hi there, I'm new to this forum and don't really know where I fit in.  All I know is that I'm nearing the end of my rope.

My husband is what you might call a 'functioning alcoholic'. He has a well-paying, full-time job, he's extremely intelligent, gets up every morning, goes to work, and rarely goes out.  Most days, if he drinks at all, it's 1 or 2 drinks, and no more.  No 'craving' alcohol, no drinking in secret.  Occasionally, however (every few months or so) he binge drinks.  I'd say that normally it happens with friends who don't know how he can get when he is drunk (most of the ones who do know are either not friends with him anymore, or don't live in our city).  While this does not happen very often (and is less frequent now than in the past, thankfully), when it happens it can be quite severe and destructive in nature.  In the past he has become physically aggressive with male friends (e.g., attacking a friend with a kettle, out of the blue, being taken away by the cops) or strangers (bar fights), has become confrontational with pretty much everyone and is completely irrational (i.e., if you try to reason with him, you will fail).  In addition, when intoxicated in the past he has engaged in risky behaviors resulting in self-injury (climbed and then fell off a building, should have died, miraculously survived). He has a teenage daughter who lives with us, and somehow he has been lucky enough that she has never seen him come home drunk, unable to open the door, unable to walk. It's only me that has had to face the shock and hurt of that.

He knows he has a problem but has not committed to abstinence or any recovery program. I think he convinces himself that he can handle it on his own; but he clearly cannot.  He did a year of one-on-one counseling for emotional baggage (abandonment issues from childhood, anger), which certainly improved his overall functioning and happiness levels, which I was thrilled to see.  It has probably been over a year since his binge drinking has resulted in destruction/violence.  However, just a couple of weeks ago he binge drank with work friends, right in front of me.  I left the party, told him not to come home.  He did anyway, 3am, plastered.  This was the night before one of our couples counseling appointment, which he consequently slept through and missed.  So, technically his drinking did not result in physical damage to himself or anyone else, but it really, really hurt me.

In our last conversation, I told him very calmly that I can't have this in my life, that I won't raise a family with alcoholism involved. I told him that he is responsible for getting the help he needs to prevent this behavior, and that I'd support him in that.  Although he understood, and agreed that he needs help, he has not pursued it.  In fact, he continues to drink casually (1-3 drinks) as if nothing is wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I like my wine (and feel guilty about this).  I told him I'd get rid of all alcohol in the house (which is not much, at most a bottle of wine or two, no hard stuff) if that is what he needs, but he hasn't asked me to.  I will support him, but I'm conflicted about what my role should me. I want to make sure that my behavior does not enable him in any way. 

I am contemplating divorce, but feel that perhaps more can be done before that final step is taken.  We don't have kids of our own, and I'm 32, so I'd like to move on with my life and have a family.  I need to be realistic about whether or not this can happen with him. I don't want to hurt his daughter with a divorces, but I am coming to terms with the need to do what is best for me.

Thanks for listening

 

Welcome to MIP, greeneyes. I have to say, you got my attention with your screen name. Sending you lots of support right now and hoping you'll attend at least 6 different Al-Anon meetings in your area.

Green Eyes

For me, it was best to attend Al Anon to get stronger and clearer in my thinking before I told my husband to move out. I had to be sure that I was ready to live without him.

This is an insidious disease that chips away at the self esteem of the loved ones (you). I didn't even know my self worth had suffered, I was so armoured up. Really my strength lies in my quiet vulnerability, which I regained in al anon. It was said above and I will validate, go to at least 6 al anon meetings and see what happens. We are here for you when you need to be heard.

Hi Greeneyes,

There are so many things in your thread I'd love to touch on, but I'll start with this. :)

I understand your hesitance about attending Al Anon as an atheist. It took me a long time to become okay with all the "god talk." What the program suggests is that you find a "Higher Power" - something or someone that is bigger than you are.

I'm a ridiculously logical person, and had trouble swallowing what I thought was religion. (It's not religion -- just something bigger than you.) What finally pushed me toward believing, ironically, was logic! I was asked, "is there anything out there, bigger than you are?" and I thought about that for awhile. Finally came up with a few things: the government. The weather. Global Warming.

And most importantly...alcohol. (Just for full disclosure, I'm what people call a "double hitter" - both AA and Al Anon.) I can't control how much my SO/Family drinks. I can't control how they act, what they do, the things they say. No amount of pleading, begging, threatening, bargaining, will convince them to change. Alcohol is bigger than I am in SO many ways.

And in coming to that realization, I slowly became okay with the idea that there might be a force of good out there, somewhere, somehow. It didn't need to be defined, or worshipped, or praised. All I needed to know is that I WASNT god...and if I could realize that, I might have a shot at healing.

Hang in there. Keep posting. There is hope. :)