The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my son was still in deep insanity in his drinking, I did not seek him out for any reason. Because I could not handle anything that he was going to say or look at the condition he was in or even hear his hard luck stories. He knew I would not give him money. Occasionally he would text and say I am still alive. But I would not respond. If he came to my house I would feed him, hug him tell him I loved him, and watch him walk away again. It was always heartbreaking. I tried my best to keep him out of my life because I was hurting and to see him or talk to him would only put salt in my wounds. What I didn't know couldn't hurt me so to speak. The best I could do was study Al-Anon and go to meetings and take good care of myself, even though the underlying sadness was always there just beneath the surface. But with time I realized I had to be strong and be the person, that healthy, informed, wiser person for him to come to when he really wanted help. I was getting ready for the day that he might start looking at me as someone to look up to. Even though I missed him, who I really missed was that young bright, beautiful boy he once was. One day it came to me that I was mourning that young boy that died with the alcohol abuse, he no longer was that boy.... he was a man now with his own choices, I had a heavy feeling in my heart for about a month and a half....
This is part of the path I have traveled while dealing with this disease and if there is even a little drop of wisdom here please take it, because I wholeheartedly share it with you. Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Thank you so much for your share. I so understand your feelings and heavy heart going thru this and I cry...I'm sorry.
Our children are our lives and when they are lost to this disease we are heartbroken....we pray so much we can just take them in our arms and make it all go away.
Take care my friend...you and your son are in my prayers tonight.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
There always is hope...I hoped that life would come out better...what ever that meant with my alcoholic/addict son who is still alive, still married, a father and a grand -father and no longer drinking and drugging. I thru away my plans for him...he's done okay with the set he found for himself and it's good to hang with them and spend time. I'm not God...I need God. I have my own life to live. My third step prayer...."Place me where you want me; tell me what to do". One of our other MIP sisters put a bit of a twist on it which is okay also and I thought about that twist this afternoon. "Place me where you want me; protect me while I'm there". ....always. ((((hugs))))
who I really missed was that young bright, beautiful boy he once was. One day it came to me that I was mourning that young boy that died withthe alcohol abuse, he no longer was that boy.... he was a man now with his own choices,
Thank you for your most heartfelt share. You nailed it for me as well, I am mouring my sweet little girl who at 4 years old wore a Little Orphan Annie wig for 5 straight weeks; she would not take it off or stop singing "Tomorrow". Working the steps has also brought to light that very deep down I am hanging onto her son in replacement of what once was with her. But that can never be as he is his own person, and not mine. Not making sense and rambling, but I will have my weekly cry now then hit the gym. It works for me.
Yes, the dreams we have for our children because only we know what beautiful people they are until the disease hits. I had to have a virtual funeral for the hopes and dreams I had for my son. The sad feelings lasted for a while, but I had to go through the grief...and then move on and heal myself and face the life that was in front of me. Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I can see where you are coming from. You needed time and space to heal and get stronger so that when you are strong enough you will be able to be there for your son in the healthiest way possible. I too want to be there. My relationship with my son has never been healthy. He is no longer living with me and even though his life is chaotic in that he is staying with his Dad and friends, at least he is not here with me. He knows that we are not very good at living together. I get further from recovery and go towards my old judgemental, dissapproving, controlling ways of old. He flits in and out of victim, perpetrator mode just like we are both on that god damn roundabout!!!!
It will take time but I am feeling better too and although I am worried I am still trying to live my own life and do things that make me happy, like take a bath, Im a simple kind of woman!!! I feel that everything is now the way it is supposed to be. The way my HP or the law of averages or nature says it should be. I should have put my foot down before now, it would have saved a lot of heartache but I never had the tools.
Also, Oldergal when you say you are mourning the loss of your young son I can relate. I have shelves in my living room that are covered in photos of my children when they were small. You might say that this sounds normal but it looks a little like a shrine and I have decided that I will remove these because I no longer want to live in the past it has done no good. Time to look to a healthier future. x
A very heartfelt and touching post, I try that method as long as I can tolerate it, it's getting longer since my daughter is so defensive or she won't return my calls or her phone is d/c. I've to admit for a long time I thought if I worked hard at my recovery program, the pain would go away and my life would be happy joyous and free. I'm finding the pain is always there, esp. when so many others souls are involved ie; grand-kids and other family members.
It is 100% better with the program tools and I'm living a good life and I'm grateful for that. Is your son in recovery? Are you talking to him now? I got a little confused about where you are now with your relationship.
Again, thank you for your share.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
