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Today my husband had court for DUI. I was subpoenaed as a witness. I called the police on him after a domestic incident and he was arrested for DUI after driving away when the police arrived. Of course he totally blames me for his arrest and has this whole crazy scenario in his head how I carried him out of his bed while he was sleeping, put him in his car while he was still aslee,p and called the police to set him up for a DUI. Never mind that he is 100 pounds heavier than me and a foot taller and I couldnt't drag him a foot if I had too. He had also gotten up and dressed and ripped our house apart before the police arrived but apparently I did all that too as part of my evil plot to destroy him. We have separated since this incident but last time I spoke to him he said he was not going to court as he thought he was innocent and he said he would not give me the satisfaction of seeing him in court. So I took a day off work and got up early to go to court full of anxiety. I was really hoping he would think this through and make the rational decision and go to court. Of course he didn't show up. I was told witnesses needed to stay until the case was called even if the person faicng charges didn't show up. Of course his case was one the last ones called and I wasted 4 hours sitting there for nothing. He now has a warrant out for his arrest with a $15,000 bond. The only address anyone has for him is his work address so if they go arrest him it will have to be at his job which means he will likely be fired. His job is all he has left. Despite having decided that I want a divorce I was still very much hoping that he would go to court, be ordered to treatment, and by some miracle become the man I fell in love with 10 years ago. Or I was at least hoping he would not do something to screw up his life even more. I know he is drunk all the time and incapable of making any intelligent decisions at this point but I'm still shocked at how he constantly chooses to do things that will just cause him so many more problems. And of course he continues to blame everyone else when things fall apart because he refuses to face the consequences of his behavior. This disease is just so frustrating.
Oh scaredand confused, my heart goes out to you. I am in a nearly identical situation. My AH refused to settle his legal issue at the pretrial hearing, and now it goes to trial in 2 weeks. He has said he wont hire a lawyer and will just represent himself. It is a domestic issue, so I will have to be a witness. AH is in an outpatient program now, and I pray he makes some better decisions about all this before the trial, but I also see that I cant control any of it. Take care of yourself. It is such a frustrating disease.
Maybe after all this he will hit his bottom, all you can do is stay out of his way so that he doesn't have you to blame anymore. It does sound ridiculous that he could blame you for his DUI or even down play the fear you must have gone through yourself that night, but that is what active A's do, not see things rational, because their lives revolve around them, but you can decide whether to be an extra in the film starring him or not. Keep taking care of you and hand him over to your HP who can handle this. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The alcoholic's pride and ego mixed with alcohol...the picture of it kinda sorta comes out looking like a sloe gin fizzzzzzzzz!! When he gets sober first he'll have half a chance until then the pain will become almost unbearable. Pray that it becomes unbearable and that he finds a meeting right at the same time. ((((hugs)))) for you in the mean time and it's true sitting in court waiting for something to happen that isn't going to happen is a great metaphor living with nothing to do. Well no...next time if there is one take some Al-Anon literature with you or some meditations which bring your spirit to silence and stillness.
He is always going to blame you it helps keep him in denial. I think the danger is for you not to take the blame. As long as you are secure in the knowledge that you are not to blame. If you keep not taking the blame then maybe he will see the truth.
It does sound like he is getting closer to his consequences which may give him what he needs. Maybe his HP is at work here, he is heading for a fall. Anyway, he may or may not get sober. I love the fact that you can still be calm and have happy moments in your day despite all this drama. This program is a gift.x
It's not "right or wrong" per say. It might help to look at it as just "choices" Every bad choice I made led me to my bottom and to AA. Hence, this is just going to result in harsher consequences which he probably needs since he sounds like he's in some serious denial and at a later stage of alcoholic illness. If left to his own devices or an IOP program, he wouldn't attend with that level of defiance. Jail is one of the safest places for him and somewhere he can detox and have time go gain some clarity. Court appearances and charges don't tend to make us hit bottom as much as actually sitting in a jail cell. Look at what John recently posted about his son skipping bail - As long as they are in the midst of their disease, alcoholics can and will justify not being responsible for anything. So, I guess I'm saying he's not making "wrong" choices as much as he's making alcoholic ones and our literature in AA tells us that leads to 3 places "Jails, institutions, and/or Death." Hence, out of the 3 results - Jail is a better "choice" than one of those options for sure and he's just doing what alcoholics do and heading in the direction that all of us alcholics head towards before finally hitting bottom. Some take the elevator all the way down and some step off quicker.
I know this was all about the alcoholic and not so much about you - the one bit of ESH I can hope that will help you will be that nobody emerges "the same man" you fell in love with after having a life threatening battle with alcohol. It is forever changing. Same as for you - you will never forget all that has happened with his decent into alcoholism. You will never be the same woman again also. In an ideal scenario, both of you would embrace recovery and move forward learning from the past, but knowing you cannot change it and that it's part of what shaped you and got you to the point where you are ready to make some positive changes. Recovery is more about having faith in your HP to tranform you and whoever else into what your HP has in mind - not what you have in mind or what the person "used to be" like. Hence, the "Alanon recovering you" will be different than the you before any of this happened just like the "AA recovering him" will also be very different. Ignorance might be bliss but from going through all this, you will gain wisdom and some ability to help others - You are doing it now even if you don't see it.
