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oh well. what did i expect? x ah is drinking again. no big deal, he is an a. about 6 weeks ago he said sorry for the damage he caused. people said be cautious. well nothing really changed but somewhere in my mind i hoped! oops silly me! i am resentful again. his pathetic self pity and obvious stupidity, its staggering.complete delusional selfish childish self centred arrogant weak person.
I am so very sorry el-cee This disease is so very cunning, powerful and heart breaking. Please take good care of yourself. Try to attend more meetings, live ODAT, rest and know your energy will return. I remember reading that even Mother Theresa had times in her life where she could not pray and referred to them a period of Spiritual dryness. She always expereinced a return to a healthy spiritual life.
My partner was sober for 6 months first time, them 9 months and now 6 months he keeps trying and fighting it. But this disease is powerful they need a HP and AA to give them the strenght. Everytime it used to get him it would get me. All my anger would return, the pain negativity . Today I will not let it get me. I have a great onnectio with my HP, I go to extra meetings when the disease is on the attch, I pick up my phone more then I start getting better and the disease begins to loose again. Al anon is youe meducine if you take it you will get better. Your partner most probably did really mean his amends, he will hate himself for hurting you again. when my partner gets sick i protect myself because the man who loves me inside him carnt because this horrible disease has him in its griop and only he can free himself, i have to take care of me. So glad you are reaching out at this sad time. go to a meeting I bet you will feel btter !!
I want the A in my life to realize soooo badly that he is hurting the people that love him. They don't even know how to love themselves let alone allow how to love someone else.
I find I'm angrier at myself during these kinds of disappoinments than I really even am angry at the A. I'm the pathetic, stupid, easy to manipulate, delusional, arrogant, weak person. The reality is I'm not, boy do I sure feel that way. Feelings lie and that's ok, becasue they will pass. My anger is not just at him .. it's at me too.
Keep taking care of you, .. I am powerless over the affects of alcoholism and the havoc it brings. I do have choices and I always remember that.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just wanted to come and give you a cyber hug (((LC)))! You know why you feel the way you do, you know why the disappointment is there, and you know what to do about it. I always hate it when I find out that my AH drank again, but I learned that I should have no expectations from him when it comes to the drinking. I read once that expectations are just future resentments and I find that to be true. Now, with that said, I have a WHOLE lot of resentment going on inside of me but I am taking it one step at a time in facing those feelings and dealing with them slowly. My HP will show me the way!
Sorry elcee...getting caught up in someone elses disease was/is very very toxic for me. When I learned that my focus was/is to be on me and my thoughts, feelings and behaviors I let go of everyone I was turning my peace of mind and serenity over to. It's not about him...it's about elcee. Keep coming back this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for your support. I did expect this time because he seemed to be embracing aa for the first time. I realise this is all. About me. Right now I could do with some help in my life, with my family, finances etc. I hate that he gets to bury his head and I'm left to cope on my own. He is so sick really. I realise I am too. I'm going to work the steps and pray.x
El-Cee .. the great thing is this I didn't realize this until kind of recently .. in all of this even my decisions .. I'm not alone. I have people here, at my f2f meetings both AA and Alanon who cheer me on so I can do the next right thing.
Yes, while it appears that they get to play duck and cover .. what I look at is what my STBAX is missing .. and trust me it's a WHOLE lot. It's all of the good stuff of children (even though it's stressful and yes, I worry about finances and such), and the guilt, shame, loneliness of what they have left behind. I completely believe when the STBAX comes to .. today or in the future .. he will completely realize what he has missed and have tremendous regret. Regret that I don't have to live with and I am soooo greatful for that.
You have something he doesn't .. you have the 3 A's .. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I was struck today by the thought of what if I have Awareness about something and no clue what to do after that?? If I don't have Acceptance and Action .. I lack the tools to move in a productive positive way. Well, that's how I view my STBAX .. he has Awareness and lacks the ability to move forward in his own life. It's actually pretty sad if I think about it. It's not my issue. This is his burden to bare and I am learning to love him where he is at, give him to his higher power and accept this is his choice.
I want something different for the kids and I .. I don't know what that means for me. I know I have to keep on keeping on in terms of the 3 A's.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If I had a dime for every time the A apologized to me I'd be a millionaire.
An apology is not an amends, so don't confuse that. Actions speak louder than words and to me, amends take time to show up instead of just during a verbal admission.
An active A is hard pressed to stick to an amends. I'm willing to be he was truly sorry when he told you, but his disease is going to keep pulling him back into the rut of bad behaviors that he keeps apologizing for until he take action to arrest it.
I thought maybe just maybe it's different this time with my son..... nope! It's a hard thing to get over. But we learn don't we and we move on and take care of us.
(((( Hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
