The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know my soberAH is cheating. He has mentally abused me for years. When he was an active drinker he would physically abuse me. Right now im in a situation where I am staying these next two months to pay off my remainding debts so that I can afford my own apt. We dont sleep together. But I do love him and idk why. My head tells me enough is enough but my heart tells me to give it one more chance. That maybe he will change and be a great husband. How do I stop loving him? Why do I love him?
I came to see that my love for my chaotic, dismissive, crazy-making A wasn't love. It was attachment. Intense attachment. For one thing, I hadn't experienced healthy relationships in my family growing up, so I didn't know that real love felt different. (Calmer, for one thing, based on what I've seen of it in genuinely healthy families.) Less longing. More fulfillment. And part of what I felt for my A was addiction. I had the same trouble giving him up as an alcoholic has giving up drinking, even if the drinking is ruining his life. The crazy relationship had been my focus for so long that I hardly knew who I was without it.
Meetings can be a huge help with this. A sponsor, the steps, working the program. Merely asking "Why do I feel this way when the relationship has been so painful?" is a first step of awareness that many people never reach. You're on the wonderful journey. Take good care of yourself.
Texas Gal...I learned that one of the reasons I continued to love was because it was our nature...what we want most is to always be found loving and to be always loved ourselves. It is natural...given at birth...do what comes natural and make sure you are loving yourself at the very same time. ((((hugs))))
I held on for too long...28 years...and I too, like Mattie said...was not in love with him, instead I was intensely attached to the patterns we had established...however screwed up they were. I was in love with the idea of what we could have, not with what was.
What the posters have stated above - I am in full agreement with. I think it is mostly being in love with the idea of what a person could be and/or what we want them to be and not what they are. Combine that with the fact that they continue to feed you BS about changing and giving you false hope....that keeps you stuck. Attachment is also not love as stated above. Sometimes we stay with people not because we love them, but more because we are afraid to be on our own, afraid to be responsible only to ourselves, afraid of who we are....etc. Hence, it's not really love for the other person but the comfort they give by allowing you to put of looking at yourself, treating yourself with love and kindness, and taking care of yourself. If you still have that other person there, there is always a reason other than you for your unhappiness and not achieving what you want. Some people are attached to that and even think they love it.
Some folks think a crappy relationship is better than no relationship also. We are scared and frightened of the thoughts that go on in our heads and focusing on others - Some of us are fearful that we are busted on the inside and that we are unloveable. We don't question that we can love others, so that is what we do. We don't love ourselves in healthy ways, but think that the answer is to love someone else. What results then is what you are experiencing.....Loving someone that can't give back to you what you want because you do not model the self-love for them.
My sponsor told me early on to take all the things I thought I wanted so badly from another person, and try and give them to myself. It's hard to put into practice and I'm not sure how well I did it. It came to me in bits and pieces. It was scary and painful, and rewarding at other times. It did happen though.
I found that it was easy to love an alcoholic...when they were not drinking. When they were I still loved him because I knew a better person was inside the monster the booze made im become.
It's tough to know they cheated and wonder if we give them one more chance. When mine cheated I kicked im out for a week but I let him come back and over time forgave him.
This is where I am now. I haven't seen my A in a month and last heard from him two weeks ago begging for $20 because it was a matter of life and death. I didn't give him a cent. I do miss him, well, I miss who he used to be and I'd like to see him, but I know what a mess that'd be if I did see him. He's a crackhead now as well sadly. We used to have so much fun, talk for hours, go places and celebrate special days, but he's been on a downward spiral for the past eighteen months. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'd like nothing more than to hear from him and yet I hope I don't, most likely won't. I'm doing well without him, but still think of him all the time. We're going on seven years knowing one another, being the best of friends and a couple living separately and I do love him, but I think now it is more attachment. It's been such an insane ride and I hate to see us end because he gave so much to me emotionally, but I have begun to be here for myself for once. Love and strength to all.
Thx for all ur messages it made me think a lot. He has been sober for 7 yrs and the first few yrs were wonderful he was the ideal Husband he was loving, helped around the house, he did volunteer work we went to church he got a job we started to get our life together but then he met a lady that was down and out and overly got involved with her and he cheated. We were separated for almost a year but then we reconciled. A year after we were together I found out he had cheated again. After that I lost all my faith in my HP and I have been stuggling. Cuz I think of the time we had when he got first sober and our life was great and we were so in love. But I keep reminding myself that he is not that guy right now he is a guy who cheats and he Is not changing. Everytime I pray the recurring theme is to love myself. Its hard for me to do that cuz my head always tells me ur not loved, no one likes u, u dont deserve anything good, and ur good for nothing. I am my worst critic. With my 2 jobs I haven't gone to as many meetings as I would like. Thats my first step to loving myself im going to try to rearrange my night job so I can go to at least 2 meetings a week. Thanks for listening to me...I know im not alone
You say that after he cheated twice, you stayed with your man and lost your faith in your HP. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better the other way around? Hugs.
When we were separated I would go to several meetings a week and I went to church several times a week. I was more spiritual when we got together I was still going to church and meetings I felt good abt me then he cheated and my self esteem went down and I began my struggle with my faith. I know I cant get better w/o my HP and day by day I make an effort to pray/talk to my HP and slowly I begin to trust in the power of HP. Im not proud of my situation but it is what it is at this time in my life but this too shall pass.
