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Hello there, I am new to this site. I am hoping to become active with my own recovery from 22 years with an alcoholic emotional abuser.
I left my husband 3 years ago, he has since stopped drinking through A.A. He kept pressuring me to here his amends, I was not ready for it, but finally told him that he should write it in a letter. He did this, I read the letter and the threw it out, it was too upsetting I was not ready. I contacted him via text last November to ask if I could answer to his amends, he said yes, we decided to wait for Christmas to be over and do it in the new year. I texted him in February because I had not heard from him,. he didnt answer my text. I had to get some paperwork from him today and phoned him, I also asked him about the amends that we were going to do. He told me that he had spoken to a couple of people about it and they had told him (one of them being his sponsor) that he had done his part and did not have to hear my side..Them he got really angry and told me how I had hurt him, and that I probably just want money off of him and that I am probably drinking (I rarely drink) I am devestated by this, I am trying to work through my ****, just as he is his and he tells me that I cant. I know sobriety has to be selfish, but I really though that part of making amends was hearing from the person who you hurt about how that felt to them. I have just sent him a text telling him that I hope that down the road, he will do deeper step work, and that I am proud of his recovery and wish him well.. I do wish him well, but, what do I do with all of the crap he left me with, all of the hurt?
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 11th of March 2013 01:41:07 PM
You mentioned that you are working or will work thru your sh.. and that is your part. When a person does a 9th step that is to take care of their "side of the road" and listening to the other side is purely a piece of empathy and compassion which is best responded to with I am sorry and or I am working at that never ever happening again to anyone else. If the person who was hurt doesn't want to hear the amends that's okay also because as the 9th step reads..."Made direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others". Like it or not his recovery is his recovery and those he chooses to help him work it such as a sponsor are experienced in recovery with the program. The first step for you is still the first step "Admitted we were powerless...". No critique is required and if and when you have a sponsor that person and the program will help you thru the resentments and the judging and power and control issues as they come up. When my alcoholic/addict wife made her 9th step with me I was prepared to accept that she did the best she could with where she was at and what she knew at that time. I locked out all expectactions and resentments...gave her a hug and left knowing that I participated in her recovery and prayed it would last such as you have. That was all Higher Power wanted from me and I did the best I could with what I had. I remembered that I still had to practice Letting go and Letting God. If you are not attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area I suggest you do. The hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your telephone book. Keep coming back...welcome to the MIP Family. ((((hugs))))
If it's been 3 years, what hurt is left? At this point, even if it is a justfiable resentment, it's still baggage and resentment over the past. You didn't want to "discuss" his amends. You either hear amends or you don't. You had your own agenda it sounds like. Did you leave him to stay mad at him forever?
Why not be proud of what it took for you to take care of yourself and move on like you did? Even if his amends wasn't that thorough, it's not an amends to make you feel better as much as it is to free him and help him change. If he didn't make true amends or didn't really own the depth of it, then he will repeat the same character defects again. That is his problem though and not yours.
You talk about recovery from an emotional abuser - Part of that is that he's still the person that emotionally abused you and no matter how much sobriety he has, you will see that in him. Only you can move on for you and leave him with whatever defects he has left. If you want to recover from the emotional abuser - Why open yourself up for more emotional abuse?
Don't get me wrong - I do understand how he probably treated you so poorly over 22 years that it's not that easy to just "get over" - but on the other hand, what choice to you have? It sounds like you believed there would be some counseling type interchange....Or if he was to make amends he would be the person you always wanted him to be - It doesn't work that way.
Ideally, you will make your life into something so positive and enjoyable that whatever his "amends" is - It doesn't matter cuz you are at a better spot now and no longer prisoner to him and his disease. I went through a lot with my ex-A and he doesn't realize all the things he did to me and that they were hurtful. Nonetheless, my life is so much better....I am so much better for being out of that relationship and for my own recovery. It makes absolutely no difference what he does, what he realizes, and whether he makes amends or not. Hence, those amends would be for him and not me because I have moved on. Only I could do that for me and it didn't involve him. Hence, you can cut those strings too and really let go. What he thinks and the past doesn't matter so much if you are happy with today.
