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This is my first post - I have been encouraged by my mother to come to this board. I've never been more ready to get the help I deserve which is why I'm posting today. My mom has recently left my father who is an alcoholic. My mother is living in her own apartment and my dad is living by himself in the house we grew up in. I just graduated college last year and ran into some financial issues so I subleased my apartment to move back home with my father. I felt guilty that he was there by himself and if he was truly "getting better" like he said he was, I didn't want him to feel like he was alone in his recovery. I wanted to show him that I supported him in his efforts. Oh how naive I was; I should have listened with my brain and not my heart.
My father has been hospitalized twice for alcoholism, has admitted to me that he is an alcoholic and has been to rehab. I haven't been living with him because I was in college, so I've been back and forth in my head since he got out of rehab about whether he is stil drinking or not. Well, today I found myself questioning whether he was drunk or not and found myself digging around in the basement trying to find any evidence of alcohol. I found some, but it was an unopened 12-pack of beer. That was enough for me to call my mom and get the breathalyzer from her. I wanted to know if I was crazy or not! To make a long story short, he blew a .23 and all I said was "nice job." I started to get my things to move out and I'm sure half of you could predict what was coming....the excuses. The excuse of "well if your mom hadn't of slept around on me," that kind of noise that comes from him these days. I made one final plea to him, I asked him if he wanted to get help and if he did, I would be willing to help pay for it (he is currently unemployed and without health insurance) and he said "I'm not going back into one of those treatment facilities."
The problem I'm having is that I was DETERMINED to hold my cool and conduct myself in a way so that when I looked back on the situation, I could say that I did it perfectly and had no regrets. I was going to try my best not to make a below the belt comment and argue with him. I wanted to do everything the literature said. I just wanted to get my stuff and leave. He made a comment though as I was leaving to go live with my mom and call Joe (which was the guy my mom "supposedly" slept with) and live my life with them or something to that effect. I then made the comment that "John might be a better father." Up until then, I felt I did control myself, but its that comment a series of other along those lines that I regret making. I regret it because not more than 5 minutes prior, I had told myself "stay in control and don't say anything you would regret." I know my dad is in a fragile state and I wouldn't want to say anything that could cause him to commit suicide over something I said (which is my ultimate fear). I don't know how I would be able to move on in life knowing I had contributed to my father's death by saying something hurtful. Admittedly, I tend to be a little obsessive compulsive and a perfectionist so the rational side of me is telling myself that I'm human, I'm not perfect. My father was a great father, he payed for a large majority of my college education, supported me when I wanted to be a male cheerleader and even supported me when I made the decision to come out as a homosexual male. Not many men can say their father supports their sexual orientation 100%. Just the other day I had a flat tire. I went to work and after I got off work, he had already gotten a new tire for me and helped me put it on. I don't think he is a bad father becuse he does do those things and has given me support, but I would also rather have a functional role mole that I can look up to.
What should I do to ease my anxiety? Did I do anything wrong by choosing those words; could I have handled myself any differently? Should I write him a final letter even though I have written him a letter before? I feel that writing a letter could allow me to end it on my terms like I wanted, but who knows if he would even read it. Also, in the letter, should I apologize for the comment I made or will apologizing only make him think that he is right.
I hope you will find Al-Anon meetings if you haven't already. Dealing with alcoholism is ongoing and the support should be ongoing too. No one should have to go through this alone.
I'm sure everyone here has snapped at their A (alcoholic) and said cranky and angry things. It's not optimum but it's human. Most people say cranky things to people occasionally even if neither person is an alcoholic! You don't have to be "perfect" to keep your father from harm. It would be nice if we could affect people so much -- if we could drive them to drink, then we could save them from drink. The same is also true of suicide. I know you want not to suffer any guilt if, heaven forbid, the worst should happen. But the truth is that every single person on earth encounters setbacks, difficulties, anger and crankiness, and challenges of all sorts. The solution isn't to try to keep that person's life perfect. We do the best we can and we let them handle their lives. Your father has AA and treatment programs (which you offered) available to him. He can walk into an AA meeting any day, practically any hour of any day. Those are available if he feels bad. Alcohol is a depressant. You are not the depressant.
