His life is complicated and I am drowing in my own problems - Al-Anon Family Group

teachmath · Veteran Member

His life is complicated and I am drowing in my own problems

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Listen to your red flags and make it to as many face to face meetings as you can. The hardware store doesn't carry bread and it never will, a dry A can be just as bad if not worse than an active A and all I hope for you is that you can take the best care of yourself as possible. I am sending you much love and support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you going to face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups? Your post sounds like you are a newbie to the program...just arriving and lacking awareness on how and why we make the crazy choices we make. Breakingfree had some good insight as will the rest of the family coming up behind this and to me you've put expectations up infront of the alcoholic who is stuck in self and still battling what wrong with him. He's getting his needs met by calling and coming to you and you're not. That is absolutely normal in a relationship with an addicted person both sides; his self centeredness and your willingness to keep enabling the problem for you. The AFG program with the meetings, literature, steps and traditions, sponsorship and finding a Power greater than yourself has been the solution for me and for many others. There is no reason for you to be in the condition you are...it's the wrong choice. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I was in a relationship so much like this. I kept waiting for him to wake up and see how much I was giving and how much he was taking. Even some recognition and acknowledgement would have been like water in a desert. I waited for years. I tried to explain so many times. He never did "wake up." Eventually I was so worn down and depressed by it that I had a terrible time rescuing myself. It was awful. Hugs.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Recently someone posted, and I'm going to butcher it a little - sorry - a concept to the effect of, take the alcohol away from a drunken self-centered bullying jerk and what do you get? A Sober self-centered bullying jerk.

teachmath · Veteran Member

I have not made a meeting yet, due to my schedule of doctor's appointments and my part time retail job. I also have personal reasons for holding back on meetings, but I am feeling the need to go and figure a way to make things work. I am so sick of his pity party and his lack of recognition that he is doing the things he is doing. He just doesn't want to deal with my stuff and I am not feeling he will be there for me in the long run. I do feel he is taking advantage of my generosity. What irks me the most is how much he does for everyone else.

Thank heavens I have one gf who knows about him but I worry that I am unloading on here unfairly. This sucks!!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear teachmath

I am glad you are connecting here and attempting to gain support at this difficult time in your relationship.The alanon tools that I practiced in alanon meetings have served me well regardless of the fact if I am living with an alcoholic recovered or not

Here are a few that my seem difficult to master but are powerful:

Take Care of myself

Give to others without expectation of return

Have no expectations of anyone.

Do not give anyone advise

Let each person be responsible for their own lives

Treat everyone with courtesy and kindness

Do not gossip or critique anyone

Live one day at a time

Trust HP

Ask directly for what I need

Say what I mean mean what I say without saying it mean

If you cannot make face to face metings maybe on line would work for you We cannot do this alone

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Edited last post cuz it was snarky and mean spirited. Sorry my ESH wasn't helpful to your Teach Math. I hope you find your answers in F2F meetings. There's a fine line between me telling folks things that are true and that they might not want to hear and me just being wrong. I am open to both those things being possible but sometimes I do swing and miss completely. Obviously that's my problem :(

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 14th of March 2013 08:06:49 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been in this type of relationship before too....sadly i've been in it many times. I spent so much time and effort trying, hoping, writing letters, complaining.....blah blah...trying to MAKE the other person into what they either didn't want to be or couldn't be. It was (and it still is) a total b@#$h that I can't turn folks into what I want them to be or what I think I need them to be. Even a person having the "potential" to be what I want is not them just "being" what it was I want. I used to think them having "the potential" justified me goading, complaining, and trying to willfully get them to move the rest of the way into what I wanted them to be.

Teachmath - I empathize. I truly do. I have wanted relationships to work out so bad and caused myself so much pain trying to turn Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right. Or it was that they were really "Mr. Pass the time, Mr. Just for now, or Mr. Meant to only Date Casually"....I slammed my head against the figurative wall trying to get those guys to be "marriage" material. It never happened. While it's super scary and a sucky proposition, you are either at the point where you have realized his is not and will never be "Mr. Right" or you are going to accept him and just enjoy what he has to offer. It hurts to much to keep trying to change them.

PS. - I would argue that I wasn't trying to change them also and I would do it under the guise of saying I was trying to "help" them be a better partner...be more sensitive...more caring...whatever. In actuality, I was trying to make those guys into something they weren't. This didn't make me a bad person...nor does it you. It just makes you someone who may be trying to hard and hoping to much that an apple will morph into an orange (he is what he is and it sounds like that's not what you want).

teachmath · Veteran Member

@pinkchip, I have to completely disagree with you. I am not trying to change him at all. When someone is hurting you, I believe it is your responsibility to let that person so they can take action. If you noticed, I stated that I have spent nearly no time with him during the last two months so he and his son can sort things out. That is something they need to do, not me. Prior to all of this insane change, things were great and our relationship was balanced (well, sort of). I know he loves me and wants to know when he is hurtful to me. He just has a very hard time hearing it, and understanding that this is what people do to resolve problems.
@hotrod, I am getting to a meeting with a friend in tow bc I just feel too insecure about this to go alone. Hopefully, once I sit through a meeting, I will more confident about attending. As for your principles, I already live that way.

