The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(((NicoleDiver))) I remember those days really clearly.... So, he is going to continue to drink... What are you going to do? One of my favorite sayings is "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." I agree, instead of speaking with the Probation officer, talk with a lawyer. Protect yourself. Alanon can/will help you. Attend f2f meetings and listen, listen, listen. Your life can and will change for the better. Keep coming back... we are here for you. And.... remember, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.....
-- Edited by Sweet Stanley on Thursday 7th of March 2013 10:09:27 AM
no doubt it works, that's why I am here. I meant no disrespect...simply stating my feelings. I am too raw to heed and apply such graceful quotes. I did not mean to spread negativity. Many apologies :)
Courtney
-- Edited by cnh502 on Thursday 7th of March 2013 01:29:59 PM
I have no idea if I should do this or not. But I am so incredibly ticked off everyday all day at my AH for his meanness, his whining, his helplessness, his drug use, his excuses, his laziness, his false accusations, his unwillingness to BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.
I left a message for his probation officer to call me back. I didn't give my real name. I don't really know what my goal is. But I am thinking I will ask his probation officer to have a "come to Jesus" conversation with him. The officer may refuse, I don't know how this works. I don't know what to do. But I know I am mad a heck and I am tired of EVERY SINGLE THING HE DOES, morning to night. He is hateful, manipulative and just plain evil. He is just the meanest person I have ever met.
He finally got his own car today which may lead to his getting caught w/ drugs soon anyway. I predict his being away from the house pretty much all of the time now, out using. Fine, whatever, the car and 1 year of insurance is paid for so I don't care. I really hope he gets caught. And the police can keep the car when they take him. I don't want it. I just want to live in peace.
I don't see how I can ever put into practice Al-Anon principles while living in this mess. It's impossible. I am verbally and mentally assaulted all day every day, even when I am at work he won't stop calling (I have to unplug my office phone).
Sorry for the rant, I am sitting here in my cubicle with tears running down my face - hope no co-workers drop by for a chat......
You should never have to live with abuse of any kind. I know the feeling, of wishing the law would just catch up with them. My AH got a super extreme DUI here in AZ, that means his BAC was above .20(actually his was .23). It didn't stop him from driving on the suspended license. It didn't stop him from drinking. Even after going to jail, he kept doing what he wanted to do. Instead of calling the probation officer, can you call a lawyer and find out your rights? Also, regarding the car: is it only in his name or both of yours?
I understand that Al Anon principles would be hard to put into practice, but I do believe that having friends in the program to talk things out with would really help bring you peace and a perspective on your situation. Hugs to you, Nicole. You will be OK, really, because in time all things do pass and there can be healing.
In my prayers. Just remember to be gentle with yourself . It sounds as if you placed your principles above his personality and took an action for your peace of mind.. Ask HP for guidance and when you talk to the officer you will be guided.
Read your post and look how much effort your putting into your AH. I did it all the time myself and where did it get me. I was hateful, manipulative and mean towards my son. I cried and begged and pleaded until I was living in a mess.
Now I step back and and put the effort into me. I take that wasted time I put into my son and gave it to me.
Quote: I don't see how I can ever put into practice Al-Anon principles while living in this mess. It's impossible
Get the ODAAT book and read the one page everyday and think about it and apply it to you. Do this and things will start to come together. Try it...it won't take much time out of your day.
Quote pg. 197 ODAAT
Let me not be quite so sure that my thinking is always correct. Let me begin by being a little critical of my iron resolution to have things my way. I will keep my ears and my mind open to the idea of others, even when they don't square with mine. Then I'll be opening the door to growth.
" My serenity does not depend on my winning every round in my battle with life. It does depend on my acceptance of others on their own terms. God grant me that serenity.
I will say a little prayer that you will calm down and let go and let God take over.
Keep coming back my friend....there is hope
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
The probation officer's supervisor called me back and I just suddenly became too hysterical (sobbing) to talk to her. ???? I told her I would call her back when I calmed down. Yes Betty, before calling again I will ask my HP for guidance.
