He Has Been In Recovery for 5 days and he is WORSE! - Al-Anon Family Group

cnh502 · Member

He Has Been In Recovery for 5 days and he is WORSE!

cnh502 · Member

Thanks -- finally a response. Thanks for the welcome. I have never felt so double minded in my life. I suffered from addiction in the past. I went to in-patient rehab, worked hard and that was that. That being said, I realize that because of my own success I assume everyone is capable of being successful. I am finding how way off I am. It has been a long time since I felt like I needed an escape plan. This greatly saddens me. Because of this place I find myself in -- it is like a fog -- I know I have a loyalty to this man, but is that loyalty or vows more important than my own and my childrens quality of life? How long do I give him to get his act together before ultimatums have to be stated? I am lost. And why is I feel like I am the one with a problem?

-- Edited by cnh502 on Thursday 7th of March 2013 01:19:24 PM

NicoleDiver · Veteran Member

Hi cnh502, I'm new to the program and so I don't feel comfortable saying much. But you've come to the right place. Here you can get tools to deal with the craziness that comes with knowing an alcoholic. I just read Toby Rice Drews' book "Getting them sober," and it helped a little. I'm pretty ticked off with everything so I'm not the best sounding board, but I understand EVERYTHING you posted - know you're not alone. The more you can inform yourself about this disease the better off you will be. Sending you hugs -

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( cmh502 )))

I see you posted on my post so answer to your question my son is not in recovery.

Your husband is not in recovery....he is withdrawing...detoxing and he needs to be careful because he could die. My son now has seizures if he tries on his own so he has to go to a detox center.

Also you husband just can't QUIT. He has a disease. Please read all you can about alcoholism...it's a terrible disease. Read about what can happen to the body if he just quits.

Last but not least he's going to drink or not drink. " What are you going to do"

Your going to get some very good suggestions about going to Al-anon because you need help with what YOUR going through.

Say these 3C's

I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

The help is in the rooms of Al-anon....

Welcome to MIP my dear and keep coming back

(((( hugs ))))

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha and welcome to the boards, cnh.

Thank you for sharing with us. I'd like to assure you you're in the right place if your seeking help and answers.

I can say from the sounds of it that the alcoholic in your life isn't exactly what I'd call "in recovery". Recovery, at least in twelve-step terms, means that a person is taking an active role in improving their life by getting help and support and sticking to it through hell and back.

The behaviors you're describing is what I'd call a "dry drunk". Sure, there's no booze in them, but because they're going through withdrawals they're like a powder-keg, ready to explode at any little thing. I have never gone through alcohol withdrawals, but from what I've heard it described as from alcoholics is that your body is just SCREAMING at you for alcohol. Now, if you're trying to go through that without the support of others who've been through the same thing themselves, you're likely not going to handle it well.

I imagine those withdrawal feelings may feel a little like how I feel if I haven't ate in a long time and I suddenly find myself starving. I get headaches, I get cranky and irritable and all I really want to focus on is getting food in my body - everyone else can just shut the hell up and leave me alone. Now imagine feeling like that 24/7 and that might be a small picture of what it looks like for an alcoholic abstaining for perhaps the first time in their lives.

The feelings you're feeling through all of this are normal. I've been angry, cold, sad, depressed, disheartened, and felt guilty and responsible.

All I can say is that regular attendance of Al-Anon meetings, learning about the disease of alcoholism, and getting a sponsor and working the steps have been the keys to what helped me finally work through those negative feelings and start feeling like a serene and loving human being again. I'm not promising it'll be a walk in the park, but if you put in the effort, you will see results.

If you can, try to get to at least six face-to-face Al-Anon meetings as close together as possible and decide whether you think Al-Anon can help you. If you feel like there's something there for you, get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps.

You can locate nearby meetings by going here: http://al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

cnh502 · Member

@Cathy,

I am reading diligently. Thanks for your words...well said.

