The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
WOW .. that one is a hard one for me to really get a handle on at the moment.
The past two weeks has taught me a LOT about myself. Some of it is good stuff and then some not so good, I would say as a whole more positive than negative at this point. I have a much stronger program than I thought, .. I also cause myself a whole lot more pain than I need to do. I'm in process of working through the fact HP has got my back and that it's all going to be ok. I can not fix manage and control my way to an outcome, it's out of my hands.
I have been pretty good about knowing where to draw the line and where to engage. I have stuck to how I feel about a situation and let it go. I have had the breath taking ability and trust me this is HUGE for me .. NOT to bring up things that honestly are going to have to take care of themselves. 2 months ago knowing what I know not I would have nagged, manipulated, been resentful, done the silent treatment .. you name it I have no doubt I would have put it out there. I have been hurt and really it's the fear that I have been living in, it reminds me how far I have to go to heal on many different levels. My self will run riot .. WOW .. that is harder than anyone will ever know for me. I desperately want to fix, manage and control this situation that I'm not his HP. I really have to work on letting that go. I had been doing pretty well and I had a situation present itself, now I'm hoping and praying that I can work through it and come out with my sense of self respect, self esteem, and self worth on the other side. If I allow that 10 year old to run the show, she wants so desperately to have that tantrum and say I deserve to have some attention. Honestly, .. I've had a lot of attention and that's not fair of me to demand more. THAT is everything about my own hurt from my past wanting to soothe the present hurt.
The other thing I have been really working on doing is making sure that when I am talking, I take a breath and listen. I have been listening with my eyes and not my ears. That is another hard trick to do. I want to believe what I hear. The actions have to match the statements. Then I have to be able to follow through on my own boundaries and be ok if someone else chooses a different direction. Again reminded that I'm not his HP.
It is my past crap that is slamming into my present at this moment. My self worth, self respect, self esteem that is taking the beating and while some is about him ... more is so NOT about him. This is about me and what I need to do for me to heal from a past I couldn't control as a child and didn't have a say in. I do see this as an opportunity to move forward and learn to communicate in a healthy way. Oh boy .. lol .. I have had some major slips and really seen where my part is in it, what it was really about and how badly I need to protect myself that I do throw that 10 year old tantrum of not getting my way when I want it my way and how I want it.
Right now, it's soooo hard to see what this is about and choose a different response because I am in the throws of that tantrum. I would rather come here than vent it where I think it should be vented, because again .. really not about him. It really is about me. All I can do is feel it, tell myself I won't feel this way forever and figure out how to communicate how I feel and just make it about me. This is very new territory to have a healthy response while in an unhealthy place. I do feel a little like I'm having a war zone go off in my head. In the past I would have just made it all his fault and how he did me wrong, I'm not justifying any perceived wrong .. he's done a lot of not nice things. I have too when I think about it.
I am looking to my past (I don't need to stare) to say well there is a reason I react soooo strongly to this and figure out how to state what I need, know I may not get it from him, and honestly that is ok. I do have a right to state how I feel and how I feel right now in an appropriate way. WIthout my program of Alanon and the open AA meetings I would have never realized I had that choice. The other thing is I know expecting someone else to respond the way I think they should is not going to help me either. At least giving him the opportunity to respond to what I have going on is not all bad either, .. I'm completely ok with that at this point.
Anyway, just where I'm at .. what I know is none of my business at this point and it will come to a head sooner than later. It is truly hard NOT to react and choose to trust that the God of my understanding will see fit to make sure I know when I need to know and that this is not about my timing.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like growth and progress. In a messy divorce you have the other person built up as this big adversary and then realize they are not so much evil as they are sick and pathetic. In a way that's a let down and in a way it's freeing. You've been doing a lot of recovery work and learned so much. The tendency would be to try and predict what direction he will go in use the info to protect yourself. It sounds like you are also coming to the realization that it doesn't really matter and he will trainwreck regardless of what you do, what you know, and whatever the consequences. Just another stage of moving on and detachment. Keep up the good work.
The divorce has actually swung the other way .. it's stopped being messy. Well, just for today it has stopped being messy and now I need to figure out what my next right move is for me to be healthy and well. It's not that I don't want the divorce, it's gone to far at this point. I know how damaged I am and honestly, where ever this goes he's going to play by himself. We will let the judge decide if he's truly that ignorant to realize that we would do better to work our own agreement out. I am just to tired of being so angry. Now that I'm not tied up in anger all of this other stuff is coming out and about in me. It's much easier to focus on me. It's not to say I don't want to lash out I think of an AA friend who says bluntly in shares .. just shut up. To himself not to anyone else .. lol, .. I think about that as I start to talk. Am I adding value or taking away from my own program?
It's scary to see him as a "child of God", seeing him as that makes him real. Honestly, it's uncomfortable to see him that way. I mean real, it means he has actual feelings even if he doesn't know what they are, it means I have compassion, for a long time I viewed compassion as a sign of weakness. Kind of like confusing humility and humiliation as the same animal and they are very different.
You are very right .. if he keeps doing what he's doing .. he's going to wind up doing to himself further damage. I can be as honest with him as he is with me .. right now I am listening with my eyes. I'm not prepared to take that kind of emotional risk. It's not to say that I"m not being honest .. it's saying I'm as honest as he is with me, until his words and actions match then nothing has changed. There has been some changes, that is a positive. I don't know that he fully understands that we are not friends right now .. we are aquaintences and I don't trust and share with aquaintences. KWIM? If I can accept him where he is at and let him be him while I learn to be me. Life is a lot easier.
Anyway, it was a big wake up call as to how easy it is for me to get off track and not keep the focus on me where it needs to be, I didn't like how I felt. I can see how easy I get sucked into things. I am refocused doing the next right thing.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow What growth and recovery. I loved this statement:
It's much easier to focus on me. It's not to say I don't want to lash out I think of an AA friend who says bluntly in shares .. just shut up. To himself not to anyone else .. lol, .. I think about that as I start to talk. Am I adding value or taking away from my own program?
That is a very powerful statement To have the ability to not lashout augomatically and to respond with ccompassion and honesty. What growth..
When you shard about the person who tells them self "Shut Up", I was reminded of someone at my meetings who always tells us she often says to herself "WAIT"-- 'Why am I talking" when she feels she is not staying on focus and trying too hard to make her point
