The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
His outpatient program ended at 3PM today. He came home at 4:30, smelling of alcohol. He packed up some stuff and headed for the door. I said please don't leave. He said he can't stay here with me. He said he has to leave, and he is afraid he will hurt himself. This morning before he left for the program, he said he was suicidal. Now I am freaking out, it is snowing and nasty out and he is driving around drunk and crazy. I'm hoping he will go to a friend's house, but I am so scared. Do I call the police, do I just let it go?? I am so terrified, and feel so helpless.
Maybe best to just give this to my HP and pray that his HP will care for him tonight. I am so exhausted and stressed, I just can't think straight. Praying Praying Praying
Thank you hotrod. This group is so wonderful, life savers, all of you. I prayed, and then got a text from his friend. That is where he is headed tonight. Still praying he arrives safely. That is all I can do now. And I'm going to make myself some dinner.
Paris, it's comforting to know we've got each other.For me I ltry to let go and let god. He has his ownhtp that will guide him. Sorry about the mistakes won't let me correct them.x
It is comforting to know I have people out in the world caring, reading, praying for me. I am doing the same for you all. The weather is nasty tonight, so I won't be going to a f2f meeting, but I will try to get to the online meeting. I've never done an online meeting before, so we'll see how it goes.
Please do the online meeting...you don't even have to talk....just go in and read what is being written. It will help you so much in these times of stress and fear. I remember many of those nights...coming here posting and crying my heart out. Anxiety through the roof. If I couldn't get out to a meeting coming to this online meeting helped to just to get my anxiety to come down to a controlled level. Get some Al-anon readings to keep with you at all times to read when the crisis is happening.
Like Betty says...the serenity prayer say it over and over.
I will say a prayer for you that your fear and worry will be calmed and you will have some serenity tonight.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
After much stress and searching, he came home. I had been in contact with his doctor, who notified the police about his suicidal threats. Six police officers came to the house and took him away to the hospital. He refused to let me go with him. He is so so angry with me. I don't know how to feel. Mostly relieved that he is alive, but scared too, that this is just another incident he can cite about how I am "always on him" about his drinking, and all I want to do is torture and punish him. I'm afraid our relationship is just too damaged to be salvaged, at least for now, while he is so broken. Maybe someday he will be healthy again, and we can work on restoring what we once had. It is hard to imagine that right now.
I know we've all had similar stories of insanity...trying to help the one we love...only to get hatefulness in return. Maybe I should have just let it go tonight, but his talk about suicide and hurting himself scared me. Always second guessing myself.
What!!!! Paris, why is he angry? He left dramatically saying he felt suicidal. Leaving you in fear and turmoil, he should be sorry for his behaviour. Of course, again his actions have got some consequences so he is not happy and convienantly has you to blame. Don't take the blame Paris. This is what happens when you threaten suicide.x
He is acting from within the disease. I learned in Alanon to detach and not take anything they said personally..before Alanon, I was existing (not living, my life had come to a stop) in what felt was a mad parallel universe from which there was no escape!
I empathise with your fear and frustration. I took all the threats and negativity on board, it was my burden to carry, control and try to fix (wasn't it?)! I often felt suicidal and unable to cope with it allthis is the insanity of the disease. Alanon has been a lifesaver..for me.
I was told by an addiction worker to always call the emergency services when they were threatening suicide or harm. There are many wheels that they can set in motion that we can't..if they don't know, they can't help and we need all the 'help' we can get.
Living with an A can be a very lonely and fearful place, it doesnt have to stay that way if we are willing to change
Someone that out of control and suicidal needs to be committed to the hospital. All it takes is them saying they are suicidal and there it is....they have to keep him. You could even call the police and they would take him to the hospital.
From all you have written, you are not just dealing with alcoholism but complete dual diagnosis and a full on mental breakdown combined with alcoholism. Knowing this might trigger you to feel remorse, feel guilty, want to treat him like a person who can't do for himself....but the fact is, he still needs the consequences. He still broke a window in a crazy rage. He still has to learn to be a cooperative patient and compliant AA member...HE has to learn all that. It's his journey totally apart from you.
Since he is hitting the skids hardcore - this would be the time for you to fully plunge into Alanon and work on yourself. You are the last person who needs to be trying to be his addiction or mental health counselor. It's hard when you care about someone and see them spinning out of control and suffering....but remember, it's not happening to you. This is HIS experience. You do not have to feel his guilt, his fear, his remorse, for him. Just because you are in a relationship with him doesn't mean you are sinking and suffering just like him. It is possible for him to be a total mess and you to be fine (albeit concerned, worried, confused - but not feeling like you are totally flipping out and your life is hopeless).
Your husband can (and will) go through what he goes through. When they say "turn the focus on you" in alanon, that means focus on the things that can and will never leave you. Focus on your concept of a higher power, focus on your goals, focus on your healthy friends and family. When you focus all your energy onto a sick person or a sick thing, you become sick too. Breathe deep and do the next right thing. You will be okay Paris...
I am so sorry your husband is at this point. It does sound legitimately awful. But like I said, it's his tragedy more than yours.
Thank you PinkChip. I slept for about 2 hours last night, he is still sending me nasty texts from the hospital. I've talked to his family this morning and they all say they will help me anyway they can, but they will not enable him, or take him in. I am on my way to a face to face meeting now.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm going to try to work on me. God bless.
