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This is something I have been reading in several posts from folks lately. Comments like "He/She chose the alcohol over me" and "He chose the alcohol over his family." I just wanted to throw in my opinion (whatever it's worth) on this because this line of thinking only causes hurt to the nonalcoholic family member and it's unnecessary.
I can tell you that when I was in my active drinking, I honestly thought I could keep all the balls up in the air. I thought I could be a good partner, family member, worker, and still drink like I did. I never thought that alcohol was in competition with anyone else in my life or anything. If anyone had stated that, my immediate thought would have been "They just don't get it." Of course I see now that I was being controlled by alcohol, but in the midst of it....ALL ALCOHOLICS AND ADDICTS believe they have it under control. They all believe they can have their cake and eat it too. If they believe it causes damage at all, they believe they can make up for it later. This is the nature of alcoholism and addiction. The bottle and/or the drug literally influences the person to believe nothing is at stake...When we (alcoholics/addicts) actually do start losing people and things, then alcohol becomes the comforter. It never wins. I just wanted to say that nobody EVER goes "I think I will chose drinking over my spouse and family" even though it seems that way to anyone watching from the outside.
At first it (the alcohol) appears to be a magic elixer that fixes problems, then when it starts causing the problems we are confused and by that point, we are slave to the bottle. Not saying this in hopes that anyone puts up with more BS from an alcoholic/addict than they should, but I am saying it so that hopefully someone might see that it's never a choice between alcohol and the people alcoholics love (or should love at least). Ideally, I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they lost in a battle with alcohol. Alcohol never wins - it only takes and it only destroys.
Nobody loves alcohol more than they love their family or spouse, they are just completely deluded into thinking they can have both. In the latter stages, a person is so owned by alcoholism that the notion of not drinking actually seems absurd.
Anyhow, the main point is - To answer the maddening question "Why can't he or she chose me/the family over the booze???!!" It's because the alcoholic never saw it as a competition and by the time it became that way, it was too late.
Please don't view yourself as a loser to alcohol. Everyone here is a miracle for living through some of the things we have as far as this disease is concerned.
Thanks, Mark, I always love your insight! For a while I thought that my AH was putting alcohol first but I have come to learn that he didn't intend it that way. Unfortunately, it doesn't make the pain any less when you 'feel' that you come in second to the bottle but I am working on learning that we all have different perspectives and we all need to respect those opinions, whether we agree with them or not. Thanks for sharing!!!
I have a question. My sober ah doesn't drink anymore but he cheats on me. Did he replace the alcohol with women? The effects that u spoke of ring true to his behavior.
Texasgal - People recover to varying degrees. It is possible that he replaced the alcohol with women (especially if it's multiple women in the form of a sex addiction). There is a saying in AA (surprise right?) that goes "What do you get when you sober up a drunken horse thief? A sober horse thief." This is what your reply reminds me of. Truly owning all ones character defects and changing to be in allignment with what our HP wants of us is a task. So if he is cheating and doing other things that are dishonest, that is going to backfire on him. He will either have a crappy recovery and be constantly searching for the answers to make him feel better outside of himself (with women or whatever) when the answer lies within or, he will get drunk again. Those are both sucky options and it's his loss.
Common among addicts and alcoholics is a staggering ability to rationalize unacceptable behaviors in all sort of forms. We have sponsors and the AA group and are advised to "tell on ourselves" because we constantly try and sell ourselves on our own bullcrap. Selfish and self-centered is the default. Hence, for infidelity the rationale would be "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." "I have needs and I cant help it" "I feel bad for cheating but what's done is done" "I'm a guy. I cant help it." and/or "Well, if I didn't cheat then I would be angry at her and treat her bad so at least I'm getting my needs met." All of these are bullcrap excuses for immoral behaviors and that part is similar to the excuses that an alcoholic makes for drinking.
I heard someone say in a meeting yesterday that when they got their 5th DUI or something like that, their immediate thought right after was "Crap, I guess I have to find new ways and new back road to get home on!" Yeah. Ridiculous huh? The thought is not "Maybe I should stop drinking and driving." This just illustrates how badly the alcoholic's thought processes are warped and why Tom also says to envision "sick, sick, sick" on their head when they talk cuz sick is what the thoughts are. Even in recovery, there is still an amount of distorted thinking that we work to keep in check through the steps and working with sponsors and a rigid disciplined lifestyle that keeps us in check.
Hope that makes some sense if there is sense to be made out of such insanity.
It makes sense. The first time he cheated I threw him out and we were separated for almost a year. Since I found out about the second lady everytime we have a fight he says how I broke his heart, that he can never trust again and how he never thought I would throw him out. Nevermind that he was the one that cheated. His moods lately are unbearable I try to avoid arguing with him on occasion I will fight back cuz it just makes me so mad. Thank you for your insight. It helps to understand a little of the insanity and to know that what he says is just his way of rationalizing his wrong behavior.
Thanks or this. Having a tough day riddled with anxiety (is he drinking or not?) and this reminded me its not about me, and his drinking has nothing to do with how much I love him, support him or worry about him.
-- Edited by Findinghope on Monday 11th of March 2013 08:13:48 PM
Hi Pinkchip, I think that part of the distorted thinking is this idea that we have came second place. Its easy to think this way. I remember when my family were all young babies and they were so much fun and he would be drunk, I thought look at how much of our life he is missing. He was oblivious to family life and I seriously believed he was making a clear choice, drink came before anything. However, deep down I knew this was not normal, he was not normal and we were not a normal family, but I never ever thought alcoholism was a disease.
Even after a few months in Alanon I found this really difficult to truly believe. I faked it for a while and it eventually through reading became the truth for me. Now I can see clearly how alcoholism is a disease and he was powerless. He never made choices he just drank through his compulsion and addiction to alcohol. Thats not to say there are no choices because choice is there at a certain point I think. I refused to accept this for a long time because I felt like it was letting him off the hook, like, aw he couldnt help the pain and suffering of our family, I refused to feel sorry for him.
Alanon has given me a clearer more reasonable attitude. I try and think through my resentments and I try and take the blame for my own part in our lives together. My behaviour was not great, I was obsessed with him and blamed him for all our problems. I behaved like a martyr and wallowed in self pity for a long time. Even now, I dont have much contact with him now but when things go wrong I tend to blame him in my own mind, I dont act on this though and I eventually let go and take responsibility for my self. I honestly think I have finally grown up and I am 41. So my ex and his drinking stunted us both. I think this is denial, but thank goodness I have began facing the truth about me and him and it is allowing me to feel free of resentment and blame because these were holding me back in life.
Great post, as usual! I think it is very important for those of us living with an active A in our lives to remember that we are not side by side with a bottle that the A is choosing over and over again. I was thinking today after reading your post that it might be another example of us trying to rationalize irrational behavior. I don't know if this the following is close to correct either but it seems at least in my house that my A genuinely wants to stop drinking but is at the stage where it is kicking his behind--what a terrible prison to be in! It has given me a more compassionate view to remember this.
Thank you for your post...it clearly hit home with many of us!