Luckily his withdraw is being medicated with Librium, even so he is just down right cruel. Which in turn provokes me and then I become someone I hate. Someone I don't want to be, and someone I never thought I could become. I have in the past enabled his addiction by drinking with him. I was wearing my blinders so to speak. I stopped that months ago. It amazes me that without hesitation and somewhat subconsciously I recognized the behavior and stopped my drinking. I understand that an alcoholic does not comprehend moderation. By me no longer drinking without this hesitation why am I having such a hard time accepting that this is going to be an uphill battle?

You ask "What are you going to do?" I have no clue. My life is with this man, this family. We have children. And they are tired of his BS too. Let me ask you -- what would you do?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am speaking only for myself. Here's what I would do. I would find an Al-Anon meeting that fitted me (they say to try six because they're all different), or several meetings. I'd read through all the threads here, get the literature, read that, and get a sponsor. I'd go to meetings regularly and start working the steps. Along the way I'd practice healthy detachment and taking care of myself -- things like just going out and doing something rewarding if he starts yelling -- going for a walk, to see a friend, to hang out at a coffeeshop, taking the kids to a matinee kids' movie, or whatever. I'd consult a lawyer about how to take care of my finances if the A got into trouble with spending, paying for DUI's, etc. I'd do what I needed to to become self-sufficient so his continuing chaos doesn't affect the rest of the family. Al-Anon will help you think through your particular situation and decide what way forward is right for you. There is a way that will bring you serenity. He may well not change, but you can. Take good care of yourself.

cnh502 · Member

Thanks everyone!

Well at least two of you have caused me to tear up! And you know, sometimes all we need is a good cry. LOL.

While I haven't found the end all be all answer i do find comfort in that I am not alone. Not that I'd wish this on anyone but it nice to know I am not just self absorbed or being too sensitive. I can say this will 100% assurance -- if he'll get help, I'll stay. BUT -- if the hellish behavior and cruel treatment to myself does not stop...I intend to walk.

After all this time being married to my 'Dry Drunk' I had to disable my earning from going to our joint account.

The most hurtful part of it all is not the drinking, the sickness, the cruelty, the abuse -- I am most hurt that I now -- after all this time -- I simply do not trust him. At all. I don't mean infidelity, I mean I am questioning him -- his integrity, his values and his lack of morals. I would rather he cheated on me than caused this torment for our life. Forgetting our plans and the 2 young children we must mold to be law abiding, healthy citizens.

cnh502 · Member

My AH said tonight "water is my new favorite drink, I don't like beer anymore"... Here's to hoping folks!

-- Edited by cnh502 on Thursday 7th of March 2013 10:08:23 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

cnh502

First thing I did was come here.....so that is a good start on your part.

Next I got myself to Al-anon meetings. I didn't like to go at first but after being told so many time where to seek help I broke down and made it to 1 meeting a week. Then it became two meetings....sometimes 3 and an AA meeting thrown in to boot. I listened and learn a whole lot. The fellowship of Al-anon has the experience you need to get your act together.

Well after 4 months it's coming together. I'm getting it. My son still drinks and will be homeless soon but I have learn to Detach with Love....

I don't yell, I don't cry, I don't beg anymore. I walk away if he gets crazy with his talk. I can also say NO.....NO is a sentence a complete sentence. I don't choose to engage him at all anymore. I just won't. If he can speak to me with respect I will let him talk...if not I walk.

I know you live with your A but the story is the same. It's what are you going to do because

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it my friend.

(((( hugs ))) and keep coming back....there is hope.

cnh502 · Member

In all honesty -- I am unsure how my AH would react should he become aware that I am even on this site, let alone informing him I'm going to Al-Anon. I am sure it'd be that one little thing that sends him into one of his tantrums. Which brings me to ... will I have to lie? And that makes me very sad.

All in due time -- just now I recieved an email with a very heart felt apology and promises to try and change. To be honest -- I am so SICK of hearing I'm sorries. If he has the werewithal to see his behavior merits apology -- then why the cyclical behavior? I've heard to never pray for patience -- did I accidentally pray for that because Wildman (my son) was being a turd and this is the lesson of patience? If so, Lord please disregard last prayer.

hugs to everyone. What an incredible group of misfits we are! J/K

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I get apologies too. I don't react anymore to them. I would scream and yell back and for what? Now I can kindly say thank you I appreciate that and move on. Now he falls off his chair because he has no one to argue with. He's at a loss. No one to blame. No one to cuss at.....oh my gosh what am I going to do.

