The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Working on the 4th step I found that enabling was easy to stop, undertand why I did it and was able to get a handle on it. But denial I can't get a grip on. I work and work at it and my head is in the clouds.
All I can do is pray about it and practice, practice practice
Take care
PS: I find I have a whole lot of 4th step work to do...my goodness
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I found that denial and pretend were the main tools in my tool box before I came to alanon. Deny the reality of what I see (if I did not like it) and pretend all is well. I learned this in my childhood and unfortunately they worked well to helped me survive. Why did I deny reality? Again because in childhood I thought the only way to deal with a problem was to Fight, make the other person change, or leave. Since I did not like these option in my marriage, I reverted to my main tools of childhood, Denial and Pretend.
In the adult world using these tools was ineffective and painful. I continued using them because I had not learned constructive tools to live. By. y then my denial and pretend tools had finally stopped working and were backfiring big time. How to change a thinking of a life time and the answer to this question is where alanon's 12 Steps finally lead me. It is not an easy process but so rewarding
Glad you are working the 4th Step Remember to balance one negative with an asset. This is the manner where I learned to let go of the destructive tool I was using and to pick up the new alanon tools offered by the program.
Around my house we call it a perception filter - we don't want to see it, so we don't see it.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Denial is so powerful. My sister told me a story about my father this weekend. She said, "Remember the Christmas eve, when Dad was so drunk, he couldnt drive us home, and Mom made you drive? She said I was 17 or so. I honestly do not remember this. I am 47 today. I believe her, but it scares me that I dont remember driving my family home that night. I remember my Dad getting in the drivers seat, and me being in the back seat behind him, kicking the seat because I was so angry at him for being drunk again. I remember him saying, "who is kicking me?", but i dont remember anything beyond that. My sister remembers all of it. And now I am married to my AH, trying to funtion, and realizing I am in serious need of help. AH and I are both so sick.
We have 4 children, all are happily married with families of their own except the youngest our AD. I drive myself crazy trying to understand why she can't be like her siblings. We enabled her with money and used the excuses that she was just immature and couldn't handle her finances or keep jobs or friends never would we admit she was an alcoholic or had drug problems it was too painful to accept.
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Nothing is more fatiguing than the eternal hanging-on of an unfinished task.
I found that I stayed in denial about some things until I was ready to learn about it. I think my HP was protecting me from my own overpowering desire to know it all RIGHT NOW. Remember the layers of the onion. You will learn and learn and learn over time. The layers will be pulled off when you are ready to see what it reveals.... and not until then. Even if you saw it before you were ready you would not react to it in the same way. Patience. All will be revealed when the time is right.
