Hugs MIP family,

It's been a wild week to say the least.  The past two weeks have taught me a lot about myself.  I did make the decision to help my STBAX out I have had some boundaries and for the most part did an ok job of sticking to them.  He did go to one AA meeting.  As the saying goes .. nothing changes and nothing is going to change.  Well, .. nothing has changed really, just maybe the color of the zebra.  The lack of follow through still screams and he really doesn't believe that AA is going to help after all he can quit any of his "emotional issues" after all he hasn't had anything to drink in 4 months.  Even if it's true .. his behavior screams dry drunk.  I absolutely react to that part of him in my sick way.  He said all of the right things and my inner sickness roared forward. 

It has been difficult to keep my emotional sobriety and I did loose it today.  We are doing what we can to work through our divorce as we can.  I think he's under the hallucination that this is a one shot deal and there are no hard feelings allowed and I'm king of going .. noooo .. I need time to process everything and right now it's not the time.  I allowed my expectations to get ahead of what was going on and once again I caused myself more harm than good.  I have no one else to blame except myself.  I had been doing pretty good at THINK .. however .. it's hard when I know someone is continuing to be deceptive about situations.  I allow him to think and in the back of my mind I'm tallying the lies as they come up. 

He's working on telling me everything I want to hear.  My heart cracked a bit today and I lost my emotional sobriety.  I did ok considering I'm not perfect and honestly I don't think I really said anything out of line .. I could have probably chosen a different way to go about it.  I have been honest and I feel good about that part.  I have not been totally nice however I haven't been totally mean either.  I continue to drive him around .. it has benefited me as well as him.  It absolutely brings out my controlling side, I know that is fear.  Straight up unadulterated fear of looking stupid once again. 

Like I said knowing he's being dishonest is probably the hardest part and I already know the answer to that he's dishonest because of his own stuff.  There is nothing I can say or do to fix that part of him.  Of course how dare I not believe him after all why wouldn't I .. LOL .. DUH!!!

I'm absolutely not sorry that I picked him up on Tuesday and I'm not sorry that I took care of him that weekend after his surgery.  That truly was a God moment for me.  My intensions were true, my motives were true, and it was really about my relationship with my own higher power.  It healed me in ways I wish I could verbalize.  I also know that there will be no more next time of doing that for him.  Once is ok.  Twice is not ok.  Once I could let him know he is loved and cared for by many people, even being rooted for by people who do not know him.  Twice only means I hurt him and I hurt me.  The God of my understanding, understands I have not hardened my heart .. I am letting him go and giving him to his own higher power to take care of.  I am afraid for him.  My concern is more about someone innocent being hurt, the children and/or someone else's loved one. 

I don't know that I love him anymore.  I discovered that I confuse pity and love.  Maybe instead of being his old worn pair of shoes .. really what I'm most afraid of is he's mine.  At least I know what to expect, which is pretty much to behave as an alcoholic (even though that is not my right to lable him that way), I know this dance very well.  It's how I can tell I have healed.  It doesn't mean I haven't shed a few well deserved tears not of self pity, it's still hard to allow them to fall.  Here I sit alone in my house and I can't fully let go.  I don't know who I am afraid is going to see me .. lol.  Maybe if I let go of the tears I have fully let go of him?  I don't know. 

I made some wrong turns as far as discussions go.  We tried to talk about the divorce.  It's horrible the amount of money that has been spent, we need to go in with a full deal that we agree on and that way we can spend the least amount of money.  I'm close to 10k at the moment between both atty's (as this is atty number 2 for me) and trust me I could have used that money for a car.  I have to own my slip that big time.  I think I did earlier .. I love getting a text that says I'm sorry however this was your fault .. LOL.   It wasn't said that way .. that was the meaning. 

It was made clear I'm not suppose to feel or verbalize anything that is in the past.  How can I not really?  I mean this is like ripping off a bandaide at the moment, I need time to adjust, with no minimizing or maximizing .. having someone tell me that I'm not allowed to feel or verbalize because they are uncomfortable thank you no.  I don't think I'm expecting him to give me something he can't .. I just need to get it out and I can move forward.  It is all very raw. 

Next week is the big step 4 for me.  I'm nervous and excited.  I'm so ready to shed some spiritual/pyschological baggage.  Right now that is what I need most is some arms around me so I can just cry it out, ask God for forgiveness for my part and forgive myself.  I spoke at length to my pastor yesterday.  He's actually a recovering alcoholic. I love that he will talk about the steps from time to time in his sermons.  He talks addiction.  In a weird way I really feel ok.  I was able to do something and my heart is not as hard as I thought.  I have compassion where I thought I had none.  I also know it is time to step away and allow others who are more skilled to step in and take over for the next go around.  It will be that or more enablers ... I just know it is not up to me.  That has been a peaceful thought to go to in an odd way. 

I'm glad to have the kids go visit for a few hours.  I need some time today.  I only know I'm not prepared to discuss the divorce further at this point, he's talking coffee and divorce discussion.  Now I can feel the loss of the divorce and for the first time I can really feel.  LOL .. now good thing or not .. I don't know .. I DO know it just feels good to know I'm not a robot.

Hugs P :)