Al-anon gives you those little tools that can be applied where needed. " It works if you work it and your worth it " yep another little Al-anon quote

We are an incredible group aren't we biggrin

(((( hugs )))) we are here to help

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Courtney, None of us are misfits and neither are you...we are loving, compassionate humans who have been fortunate enough to have found each other and the spiritual path called the 12 steps. We are the lucky ones. I have found that the application of these steps is essential with ANY addiction..ranging from substance abuse to any behavior/thought that controls a persons behavior. If you choose to attend al anon and experience the magic and power of the steps, you will be aware of eventually (in time) living your life differently...it can be more peaceful and sane regardless of what happens with your husband. When you falter, you have people that will hold you up until you regain your footing...doesn't that sound wonderful? It is possible for you...one lovely step at a time.

Paula

1976love · Senior Member

I hear what you are saying...I think it's safe to say you hate the disease he has...and his disease is making you crazy. Step away from it...anyhow you can...go to meetings to get away from it, then you get tools on how to handle anger and rage. I walked on eggshells far to long to do it again...Prayers for your journey, we have all been there. Much love!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

The first face to face Al-Anon meeting I went to my husband was angry. He could not believe I would go. With each meeting I got stronger. I also went to some AA meetings. For me this started 7 years ago. He has had two DUI's and two alcohol poisoning. He went 1 1/2 years without drinking when he started again. What the future holds I have no idea, but you do have to take care of yourself. The hardest part for me is his denial and lies. I think for a long time I was in denial of his denial. This site is the best. Read everything you can and digest and attend the online meetings. I try to go every night, if I can, and have started back to my face to face meetings. Today I feel at peace and I hope you can too. Take care Jenny

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I was angry that, even though we'd identified that the alcohol was the problem, he wouldn't do what had to be done to solve the problem. Why not? Didn't he see that the only way to move forward in our relationship and stop this problem from destroying us further was to give up the alcohol? I could, it was not that big a deal, it was easy for me to choose our marriage over that bottle of beer. Look at the budget, see where we are spending money, think about where to trim that spending, we don't really need to drink the beer, water is free, right?

But I'm not an addict.

I too did the internet search for al-anon, was looking for meetings in my area, found this board and started to read. I used the Search feature to follow thoughts that occurred to me, I cried, I ranted to my screen, he was gone - left in his last huff-n-puff of indignant anger at me trying to control him and throwing a good marriage away (good being subjective, good for him because I paid for everything and he got to drink and bellow). With him gone I read and cried and thought and worked. I kept the bills paid, enjoyed the silence that allowed me to think and got my nerve back, strong enough to convey the message to him - AA or divorce because I knew that nothing in-between would work, we'd been through moderation with miserable results; he made excuses, always accusing, and never bearing any of the blame. I continued to read and cry and work and think - amazing the thinking that can be done when there isn't someone pulling at you constantly needing needing needing. I laughed at mental images drawn from certain posts (insanity circus), adopted mottos found here and elsewhere, read relevant books, Getting them Sober, Verbally Abusive Relationship, Delimina of Alcoholic Marriage and put my head back together. I read other people describing their lives as if they were MY life and I found out that I wasn't the only one going through it and that there are defining words for the behaviors he exhibited - controlling, bullying, manipulating.

And I came to understand the nature of addiction. That for him it isn't a choice, he's not in control, the beer/need for beer is what controls him. Everything he said and did was to facilitate the end goal of always being able to drink. I think the hardest hurdle is really getting it that we have no control over them.

Heather 68 · Veteran Member

Finding alanon was the best thing I could do for myself. I realized I am not alone and can tell all the horror stories and vent freely. I am learning to change how I deal with my ABF, or simply choose not to. I learned I can not contorl the drinking, or cure it, he has to face his own consequences without me. The anger and resentment in me I hated about myself, I have learned to let it go, unfortunately the pain is still very raw, but given time I will heal. I get alot out of going to both alanon and AA meetings.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.