mean ... its like such a small amount it can't qualify for a relationship. I cannot understand how they don't think about the trust factor. It is horrible and we also went to couples counseling. After not wanting any physical contact our therapist also explained the same thing to him and said that lying to me is only going to push me further away and his expectations of me are unrealistic under that condition. A woman feels used and like her life does not matter. Time just goes by and you just wait. for no reason. on them. its gross.
lately, when I sit down to pray to my higher power I am so filled with resentment and anger I cannot even pray for myself let alone him! I can say that the only thing that helped me with the lying was trying to spend as little time with him as possible and it helped keep my sanity and dignity there. Dignity isnt abundant when you are constantly being lied to like your a clueless idiot. You're right. I don't ask those questions because it isn't even worth it anymore! I am just disgusted that I know the answer! I understand exactly how you feel.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
You used one word that really hits it on the head. FESTERING. Man, is that a killer. One thing that did help me with the lying too was something someone told me in chats here, you look at that part like its the disease talking.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
