The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello!! I am brand new to this site. I've been reading over some posts and trying to decide if I should jump in and share my story. Something lead me to you guys tonight, so I figure I have nothing to lose! :) So here goes nothing.....
First and foremost I am a mom to 3 wonderful children. They are my entire life!!! And I am blessed to stay home with them! Secondly I am a wife of going on 12 years to a "functioning alcoholic"- and that is my own diagnosis. He's always drank, but I've only noticed it becoming a "problem" over the past few years. It used to be that he'd go out and get completely wasted, not answer calls or texts and stumble in sometime in the very early morning hours. Usually very drunk and hundreds of dollars poorer as he'd been gambling the night away, and who knows what else. I've spent numerous sleepless, worrisome nights not knowing where he was, who he was with or if he was okay! Finally about 3 years ago I put a stop to it, I gave him an ultimatum, either those nights and the gambling stopped or me and the kids walked. Thankfully he chose us. However, little did I know, he decided to start drinking more, just at home. Fast forward a few years....he drinks daily, occassionally he'll take a day or two break, but it's typically after a fight and me bringing up drinking. Weekends he'll start at 9am sometimes. Beer isn't usually an issue, but lately he's been drinking more whiskey since "it doesn't make him feel bad in the morning." Then there is the binge drinking, once a week or so that he gets pretty drunk. There have been 2 occassions now in the past 6 months that he's gotten out of control, and I believe it's from the whiskey. He gets SO mean. He threw a drink on my sister, he screamed and argued with me in front of a group of people at a surprise party, over nothing and there is no reasoning with him. Plus, he lies, all the time, about anything and everything. Things that make no sense to lie about, he just does. Which really makes me mad. Tonight pushed me past my limit (whatever that limit might be). He text me and said that he was having a beer with a friend after work and then would be home. Well 4 hours later he comes in, soooo drunk, had driven himself home (which is another issue, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with that) and says they only had 3 beers. They were at a bar next door to a strip club. He swore he didn't go to the strip club though. I didn't believe him and after he passed out (which took 20 seconds) I went for a search for his wallet. He had locked it in his truck, but I found it, along with about 20 single dollar bills. So obviously, another lie. I'm sorry to ramble. I just have to vent. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my family and friends about it time after time. I don't like feeling judged. But I'm lost, I don't know what to do. I want to leave, but then what? I don't work, I'm worried that if we do divorce, will he drink and drive during his time with the kids?? (He's done it before without my knowledge) I'm just looking for support. I hope that I can find some here. Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far!
Aloha Marie and welcome to the board...Sorry you have to be one more of the millions of victims of the disease of alcoholism like I was. He is what I did first. I went to the white pages of my local telephone book and found the hotline number for Al-Anon and called it and got information where and when they met and then got to the very next face to face meeting which was given to me. By the way I had called Help in Emotional Trouble first and then the Suicide Prevention Hotline before calling Al-Anon. That was a God thing.
Next I went to that meeting and started putting my thoughts and opinions to the side and just listen with an open mind to the fellowship that was there before me and there to greet me. So I suggest first things first and that the first "leaving" you do it to the telephone book and the second "leaving" to the face to face meeting. Keep coming b ack here also cause there is more support coming up next. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry's advice is spot on..get thee to an Al Alnon meeting!! This is way too big to handle on your own...the experience of thers is invaluable and will help you chart your course. It IS hard to talk to family/friends as they don't understand alcoholism and they have emotional involvement as well.
I have been where you are, MM, and I know how heavy your heart is. What helped me immeasurably was the tried and true "one day at a time"...Just do today....to try to predict, manage, imagine what lies ahead is too much, but you CAN and WILL do just fine today. I hope you call and find a meeting....hopefully it will be a lifeline for you, as it was for me, and so many others....
Agreeing with others about Al Anon meetings. I am in a similar situation except that my husband didn't drink for the first 15 years of our marriage. He quit right before we got married because I told him I wouldn't marry him if he continued to binge drink. Anyway, here we are in our 40s, we have a 14 year old son, and I am dealing with his alcoholism. My AH holds a decent job, we live in suburbia, drive luxury cars, etc. but that doesn't mean our lives are anywhere near perfect. My AH got a DUI last February after binging at home one night. I told him to take a cab and that I wasn't going to pick him up from the police station. He did time in jail and now has an ignition interlock device(breathalyzer) on his car but when he travels for work he drives rental cars and then drinks and drives where ever he is. He sees no issue in doing so. If he gets caught driving those rental cars, he would be charged with driving with a suspended license and he could do more jail time and pay HUGE fines in those states along with paying the 30 day impound fees for the rental car. The rental car company would probably alert all the other rental car companies and AH would not be able to rent a car again which could really impact his job. If he got caught with a DUI in those states, we'd be screwed financially and he'd definitely do jail time!
I don't work, and I homeschool our son. I understand your fear and frustration. I think the one fear that keeps me living with him the most is because of finances and wondering how I'd make it on my own. You don't have to make any decisions today. Right now I am working on a plan. Putting feelers out there for jobs I might be qualified for, making sure I get an IEP for my son(he has Tourette's and ADHD and learning disabilities) in case I need to put him in school, and making sure our finances are organized and in order so I know what we have and where it is(if that makes sense). My AH and I are in marriage counseling right now but it's not going well. My trust has been gone for a while. The lies, drinking and driving with our son in the car, projecting and blaming his problems on me and everyone else around him, and his personality issues have made it difficult for us to work together in counseling. The therapist is pretty much at his wit's end and so I think we'll be done with counseling for a while.
As Auntyaya said, "one day at a time". Truly, that is how I get through. I pray. I pray some more for guidance and for the right answers and I get on with my day. I am learning to take care of me and take care of my son. That's the best any of us can do. Hugs to you today!
Dear MM and ILD-My heart goes out to both of you as I have been where you are now and I remember all too well the horrible, horrible uncertainty of life. I called it walking on Jello...always shaky and unstable.
This is NOT advice, but just a peek into my world now. I left a 30 year marriage after deciding to take control of my own life. I was tired, just bone weary of him being in the drivers seat of our lives and it was all just so awful. What could be worse? I HAD to to trust myself, because my trust for him was gone....
It was like walking off a cliff...but with the belief in myself and knowing that where I was headed would be, in time, way better than where I was....well, I did it.
3 years later I am a content, in charge woman. I look back with sadness on several levels. Certainly wishing it could have been different, sad that what we thought we be enjoying after 30 years of marriage was gone (but then it had been gone for a long long time), and also wishing that I had had the courage to leave earlier.
All that said I have absolutely no regrets about my decision. I have a life full of wonderful and supportive friends, a part time job that I like and relying solely on myself has been liberating. I enjoy of life of peace, tranquility and predictability.
At the end of the day, TRUST YOURSELF..no one can walk your path but you......you WILL make the reight decision for you and your children...
I wish you both well...and I know there are better days ahead for each of you...
