The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After reading some of the posts this morning I began pondering co-dependency.The meaning of it and how it shows up in my life is still unfoldingfor today, I see that it has given me a false sense of power over people and my life. I looked for power from ineffective sources. I thought I had power when someone took my suggestions or when my husband made my choices (I was sure fooled on this one!) based on my ultimatums.I thought I had power because I worked in the mental health field and I knew peopleI thought I could size someone up in a minute.I spotted the addicts, but they were my projects.I got a kick out of the charisma of the alcoholic.I could banter with the best of em.I thought I had power because I read the right books, sat in the right seminars and had answers that could fix those that asked for help.If you were not my family, I did offer the courtesy of waiting to be asked, but I had a way of manipulating that out of people.I was as manipulative and cunning as the addicts.It wasnt until I experienced the first step, and it took me awhile, did I know the power in powerlessness. I could say the words, but the experience of powerlessness brought me to my knees, which was my HPs gig all along.My HP was the real power source, and when I could plug myself in, I lit up.I often still get unplugged and have to suffer before I come back to step one.Co-dependency is my drug of choice (and peanut butter cups) and relapse is just waiting to pounce.Thanks for letting me share.
I'm more of a Mounds person myself, but that's because I love coconut(note the nut in the word here, LOL). Thanks for sharing Paula, I really like reading that. I remember thinking I could keep everything under control, not realizing that I was trying to play God in my life and everyone else's. It's so nice to finally realize that I can turn people and situations over to God and feel at peace. Of course, it takes practice and I'm still working on it!
what a great share! At times i look with shock horror! At people who draw a salary- and at the way sometimes how that too feeds into the illness. That being said my SO is a health professional- in the middle of the pecking order.
Of course my own situation here in the south pacific might be different- but I reflected, as a volunteer, on my relationship with professionals- useless? Unhelpful? No it was destructive. In my own Alanon group I more or less counsel- do not rely on the clinicians. Do not trust them. That said- there are a few courageous individuals who are our friend, and who are a friend to families.
Coda learning is great! it is a guide to reality. Maybe even to healing. Here, in Alanon, and also with ACA I always welcome professionals who are making their way through our programme. I see them as our future friends and allies... and somewhere out there there will be some answers...
Can you help me better understand co dependency and how it plays out in the alco fam. I kno am a lic social worker...i can help out and advocate for the best of them but have trouble "counseling thyself"
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie is an excellent book. I believe you would find this resource extremely helpful. It is an older book, so you may be able to get it at your local library. Start reading whatever you can on co-dependency, be open to looking at yourself without judgement, let your insights percolate within you, share what you are learning on this forum, in meetings, with a sponsor, be open to feedback (and I know you are based on your postings) and you will slowly experience the freedom of enjoying relationships that are not co-dependent....for me I began (I am still "beginning") to get what co-dependency was when I experienced what it was not. The head gathers the info and thinks about it, but the healing takes place through the heart... This may make no sense at all..sometimes I have a hard time articulating what I know. Another resource that has been so helpful to me is Courage to Change; One Day at a Time in Al Anon II. These are daily readings. I hope this has been helpful...it is late and I am rambling-maybe too much info? Take good care.
The whole concept of powerlessness is very scary for the co dependent. We have prided ourselves on being In CHARGE...and oh, what an illusion it all was! It is very typical foa co-d to be a control freak. We (maybe I should say I) felt like there was so much out of control in my life that I clung with a tight fist to what I THOUGHT I was controlling. When, through the message of Al Anon, I started relinquishing the control (or the illusion of it) I became free...and life became easier, not as frantic and generally sweeter. Keep working on the premises of Al Anon....it is such a gratifying way to live....
I learned early on in AlAnon this troubling thought......" the one who cares the LEAST has the most power". Oooooooh that bothered me. But it helped me greatly in learning detachment. Think about it.
Take good care.