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I am new here, so-Hi. When I met my husband of 19 yrs, he had already clean and sober. He remained that way for 17 years. Then 2 years ago I begin to notice thechanges. No overt drinking just personality changes like sullenness, lying over "mostly" stupid things, then the slips begin bystealing my anxiety meds( whIch I now needed because he was making me feel like his behavior was because of me). Then sneaking drinks steal meds from our friends, lying, lying lying! Six months ago I insisted he go to rehab but compromised on an out patient program. He of course has not worked the program and had a major drunken slip while on vacation where I found him passed out in the hotel lobby:(
Now I've told him to move out or go to rehab. He says he will go to rehab and has completed the add missions process. His therapist is very sympathetic to him, minimized his "slip" (the passing out thing has not happened to him in 20 yrs butheir papist called it a slip.
Anyway he is getting a lot of sympathy, all the resources I've read are how to help him, how to communicate with him, how to support him! I am tired of all the compromising I have already done! Who takes care of me. Shouldn't he have to compromise? All he does is walk around in his sullen, martyer, victim mode waiting for me to comfort him because that is what I've always done. I have nothing left to give him. Who takes care of me.
Welcome to MIP! I'm very glad you found us. If you haven't attended an alanon face to face meeting, I strongly suggest you find them in your local area to attend.
Who takes care of you? you ask.. Very simple, you do! We each has put all our time attention & efforts into our alcoholic for so long.. No wonder we are as sick as they are!
No one will take care of you if you don't care for yourself first & foremost righ now.
Our A's must to choose rehab, detox, or any form of treatment or program for themselves. We can not give them ultimatums to force them into it.. Otherwise as you have already exsperienced, I simply will not work long term.
Be sure to hang around, read thru the boards, you will find we each have been in your shoes at some point & understand your feelings right now.
In the end, he is an alcoholic, he's gonna drink. He is the only one who can choose for him to stop & work a program for sober living. The bigger question is...what are you gonna do?
I wish you well, be patient with yourself. We are all here for you.
Smollen I understand - that is my question as well. I am married 25 years and my husband is a lying binge drinker. He messed up AGAIN few days ago. But believe it or not, and I just vented here the other day, I am starting to think that yes, I should take care of myself. Its going to be difficult because all we want is for our husbands to stop drinking. Thats it - why is it so difficult? Why can't they see how much they are hurting their family - people who love them? I don't know. But the way I am responding to him isn't working. So maybe why not take control of my life in this crazy, stupid, bs world I have been thrown into. Its worth a try, right? Did I just have an epiphany? Maybe. I know, easier said than done, but I am going to try. Maybe you can too. All we have is ourselves. Even talking to family, friends, therapists about our problem, in the end, we still have to make that decision to take care of ourselves. And remember, women are definitely stronger than men. Hope you can smile today.
Getting to an in person Alanon meeting during this time will be the greatest support you can give to yourself along with reaching out to your higher power - god of your own choosing for comfort and help. I found reading up about the disease of alcoholism to be very helpful especially as a newcomer. We aren't responsible for someone sobriety or their drinking. If you've attended Alanon, you know it's a hand off (the alcoholic's alcoholism) and self focus program that helps us to grow out of dependency on others to take care of us just as AA focuses on helping the alcoholic grow away from their dependency on alcohol to take care of all their life's problems.
Your husband has already taken a step to regain his sobriety. Because he had long sobriety this may feel really creepy for you because it isn't how you've known him. I feel sympathy for you because I've been through this and it really turned my stomach with fear. What else could he be hiding? How could he betray me this way? (but it wasn't about me it was his sobriety and his loss of it). All we family members can do is try to keep hopeful that they will want their sobriety enough to get back on track. The fact that your husband has so many years of sobriety means he's already made a very big investment in honoring the life his higher power gave him. Now he's in therapy and working on himself. My recovering abf tells me maintaining his relationship with his higher power will always need to be greater than his love for even his own children or me. Without that relationship, he couldn't stay sane, sober or available to himself or us.
As far as being supportive of him, meetings and Alanon literature can help with defining compassionate support from mothering or enabling. Everyone has their own life circumstances so there's no clear cut answer for everybody. You will do what feels right for you. I hope you keep coming back to share with us. I felt so many emotions when I experienced this with my exah - fear, anger, disappointment and resentment were just a few. We're here for you. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Smollen I completely understand. My AH was sober for the first 15 years of our marriage, not a drop of alcohol. Then I started to notice changes in him. Like DebLisa, my AH is a lying binge drinker so he never gets completely dependent on the substance so I'd get lulled into thinking things were going well between binges and then he'd drink again. He's gotten a DUI, done jail time, gotten in trouble while on a work trip for his behavior, yet he still continues to defend his drinking and continues to do it.