I am sure my story will continue to evolve over time and hopefully this relationship will get back on track.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

As a member of both AA and Al-Anon, I often remember what my AA sponsor said to me many years ago...

"ya know one of dem der fruitcakes people give as gifts at christmas time?, well, some are favored with Rum. If you extract the Rum from one, and nutin else is changed, ya still got a darn fruitcake!" then he would lightly pat me on the back as he walked away. I was such a fruitcake that it took almost two years before I realized he was talking about ME the whole time! LOL

Sounds like ya might have a fruitcake in your life. smile

John

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

and that was just plain nasty. I will pray for you.

Also, alanon is a place where you look at your part. It's not where you just complain about your qualifier. If you get this upset anytime anyone suggest you look at your own role in things, it's going to be difficult for you. I wish you all the best though. I am also far from selfish seeing as I work as a social worker with foster kids and largely underpaid, and spend the rest of my time devoted to 12 step program and connecting with others. Just like I can be wrong....So can you.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 14th of March 2013 06:12:27 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

((( teachmath ))))

I am going to send him an email and let him know why I am ignoring him. I am tired of a telephone relationship where it's always all about him. I must focus on myself, getting better and finding a job. I cannot afford the distractions of this relationship.

Taking care of you is always the best thing to do

Keep coming back you are not alone

teachmath · Veteran Member

@Cathy, thanks for the kind thoughts. Unfortunately, he was not receptive to anything I said. I am going to spend the weekend in solitude and decide if the stress of this relationship is worth it. It would be a lot easier if I wasn't in love with him and saw a future for us together. The whole thing is just so sad.... for both of us...

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

We all are here because our A's are not receptive to anything we say. That's why we come here for support and decide what to do for us. We pray that someday they will seek recovery and come back into our lives. Until till then all we can do is seek recovery for ourselves.

Take care and I pray you find what your looking for....

((( hugs ))))

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Teachmath - most of us here loved our qualifiers and saw a future with them but had to take our own blinders off and do what was best for our own good. I hear you say that you have nothing to do with your ABF's behavior, you are right but you DO have something to do with how you accept how he treats you. You DO have a role in how he treats you because you LET it continue. I went back and read all of your posts and in EACH post you're complaining about the SAME negative personality traits of your ABF and asking - yes, you ask us, is this the behavior I should get used to? You don't like the answers people give you; so answer your own question - IS this type of behavior, the type of personality traits he has, is it acceptable to you for the rest of your life if you wind up choosing to spend the rest of your life with him? He has shown you for 16 months now exactly what to expect from him.

teachmath · Veteran Member

@likemyheart, you are correct that the same traits have been a problem for me all along. But I also only post here when I am at a loss as to how to cope with him. If you notice huge lags in my posts, it is because things are going extremely well with us. I am still trying to understand the alcoholic mind and how their perception of things is so very different than those of us who are not alcoholics. I do not feel I am answering my own questions, but find some people project their situation onto mine, when it is not the same. I realize you don't know the full story, it would be pages to write it out, but reading between the lines, or making inferences is never helpful. I do appreciate your thoughts and hope that the next time I post I will try to fill in more of our background as a couple.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps Teachmath, it would benefit us all to hear you post about other things as well, to give us a better understanding of the well-roundedness of your being. I come here every day, no kidding, I respond to posts if they speak to me personally; I feel others respond to my posts for the same reasons. Sometimes, because of where I feel I am in my recovery, I just want to share the peaceful happy joy of my bs free life! There are some posts that are definately relatable to my life and situation; there are other posts that I know I have nothing to share because I have not walked in those shoes. I value so much of the insight found here, I feel very blessed when someone takes time out of their day to respond to my post because I know how long it takes me to compose a response; and, I am constantly reminded that, although I do not walk in that person's shoes, there is a real person there and a real reason they are responding the unique way they respond - EVERY persons perception, even if I don't agree with them, is valuable to THEM and deserves to be treated with respect, I truly value that everyone who comes to this special place chooses to be here. I will echo everyone else here and suggest that to truly understand the alcoholic mind, is to find benefit from face to face meetings.

I'm sorry for this observation but, you say you are trying to understand the alcoholic mind but what I read in your posts isn't of having a boyfriend with an alcoholic mind, its having a boyfriend who seems insensitive to YOUR needs that's concerning you.

teachmath · Veteran Member

@likemyheart, I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't have the time to do this and go back and forth. If you noticed in the first part of my posting, I stated that I am exceedingly busy. My understanding of alcoholics is that they possess a series of traits, and self centered and selfish behavior is right at the top. When someone is selfish, they do ignore the needs of others especially when they believe their situation is worse than others.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

You are right, when someone is selfish, they ignore the needs of others especially when they believe their situation is worse than others.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.