The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So this morning I found several hypodermic needles in my fiancées bathroom I already gave her an ultimatum that if she continues to use it would be over. She swears they're old and she needed to take them someplace to dispose of. What do I do? I want to believe her but I dont know... What do I do with the needles, she's right, they can't just be thrown in the dumpster?
Aloha Lupo...I suggest that you look up the hotline numbers for Al-Anon or Naranon which are the family groups for those who are affected by someone elses drinking and drug using and then plan to attend the face to face groups that are available. You will find where and when we meet to support each other in your area. Al-Anon is over 60 years old and the help and support there saved my life as I was so deeply affected by my alcoholic/addict wife and the addicted wife before. The programs are for you to help you because you did not cause your fiances using...you cannot control it and you will not cure it. She is addicted to something much stronger than you are. If she tries not to use it will hurt her and when she does use it hurts you and the rest of the family.
Call the hospital and find out if they will take the needles and dispose of them or will give you suggestions on how SHE can dispose of them herself. This is her disease and just like diabetes or lukemia or other diseases she will have to learn how to lead a healthier life without them and more.
In Al-Anon I learned how not to make promises I would not keep such as the marriage is over or you have to leave. I had to learn how to keep my promises "for me" and my peace of mind and serenity.
Keep coming back here to MIP for help...this is what the serene and sober members of the fellowship do and where many of us come to learn. (((hugs)))
You told her that if she continues to use, you would walk away. Now she is looking to see if you meant that or if it was just a threat to try to get her to behave, and if she can go on using anyway without any real consequences. What is your answer? Many of us start by making threats to try to control the other person ("If you don't stop, I'll ....!") When we don't follow through, they know they're free to do what they want. So what we can learn to do is to state consequences or boundaries, rather than threats. In fact we don't have to state them. We just have to agree to them for ourselves, having carefully considered what would be best in the situation. Then we have to follow through, for our own sake. Threats are to try to control them (and sadly it never works). Boundaries are to protect us.
As for when to walk away -- there is no obligation to stay with an addict. You are free to stay or to go at any time. You do not have to have her agree that she's using. (It's very clear to me that she is -- I imagine we've all been there with those lies.) You don't have to do anything with the needles. They're hers, she can deal with them.
Whether or not you leave, I hope you can get to an Al-Anon meeting or Nar-Anon meeting. Their behavior is so insane that we get sucked into the insanity without even realizing how distorted our thoughts get. They say to try 6 meetings because they're all different. Working on our own recovery makes everything clearer. Please take good care of yourself.
I think deep down you know the answer whether or not they are old or not. It is so hard because you want to believe them so much believe that change is possible. I believed in my A so many times over and over and over. It is hard to take that step where you have to do what you say but you set a boundry and if you let her get away with it then she will do it over and over and over. I remember when my A said that my car was "stolen" but in fact he sold my car for drugs. I believed him when he told me it was stolen. Although signs were there that something else was going on.........like he didn't want to file a police report and when I did the police suspected there were drugs involved. I had a newborn baby and I was holding on to the fact that he could change and I believed him so much. Unfortunately he got better at covering his tracks and we are in the middle of a divorce. It is so sad because I still believe and want him to get better but I just can't let him drag me or my kids down anymore. I hope this helped. You know deep down what you have to do its just finding the courage whatever that may be.
For the first time in a long time it seemed like my Fiance was sober for a little while, then last night she said she wasnt feeling well but couldnt sleep. She disappeared and didnt return home til 3 am. I could tell she was high and she admitted to using cocaine. I told her Id like her to move out and reccomended she stay with her parents until she can get some sober time together