To answer your question: your Higher Power will take care of you. If you study the first 3 steps of Al Anon's 12 step program, you will find the answers there. We have online meetings here but you might want to find a meeting near your home where you can meet others who can help you and give you face to face support. Honestly, Al Anon was a HUGE life saver to me when I felt like you, like I was drowning because of the lies and deception. I mean, did he really think I believed him when he said he didn't drink and drive with our son in the car? He had such a convincing argument, but the evidence(which was right smack in front of my face) told me otherwise. I had to start watching his actions, believing what I was seeing, and I had to stop listening to what he SAID. It was usually tainted with half truths or full on lies. As they saying goes: actions speak louder than words. So, trust your gut, get help for you, and find support wherever you can. It doesn't have to be a lonely road, you just have to reach out to others.
Smollen, you've had a lot of good replies so far. Don't think I could improve much on what has been said, other than to just answer your question, "Who takes care of me?" The answer is YOU! :) And you've done that by coming here! Next step would be finding a f2f group that you can connect with and finding a sponsor. Keep coming back!
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Who takes care of me. Shouldn't he have to compromise? All he does is walk around in his sullen, martyer, victim mode waiting for me to comfort him because that is what I've always done. I have nothing left to give him. Who takes care of me. -------------------------------- Hi, I have copied the sentence you wrote that hit me the hardest. "His sullen, martyer, victim mode waiting for me to comfort him....." I am reminded that in the Big Book of Alcoholism the alcoholic is called "king baby". That is how he acts. That is what the alcohol/drugs has done to his brain and his emotions.
You don't have to respond to a big king baby. You can just let him wallow in his own mess. It is hard and it is the hardest part of tough love. You have to be true to yourself and if you have nothing left to give him then honor that in yourself. You have nothing left. That doesn't mean you have to dig deeper. It means you have to honor yourself and all that you have done for him and realize that now you are done. He has to do for himself now. He has to make his arrangements. He has to live with the consequences of his actions. He has to dig deeper to either live or die from the disease. He has to dig deeper to keep his marriage strong. He has to dig deeper to regain your trust of him. He has to do something besides what he is currently doing. And You Have To Let It Happen.
I had to actually think about my hubby like he was the next door neighbor. I had to have hands off..... and it is hard.
But then we come to web sites like this one and we go to find like minded, kindred spirits in AlAnon meetings..... and life for US gets slowly and steadily better. Let AlAnon wash over you and you will feel better.
I can identify with that. My ex-A's chief complaint was "You don't listen to me!!!" when I felt all I ever did was listen to him bitch and moan and complain and makes nasty comments and this usually came after a day of me being a therapist already and listening to other people and their problems. So yes....I was left not so much with "who takes care of me?" but "who sits and listens to me?"
Turns out I never wanted that anyhow, I just didn't have the answers to his problems and I had reached the threshold of hearing the same problem again and again. With my current partner - I do not mind listening to him. I enjoy it. When I listen to any problem he has, I know he will work it out. It's refreshing. I still don't blab all about my day cuz mostly it would be like reliving other people's problems since that is what I deal with with clients and when I get home I don't feel like rehashing it bit by bit. Hence, I'm still in the role of listener to an extent, but it's not the same crap with no solution. That got old. Really old.
Thank you for all the replies. So very helpful to not feel so alone.
I have been to one meeting And was pretty weepy. The lady next to me gave me a tissue from her purse. It was all I could do not to sob. That small gesture was the most "taken care of" I have felt in a very long time. I plan to go to a meeting tomorrow.
You don't have to respond to a big king baby. You can just let him wallow in his own mess. It is hard and it is the hardest part of tough love. You have to be true to yourself and if you have nothing left to give him then honor that in yourself. You have nothing left. That doesn't mean you have to dig deeper. It means you have to honor yourself and all that you have done for him and realize that now you are done. He has to do for himself now. He has to make his arrangements. He has to live with the consequences of his actions. He has to dig deeper to either live or die from the disease. He has to dig deeper to keep his marriage strong. He has to dig deeper to regain your trust of him. He has to do something besides what he is currently doing. And You Have To Let It Happen.
I had to actually think about my hubby like he was the next door neighbor. I had to have hands off..... and it is hard.