Alcoholics also try to blame everyone but themselves for their drinking. You've seen this in action yourself. He's claiming he wouldn't drink if your mother hadn't done this or that (most of which I'm sure she didn't, but reality is irrelevant). If he wants to manipulate you or find more excuses he could well blame drinking on you -- if not something that you actually did, however minor, then on something you never did but which he will accuse you of having done. The disease makes them insane. In Al-Anon there is a saying, Q-TIP -- Quit Taking It Personally. Meaning that it's them, it's not our behavior.
I hope you'll read all you can here and go to meetings and get a sponsor and start on your own recovery. Keep coming back.
Welcome wimeraw. Read the board and you will find what you need. Please find a f2f meeting too, where you can learn from and supprt others. Be gentle with yourself. You are human. Youve been through a lot, and you will be angry.
Mattie, love your line, if we could drive them to drink we could save them from drink..I will remember that. AH pronounces to the world that I am his trigger. If only I had such power!
Your story is familiar to me. My daughter lived with her father for a while after I left. She has a strong urge to rescue. She is heartbroken and feels loss and anger. Anyway, welcome to this forum, I look forward to getting to know you better.x
Mattie - thanks for your response! You made me feel so much better and took me down about 3 notches. I was so flustereid when I wrote the first post that I couldn't even think, but after reading your post, I felt so much better. Q-TIP is great and I can't wait to join a meeting and discover more of these quick phrases I can tell myself when I'm stressed. ParisMemories and el-cee - thank you all for the comments too. I do need to be gentle with myself. I thought the same thing earlier, but hearing somebody else tell me it hits it home even farther. Thanks for welcoming me to this forum, I have already found a lot of great resources! I do think my problem is that I'm a rescuer, but you cannot help somebody that does not want to be helped. This is a very hard fact to get through my head because we are constantly taught to stand by the ones we love no matter what. I guess I need to realize that yes that is true, but you only stand by somebody who wants to stand by you. Whether he realizes it or not, he is toxic to me. I think my plan is everytime I talk to him just ask "do you want to get better, would you like me to help you get into a treatment center" and if he says no, then just respectfully let him know that I'm not comfortable talking to him. I don't want to cut off communication with him, at least not now. Maybe I"ll be ready one day.
Thank you Cathyinaz. I have read a couple of your posts on here and I have to say, I am impressed with your ability to find serenity in such an unsettling time. That just proves even more that peace of mind comes from within, not from outside sources. You're an inspiration.
Detachment with love is correct. After getting a good nights sleep, I am feeling a lot better. I am less hard on myself than I was yesterday. I have to understand that my anger, frustration and comments all came from a dark place that was created by living with my alcoholic father. I am only human, I can only take so much so I can't be mad at myself for choosing those words. They were how I felt and he needs to hear that. He started it anyway by saying "go live with john." Maybe some people could have lived with an alcoholic father, but I couldn't. I love him too much and I cannot accept that type of behavior. It's not comforting to me. Yes, it would have been nice to have kept my cool yesterday, but I was amazed when he called me a couple hours later and he didn't even seem phased by the fight. That was just proof to me that it doesn't matter what I say, be it good or bad, it doesn't phase them. I know now that even if I would have kept my cool and left he would have chosen to focus on that fact that I left the house or that I was unappreciated of what he has done for me. So either way, I can't win. He shows no remorse; he doesn't understand. He doesn't realize how much it affects me. I also learned that I need to focus on what I did RIGHT yesterday. There were a lot of great things that I did like offering to pay for treatment and telling him not to contact me until he wants to get better. I should be proud of myself for that! If he chose not to listen to it, then that's his problem. I also can't forget about the blessings I received yesterday. I found out FOR SURE that my father was still drinking by using the breathalyzer. That was an unanswered question that has been causing me stress. I finally got an answer and saw it with my own eyes. It lessens the guilt of detaching from him because I don't have questions like "well is he REALLY drinking or am I just freaking out."
I have plans to attend an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow so I am very excited. I have to learn how to deal with him because it's inevitable, I will see him and deal with him again. His big thing is to call me and invite me ot do something, but because I'm so irritated with him I tell him no. Then, he tries to make me feel bad by saying things like "well, sorry to bug you, i just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out and do something." Then, I feel bad. So, I need to figure out how to be confident and keep peace when talking to him.
-- Edited by wimeraw on Sunday 10th of March 2013 03:46:16 PM
