The material presented
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The bashing, the blaming, the anger. What the hell?
A/DA/PA Husband has been going to his outpatient treatment for about two weeks now and it's been up and down since. I really don't know how to act around him. My understanding of being supportive is to leave him alone and let him talk to me about his treatment.
He came back from treatment class today and got mad at me for calling 9-1-1 when he had a seizure three weeks ago due to smoking that stupid fake marijuana. He's mad at me for calling. He's mad at me for giving the paramedics the bag of fake marijuana so they can figure out what the hell he was doing. He thinks the paramedics didn't do anything really do anything to help him. I told him a million times HE WAS NOT BREATHING AND WAS SEIZING but nope, still mad.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Let him die?
I just said "I don't know what to tell you then." and walked away.
I'm trying to stay clear and give him some space. He's only nice to me when he wants sex but most of the time, he's Satan. I don't think I should be forced to have sex with someone who obviously does not give a damn about me.
All I can think of right now is divorce because I deserve better than this. I've been through enough already. I've been advised to wait at least 6 months but all I can think of is "I can't wait for September then."
Please feel free to give me some advice or words of encouragement. This board has been very helpful but I'm still lost. :(
It falls my lot to be first up to reply to your post- more than anything because of the time zone i am in... this is a great place, this MIP board- friendly, supportive and realistic. I am one of these Alanon nerds- bit there a while...
In my eary days in Alanon members were encouraged 'to stick it out' and 'make the best of it'. Things have changed quite a lot since then- especially if someone in a relationship is under some threat- mentally or physically.
I have bin married 30 years now but i can still recall a time in my life when this was a reality for me.
Living with addiction- we are the innocent ones- or we start out that way- and then we get dragged into the madness and the lies. Some people manage to wotk through all of this and live happy lives.
Its like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't- with everything in the relationship, really... it sent me round the twist- it would do the same to any sane person.
If this is time to reach out, to seek help, them wow! This is the time to do it . The people like me on this board have bin there, done that... I can identify with your posting- and at least for a few minutes take time out and stand with you.
i think if you feel ready then leave. its a hard move to make because we get addicted to them and their bad behaviour serves a purpose for us. for me, his addiction allowed me to keep me from dealing with me and my life, i blamed him for all that was wrong in my life. anyway alanon is helping reality into my life.x
One of the reasons we're encouraged to wait six months before making a major decision is that often we haven't practiced the tools necessary to stick with that decision. So people leave their A, but then leaving gives them distance and they start missing them, and the A makes all kinds of promises about reform, and often we get back together with them. Then it's good for a while, then the A starts behaving oddly, and we accuse them of drinking and they deny it angrily, and we wonder if we're paranoid, and then we find proof that they are drinking, and then we get angry and say we were right after all, and there's a big quarrel and we leave again, and then we start missing them... The cycle of madness goes on and on. I went through it uncountable times. I didn't know about the concept of leaving when I was calm and had made a calm decision with understanding of my own feelings so I could take care of myself well enough when we were separated. I finally did separate happily from my A.
It does sound painful and difficult in your house. Your A is trying to stir up trouble, which helps relieve him of his feelings. You can separate from him informally, I mean you don't have to start with divorce. Or you can find ways to take care of yourself while staying, at least for a while, or just go visit a friend for a few days. Taking care of your serenity is the most important thing. Do you have a meeting? That is another hugely helpful tool.
I can only suggest finding escape tactics when the crazy behaviors come your way. It's disturbing that someone in early sobriety would want to look for fights rather than soothing, comfort, and/or support but that is what they often do. It's him trying to hand his addiction over to you and, to whatever degreee possible, hand it back to him in the form of "I'm not discussing this again" or "I'm clearly not the one to work with you on drug issues" or "I'm glad your in treatment now and working on not having these things ever happen again." Those statements will make him mad and maybe seem to cause fights at first, but eventually he will see they are conversation enders hopefully and that picking fights doesn't work.
P.S. - I think one of the lowest moments of my life was when I called 911 on my now ex-A for drinking and purposely overdosing on perscription pills - His own mother called me screaming and begging to not let her son die cuz he'd called her to say "goodbye." As they were rolling him out on a gurney he gave me the finger. When I showed up at the hospital he cursed me out while tar and crap was spilling from his mouth. I distinctly remember thinking how surreal that was and how far my life had progressed into insanity at that point. I spent the next few weeks running clothes and cigarettes to him while he was in the hospital on a locked mental ward. The first time I couldn't get in cuz I'd arrived past visiting hours. It was pouring rain that day. I still remember crying in my car with his clothes and cigarrettes and how I'd rushed through the rain and such to get them to him. And I was doing all this for someone that was that sick and couldn't give me back a damn thing really. That was my codependent bottom I guess.
I never got a "thank you for saving my life" that I recall....just more crap. So I can identify.
No one can tell you to stay or go, the (your choices) are always yours to make, you only have yourself to look at in the mirror at the end of the day, you know what goes on in your life. If you have had enough, then make that decision, if you want to dive into your al-anon program and see if your changes can help save the marriage then do that. I do hope you are making to as many local face to face meetings as possible to reach some clarity. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I like how Mattie put it, using the tools found in Al-anon to recover calm so that you can make a decision not based on emotional upheaval. Mine was always leaving in a huff for a few months, then I'd give in and let him come back and it would start again. The last time he left was when I found this board and Al-anon. It did not take me very long to see the insanity of my situation when I was able to step away from the "love" that bound me to his unacceptable behavior.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I'm just really tired and frustrated. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know how to reach out to him without getting yelled at and berated. At the same time, I don't want to act like I don't care either.
I do want to take advantage of the tools I'm learning from Alanon, not only because I want to save my marriage but also to save myself just in case the marriage fails. I've been feeling a lot better about myself since Alanon but there are days when I just want to scream at him for all the BS he did and for destroying our marriage.
And last night, he went from being pissed off to "Oh, I can't wait to go on vacation with you!"
What the hell?
It's really like living with Jeckyll and Hyde!
I'm trying to stay positive and think that it's a good sign he's planning something in the future but at the same time, I wonder, is he trying to trap me?
Same deal today. Lovey text messages but after eating lunch with him, he pretty much verbally abused me while walking me back to my office.
I don't get it but I don't even want to analyze why he's acting like this.
The reason he's acting like this is that the alcohol makes him insane. Literally insane. Often people who become alcoholics don't have a lot of skill at managing their thoughts and emotions anyway. It's like a rollercoaster inside their brain. Then add the scrambling power of alcohol and you get someone who behaves insanely. I spent a lot of years trying to figure out my A and what the patterns were and why exactly he was acting like that. It drove me insane too. Somehow I thought that if I understood it, I could get a handle on it and control it. The only thing that actually helped was learning to detach. Sometimes people suggest learning to see 'SICK SICK SICK' written on their foreheads.
It's true that being married to an insane person isn't very much of a normal marriage. They also call alcoholics 'King Baby' and it's much like being married to King Baby. They can't join in reasonable conversations like non-alcoholics because their whole point of view changes so much from one week or day to another. And their judgment is distorted. And deception comes as part of the package. It's a challenge. That's why the tools of Al-Anon are so helpful.