Think about when people go to prisons to hear the "apologies" from the convicts that committed crimes against them. What could they really say or do to make up for it? Not that much. Nothing your ex husband says will make up for what is done. Similarly, when the victims get to address the convict - The convict can't be made to listen or to care. In the end, you are left with you and moving on is what you do for yourself to not live angry and hurt and as a victim (even if you really were a legitimate victim at the time).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 11th of March 2013 08:21:16 AM
My AH joined AA 13 years ago. I have not yet ever heard a "sorry" from him. He wants me no where near his recovery and that is where I stay. I actually like it there now. It bothered me a huge amount years ago. I felt so left out. I felt like there was such a huge hole in our relationship. Why he wanted it that way? I don't know and I'm not thinking about it. It just is..... Yes, once I did ask and he got a stupid look on his face and said "just because".
I would suggest to you that you get your own life so happy that you make him jealous with how happy you are!!!!!! Really. You need to work on you for whatever reason you can think of. I am very independent of my AH now. We go on vacations together and that is pretty much all we ever do together.
You have a youngster that you have to take care of. I have 4 that are ages 30-40 but when they were young (especially the youngest one) we did a lot with just the kids and me and we had loads of fun together. I took them camping in the summer and to the beach and during the school year we were busy with all their sports. Their dad never participated in any of that. The few times that he asked about it I would give him my schedule of events but not invite him to come with us. He just wanted to think that he was involved and we would do the minimum. I have a great relationship with my kids, inlaws and grandkids now...... and he doesn't. One daughter can't stand him. One son-in-law can't stand him. The rest tolerate him. The grandkids know that he can get very grumpy and say mean things to them. It still is what it is...... Not my problem, though.
Amends are a very selfish thing. They are said for the relief of the person who is saying it. It is not meant to help the listener.
I really know where you are coming from here. My ex acknowledged and apologised to me recently for the hurt he caused and this was a big deal for me. I think like you I beleived this was it he was going to be different he would be sober forever, my kids would get their father back. Alas, nothing has changed in fact he began drinking again soon after. I have heard he is back to AA but I have let go of any fantasies. In some ways its about knowing what belongs to you and what doesnt.
Your hurt belongs to you. This sounds heartless but only you can control your emotions. He has hurt you in the past but he is not hurting you now and if you are hurt then only you can do something about this. If you think you can only feel better when you have offloaded this onto your ex then you may never feel better because he may not take the blame or feel sorry enough or you could be waiting forever. In the meantime you are left feeling miserable and this is not his responsibility, it never has been. I love 'Live and Let Live' because it tells us to live our lives, do what makes us happy, let go of the past, forgive and truly move on and it tells us to let others live as they choose even if it doesnt match our expectations. Take what you like and leave the rest.x
Hey All, thanks for your responses, some made perfect sense to me, others not so much. I took the ones that will work for me, not the ones that suggested I should not have any hurt after 3 years and that I left him to stay mad at him. I left him for my own survival, but, yes I still have pain from what we went through. And if that makes no sense to you, so be it. But, when all is said and done, I do have to let it go and get my own help. I was not looking for him to be the person I used to know, he really was only ever the abusive man I stayed with ( I take responsibilty for staying). I really only want that he wont put someone else through the hell we went through. But, youre right in your suggestions that this is nothing to do with me. I realise his sobriety is none of my business. So, I sent him the following text "Hey there, Im going to respect that you feel you have done your amends to me, I will always wish you well, take care and be proud of your sobriety, I am proud of you for doing it" So there we have it, I am working on ME now, I have been far to effing nice, swallowed down far to many feelings, I'm on here now, I hope I can become friends with some of you and that I can use your expertise to get me to where I need to be. I'm not bitter, I am hurt, I need to fix mself. Thanks all for your words. Take care
I know you didn't leave him to stay mad at him forever. That was rhetorical and poorly phrased. Very sorry if I came off wrong there. This is why I need to be careful in how I say things. In any case that was a courageous response and you seem to have taken a big step forward for you.
Pinkchip, Thanks you for your apology, I appreciate it very much. A lot of the other suggestions you had did resonate with me, so thank you for those. Be well
