The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some days, I want to turn into a tornado in this house and scream and throw things. I read and read on this forum, I go back over the steps and yet, I feel this rage and frustration inside. I read somewhere that anger is really fear. That could be true, because I fear doing this much longer and realize that it's a lifelong process. Over the past months we've been having car trouble and ABF has fixed many things on it. This past week though, he hasn't because he's too busy with his online game. Since he has slowed down his drinking over the past few days, he's been sitting at the computer basically 24/7. This has been going on for 2 months now, and it's gotten worse lately with his drinking less. Nothing gets done, but I know I can't say anything because he might fly off the handle and start in on the "You b**** about anything I do!" Then he'd probably start drinking, to show me... If I had the money, I'd just take the car to a mechanic. But I can't afford that, don't want to stay here because I can't look at him, can't go anywhere because no car and we live in the middle of bad neighborhood in the middle of nowhere. I don't really know what to do today, because I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've started to feel hatred towards him and that's why I say I can't even look at him. He lately won't shower, brush his teeth, or do the hygiene thing. He doesn't sleep with me anymore, he's in the living room on the computer until he passes out on the couch. The hatred I feel is scaring me and I realize I'm trapped in my own disease.
I wanted to add, I'm also angry/hateful towards myself since I allowed myself to get into this situation in the first place. I guess in a way I understand how the A feels, since I feel the same way in my own disease of codependency. I truly am powerless and that pisses me off too.
Dear Raven, We have all had those days, months and years! I scared myself once with my husband and his craziness; I was so grateful I did not have a gun in my hand. Get yourself to face to face meetings and start unloading some of the anger...I have often been grateful for my anger/hatred, as it has gotten me into action ( not killing my husband, though, thankfully) Let me validate, YOU ARE OK. Find your peeps in a meeting and, trust me, you will begin to feel better. Right now, trust that this is the truth. Take a bus, or a cab or call a friend for a ride...treat this as though your life depends on it. Once you get to a meeting, there may be someone who can provide a ride. I believe, where there is a will there is a way. Let us know how you are doing.
I was just speaking with a work buddy about when my counselor in the VA talked to me about throwing tantrums instead of hurting myself and others when I was out in orbit. "Still know how to throw a tantrum"? he asked and that led to having me throw them intentionally when I was so upset I could and would hurt myself and others. So tantrums are what I suggest along with calling the Al-Anon hotline number to see if you can contact someone to help you get to a meeting. Hey I met a woman in Al-Anon who stood naked on the side of a highway hitching a ride away from her drunk who just tried ot blow her head off with a shot gun. She was picked up by a guy who's sister was in Al-Anon and who took her to her first meeting grateful and in borrowed clothes. My first call to the Al-Anon hotline got me the very same suggestion PP gave you..."Your very life will depend on it" and that angel was right cause I had just called the Suicide Prevention Center and Help In Emotional Trouble. Call the hotline. We're staying in support. ((((hugs))))
) Let me validate, YOU ARE OK. Find your peeps in a meeting and, trust me, you will begin to feel better. Right now, trust that this is the truth. Take a bus, or a cab or call a friend for a ride...treat this as though your life depends on it. Once you get to a meeting, there may be someone who can provide a ride. I believe, where there is a will there is a way. Let us know how you are doing.