The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the hardest, most heart-breaking things for me about Alcoholism has been that I cannot fix it. I can't fix the people who are alcoholic and I cannot fix the dynamics of relationships affected by a problem drinker.
In my own case, when my dad's disease progressed to the point where he became abusive, I ended the relationship. It was the hardest thing I have EVER done. And, it was absolutely the last thing I wanted. My heart was broken. However, when I looked in my heart, when I spoke with my HP, the answer I received over and over and over again was: "I do not expect you to suffer". For me, it meant I wasn't expected to "hang in there" "to keep trying," etc. when my father became violent. He had been better for a long time, but then he got sick again and in the progression the violence returned. To put this in context, when I was a child, my mom left my father over the violence. He didn't come back into my life until I was an adult. We were in touch many years and he seemed "better," but when the disease came roaring back, so did the violence.
During this time, I read a lot of articles about abuse. The one that stands out clearest in my mind is an article that outlined psychological violence. There was a checklist and my dad had done almost everything on this list; he fit the profile completely. The article also said that women tend to put themselves in danger because they "empathize" and "minimize" the abuse, so they will talk themselves into returning to the abuser and then the abuser escalates. That was the "permission" I needed to end the relationship. I had been in turmoil before this about whether or not I was doing the right thing, but I got the confirmation I needed that I was doing right BY ME, that is what I hung on to.
During this time, I turned to tradition one. Our COMMON welfare comes first. Our progress depends upon unity. I realized for me, that my father and I were not in unity about how to be in relationship. I realized that therefore no progress could be made in our relationship because we weren't in unity. Furthermore, our common welfare includes ME. If it is not good for me, then that is a problem.
Still, it was TOUGH. It is tough to leave anyone who you consider family. My heart was broken. There are still days when I review my decision, but I have never regretted it. The worst of the grief lasted a solid year. During that time, I went to every Alanon meeting I could, I spoke weekly with a therapist, and I confided in a few dear friends. I cried alot. It was hard, but I got through it. My life got bright and oh, so very good again, but it took time.
I believe that abusive people absolutely will escalate. First, they will slam doors, slam cupboards, kick the dog, punch a hole in the wall. Then, they will yank at you, scare you but pretend to be joking, etc. I don't believe it is far, at all, from truly hurting a person.
It's OK to do right be you and your baby girl.
BlueCloud
-- Edited by BlueCloud on Saturday 2nd of March 2013 07:46:13 PM
I have filed for divorce, after 4 years of marriage, from my abusive AH. About a month ago, I realized that I felt I couldn't do this anymore - I stopped trying to fix and change everything, and tried to focus as much as I could on me and on my 2 year old child. I was being drained by my AH's constant irritability, anger outbursts, control, manipulation and emotional neglect. He has been physically agressive with me on and off for a year and a half. While it had been nearly a year since his last physically agressive assault on me, the rest remained in place. Two weeks ago, he got me up out of bed at 11am to "pick a fight," then punched holes in the wall and said he wanted a divorce - while I sat silently. I agreed after a while, which angered him. We talked a bit (he had been drinking of course, so I just tried to calm things down). A week later I filed for divorce and got a protective order. He is now having supervised weekend visitations with my child, and cannot come near me at all.
I find myself grieving. I had prayed and listened to my God, myself, and my heart - which all led me to leave. However, I find myself feeling the vast range of emotions all of a sudden - from anger to sadness and despair. I think "should I go back and reconcile with him? This could be my last chance!" This seems crazy to me - why would I miss someone who was mostly abusive or at least unhealthy toward me? I actually feel fear of abandonment.
Please offer your ESH?
Lotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Hug kl, what you might regret is not taking the chance on you. If nothing changes trust me ... nothing changes the attacks change directions that is about it. What I have done for myself is to give myself permission to grieve what might have been and even the what if's. It's ok to be where you are at, I do encourage you to feel. Feel sad, mad, glad, and so on. It's ok. It takes a long time for it to seem real. Be gentle with yourself, and keep doing the next right thing. Personally, I'm sooooo proud of you. It takes tremendous courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. Keep coming back, you are in my prayers. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hugs Klotus! It's so very normal to feel these feelings, the waffling back and forth and questioning ourselves. Just know that your HP is always with you and that your decision is in alignment with his will. One of the things I remind myself of is that AH and I could always reconcile if I did choose to divorce him someday. It's not really the end, it's a new beginning for both of you and it's an opportunity for change. If he chooses to get help for his issues and makes a real effort at sobriety and healing, you may find yourself in a brand new relationship with him, or maybe someone else who treats you as you deserve to be treated. Hugs to you today. Someday I may be in your shoes and I know I'd be feeling the same things.
hi klotus. i too left and felt thesr emotions, they do pass after time. im at a different stage where im trying to forgive myself for staying as long as i did. i think your wee 2 yr old is a big motivator for you to take time to get healthy and recover. my kids have all been damaged by this disease, my ex alcoholic and my sick thi.king.x
I too felt that way after leaving my exAH and well I have had to remember how things were really and let go of the dreams of if only. It takes a dedicated program and lots of time to go through the steps and get through and over this. Give yourself time, be gentle and work a diligent program taking care of yourself. Think of yourself as your new best friend and talk to yourself that way and advise yourself in that way. As I started only wanting the best for myself and taking better care of myself things have gotten better and I can live outside of my head more. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha KLotus and you might not be missing or grieving anything other than the possibility of the dream you once had. Giving up is hard to do and then "Surrendering" is one of the larger tools of our recovery. When I was working the 9th step with my sponsor he reminded me that when I found and acknowledged that I had made a "mistake" that it was my responsibility to correct it. The "mistake" I was talking about with him at the time was the mistake of marrying yet another alcoholic/addict. Changing what I can/could included a divorce and my HP was delighted with the changed me. Hang tight with your home group and your sponsor and let them console and lead you. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Lotus... it's never your "last chance" until you decide to make it be...
My wise old sponsor reminded me that "even divorce doesn't have to be forever", as in... if he does choose recovery, and claims his life and sobriety back... whether that is in six month, two years, or ten years, etc - there is nothing stopping you - once that happens - of considering reconcilliation.... Until that time, I guess I'd just encourage you to give yourself the same advice, as if you were looking at your situation from the perspective of your best friend...
Do what is right for you, for now....
The future will take care of itself
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
At one time he did treat you nicely and was romantic and sweet. Then he showed his true colors PLUS he deteriorated from the disease of alcoholism. KLotus, you are being very brave and I know your HP will take care of you. Your feelings are normal in terms of all that goes into getting a divorce. Be gentle with yourself. I do believe that feeling sad and abandoned is largely because of giving up on the idea of what you WANT him to be. You are abandoning the facade and the idea that he will grow into something he is not. That is normal also in many ways because we all have hopes and so forth... Just remember that it is probably not that you are scared and feel abandoned by him as much as by what you really were hoping and wanting hiim to be.
