The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So - what are we supposed to stand by and say nothing when they relapse? Are we supposed to be ' Oh, poor thing -- you have a diease" *******! They need some accountability without making us the dictators. Yeah, yeah it's a disease but at what point do they have to "man up" and take responisbility.
I personally have not said one way or the other my expectations for him -- I think because I know he will do the exact opposite of what I say. And then of course degrade me for even saying anything...this is never ending, never winning cycle. i know -- work the program but all I can think is -- he is successsful at his job, and that's partially the problem -- being functional eludes the reality. He is successful at anything he sets his mind to -- so you see my confusion. They make conscious decisions -- surely running down the consequesnces -- this is awareness. SO -- (no offense) I have a really hard time buying the its's a "disease" garble -- ultimately IT IS A CHOICE. Everything in life is a choice. EVERYTHING! So why are we making excuses for them?
-- Edited by cnh502 on Thursday 7th of March 2013 04:25:35 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of March 2013 04:51:33 PM
I have done well... living by hes gonna drink or not drink what are you gonna do...
He has left last few wkends to be drunk at fishing camp, course txting horrible things to me, Ive learned not to answer calls and txts for that matter for the most part. I helped my daughter move in her 1st house she just bought. I borrowed his old truck from our back yard area he had left, I went in back to clean out all the empty beer cans trash etc so we could put furniture in it. And under the bed liner was at least seven empty bottles of vodka. So I figure thats why he kept goin out back cking on animals etc. lol Hell Im the one that feeds and waters them so I know it gets done.
Anyway .... forward ahead 9 days
. last night he was late coming home.. I knew he had stopped to get a bottle.. (you know you just know) He started piddling in the yard to avoid me and our lil boy was with him. I left and ran some errande to avoid him cuz for whatever reason i just really pissed me off last night, I guess cuz he sent me flowers for no reason that day.. weve been married 7 yrs and thats NEVER happened.
I got home before dark to feed our son and get him ready for bed, read to him etc. I still avoided AH I could smell booze when he spoke a few feet away, and he had a 1/2 empty beside him (he thinks that covers the vodka smell)
So I did it THE BIG NO NO
I emailed him to call him out on it... needless to say .. he freaked out !!! been calling and screaming how messed up I am ever since.. He was only being a good husband and dad last night..not "drinking"
Im dissappointed in myself for giving a crap that he was 'sneaking" booze. Hmm its thursday.. guess he'll be on his way to fish camp to drink all weekend becasue his wife is so mean and doesnt trust him ....
UGH !!!! had to vent THX
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I have done it to many times too. Don't beat yourself up about it...We are only human. The real positive thing here is that you identified what you are calling a NO NO. Maybe it wasn't wrong, maybe it was..but the fact that you can identify with something that made you feel uncomfortable is a huge achievement. Sometimes our minds are so engrossed in them we can't even think for ourselves. Move on from it...heal yourself, let him be mad..alcoholics will go to great lengths to prove to everyone around them they don't have a problem...When they are called out on it, to them thats initiating war. A war we don't have to deal with. Ps.. why do they have to pee outside??? One of my biggest pet peeves...It's not like there isn't a bathroom 20 feet away from where they are doing it. As long as the neighors don't see me pee'in outside, you can count on that. Much love and prayers for you. If one day at a time is to hard...take it moment by moment!
WOW, been there done that! We all make mistakes. At my worst were threats, an affair, verbal abuse and calling the police! It made no difference in the end, it was still my fault according to him. Remember the three C's, your did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it. Learned a new C at a recent meeting, choice!
I have never been able to fully grasp the entire concept either, I too think so much is about choice. The choice he made of the booze over my love and affection, the choice to let the booze win and destroy. I want to understand because I think it will give me some peace.
in my understanding of the program, if we call them out, a few things happen. we enter into their world like we are an extra in the play of the little gods life, we take time out of looking after us so he knows he must be important, we tell him that he cant possibly make his own decisions without us to tell him hes wrong, he feels sorry, guilty, etc all leading to him getting relief in the bottle and we are left frustrated and depressed. its the merry go round.
I recently ordered a book on living with a high functioning alcoholic. It seems to me that your choice mon-Thursday or Friday you can have a small enough drinking to still not be noticed then the minute your off you binge drink and become ridiculous until Sunday and start getting back under control ... Then I thought my sons specialist (he has terrettes and ADHD) said that compulsive disorders are like a sneeze to him. You can control and hold it off possibly thru church or something but sometimes you can't. So you "sneeze" anyway. But if your not in a quiet environment you let loose and sneeze loud. Ok in my brain that made a connection. But I think strange sometimes. Lol. Maybe that's how functioning alcoholics do it - when they know they can't loose their job they cut loose and "sneeze" by sneeze I mean drink.
Hmmm hope this book helps me coop because as glad as I am he is a functioning alcoholic in my mind it means he controls it for work but doesn't care if he looses family over it.
Sponser once told me- if you try to understand this disease you will go crazy... Ppl that have it don't even understand it!
Thx for all the feed back. I love knowing I have friends that care just a keyboard away!!
Big hugs to you all!!!!!!!
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