No offense all -- (note -- I am new to this..started today) but just reading the cliche quotes above piss me off. I am far to angry to be open to anything involving my abuser. How can I be open to him when he is best described as Satan lately???
im sorry, i felt like this before al-anon and can slip back. it sounds like you are building up resentment towards him. when i do this its me im really angry at because i have accepted unacceptable behaviour. i have not put me first and protect myself from abuse. can you have a zero tolerance, so if he verbally abuses you tell him this is unacceptable and leave if it continues, if there is aggression remove youtself if you can but remember the police will hold him accountable. this is all easy to say. i found this very difficult and i let myself take it for years. you have choices. take care.x
Yeah, I don't know how to function in household where I am under constant manipulation, constant verbal and mental abuse, and to top it all off, it's always my fault. Everything is my fault. I have tried all the Al-Anon stuff and yeah, I've only been trying this for about 60 days, but I gotta tell ya, ain't nothing no better. I feel just as bad as I always did. One change: I'm angrier than I was before Al-Anon. And when I mean angry, I mean don't even THINK of looking at me wrong in the grocery store aisle cuz I might just cuss you out.
The only choice I have is to either get him busted by the police or wait for him to get busted. I have no where else to go. So don't talk to me about choices.
And of course I'm angry - I hate everything about him and I wish he was DEAD. I will pee on his grave. And of course I'm angry at myself because I can't figure out what the heck to do about this hell I am living in.
And no, the police will NOT hold him accountable because they have NEVER held him accountable before. Cops suck.
Wow Nicole, your really angry. Believe me I have lived this way like everyone else on this forum. Im not really sure where you are coming from because when I got to alanon I was on my knees and the only way was up. I've been a member for nearly a year and I feel better. Don't get me wrong I can go back the way but at least I've got tools now like the odat, slogans etc. It takes work but it works. This forum is helpful and when you post you are inviting people to respond. Responses come with the best intentions to hopefully show you are not alone and maybe there is another way to view things.
hi cnh, no offense taken. i do understand that the alanon approach seems so so different and i struggle to have compassion but its not for the alcoholic really, its for me. i remember feeling so angry that every co.versation i had with my ex ah was full of venom and i did feel justified but i dont want to be that person , i want to be happy, cheerful, kind. i want to control me and i am refusing to allow anyones behaviour to reduce me to the sick, negative thinking person i was before. my ex pulled my strings and i gave him the power. i hope you stick with this journey, not for your a but for you.x
Welcome Cnh...so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. If it helps at all, I understand how miserable you feel.
You asked if you should get him busted by the police or wait for him to get busted. Speaking from my own current experience, I would HIGHLY recommend you wait for him to get busted, unless of course you need to call the police for your own safety. In my attempts to get my AH sober, I've created far too many crises for him, and in the end, he just does what he is going to do, and I'm left feeling guilty and resentful. If I had just left him to his own actions, maybe he he would have suffered the consequences, without having the convenience of blaming ME for all is woes. You might also take a look at I Toby Rice Drew's book Getting them Sober Volume 1, which really has some excellent tips and suggestions on how to deal with this insanity.
Hang in there, it will get better. Keep coming back, this is the right group! Hugs
I wanted to say that I understand exactly where you are Before alanon I learned how to stuff my feelings of anger, resentment etc and pretend all was well. There came a day I could no longer do that . The tools of denial and pretend had stopped working and I needed to verbalize my anger, resentment,self pity and fear.
It just poured out of me at people in the supermarket on trains at work It was then I knew I needed help. I had tried therapy ,counseling ,church and nothing worked . That was why I found alanon and because I had no where else to go I stayed. Here I was able to verbalize and identify my anger . I heard that I could not pretend any longer. I had to accept that I was angry, own it and then and only then could I let it go.
Awareness was the first step, acceptance, the painful next part and then the action, pray to have it lifted
You are being honest, be gentle with yourself, try to attend online meetings and trust that you will be guided.
Of course you are angry! This disease and the people who have it -- the things they do are ridiculous...and it is maddening.
You don't have to like it, you can be angry -- at times I even hate my A. I am unable to have compassion for him...I just can't do it. I have accepted that I can't make things any different, but part of me will always be angry at him.
What alanon taught me is that there is not a gd thing I can do to change him. It's like trying to control a natural disaster, hurricane or tornado. Can't be done.
That's why step 1 says...we are powerless. It is SO true. Try very hard to refocus on YOU...because focussing on him is going to make you miserable and it won't change a thing. Sad, but oh so true. it made me nuts. Pretend he is a hurricane...get yourself to safety while this storm rages.
When I first came to alanon I thought "who to heck ARE these people?" because some of the stuff they were saying seemed so outrageous to me...so I get it.
So only read what makes sense to you now, and leave the rest...some posts will help, some may tick you off...that's okay. keep coming back, and take what you need from the posts.
just keep thinking step 1...nothing you do can change him...but you can start taking care of you...that you can control.
